To answer one of your questions long ago…Yes, you *were* the most selfish person I had ever met.
You willingly hurt me over and over and over again. You wouldn’t let me go. You kept crawling back after discarding me. I don’t think you ever missed me. And I don’t think you were ever truly sorry for everything you did and said to me. I think you missed my codependence on you. I think you missed the trauma bond we had. I think you missed being someone’s whole world. And I think your apologies were for your own guilt and shame- not for my benefit. Not to help me understand I didn’t deserve any of that.
And me, I let you back in each time. There was so much I didn’t understand about you and me. I didn’t know what boundaries were, I didn’t know what self worth was. I didn’t truly know in my heart I deserved better. That there was better. And I wasn’t strong enough to cut you out of my life after you broke my heart all those times.
You took advantage of me. My compassion, my empathy, my understanding. You took advantage of it all.
You seemed to lack emotional empathy for the hurt you caused. In the end, you said some fucked up things. You probably don’t even remember. I’m sure you wouldn’t remember the majority of what you put me through. I’m sure you’ve convinced yourself you were mostly good to me. Maybe not, though. Idk and I don’t really care.
I wasn’t very angry with you when we last ended things. I was still convinced by your mask of love and kindness. So you probably have no idea how I’ve really been feeling. How much I’ve *let* myself feel. Being sad and broken about you was easier than being angry.
You never saw my rage. Be glad for that. Because it came in waves that turned into a tsunami. It swept every good thought I had about you away and revealed what was underneath:
The memories of a selfish, manipulative, weak coward. Afraid of his own shadow, to the point where hurting the person who loved him the most…felt fine to keep doing. It felt so good to receive attention from other women, didn’t it? You didn’t care about me enough to stop lying and cheating. To stop putting me down in ways you knew would hurt. Or maybe you didn’t know? You were incredibly inappropriate. Maybe you were just that stupid.
At any rate, you never cared enough. Your actions spoke much louder than your pretty words ever could.
I’m hoping mine did, too. I hope it sucked when I blocked you on all platforms. I hope it made you realize I don’t care to hear from you at any point. That I was completely done with you being in my life in any way. That I knew your fake platitudes were just another attempt to simultaneously look good in front of others and make me feel small. You wanted my attention and I didn’t give it to you. I hope that sucked. I hope it made you realize the one person you probably thought would never completely let you go….did. I hope it humbled you.
In the off chance you ever see this and know it’s to you from me…don’t even think about contacting me. Truly. Don’t. I have zero trust towards anything you’d have to say. I don’t need anything from you. And if there’s something you need from me, that’s too damn bad. You have to live with yourself and your mistakes. You have to live with the knowledge that your “angel” from long ago no longer sees you with rose-colored glasses. And I haven’t for a long time.
I don’t think you’re evil or anything. You had good qualities. I think a part of you did care. But not nearly enough, and you treated me like I didn’t matter. Like my experiences as a human being didn’t matter.
I’m a strong woman now. I no longer need to keep people in my life who are hurting me. I let that shit go.
I don’t have much good to say to you other than I wish you well as much as I wish any other human being well. And I hope you’ve grown in the incredibly necessary ways you needed to.