The waiting

The waiting

The waiting

I remember the first day I met him?
I had only dated one guy for two and slept with him only once before him.
Before he pressured me to date him.
Before he persuaded me a shy 19 year old to be with him.
I know what love bombing and gaslighting is thanks to him.
I ask God what the lesson was. I yell, scream and shout!
But lord I was a good girl.
I prayed everyday and attended church 3 times a week.
You said not to be unequally yoked, He was a Christian.
We used to pray together until we didn’t.
My Boaz I thought I found him.

I never looked behind or put you in court Lord.
When my family abandoned me I praised you.
When the man I loved cheated and abused me I worshiped.
I’m a single mother I still pray you heal me.
I’m tired and hurt.
He told me no one wants to marry a single mother especially when she has a son.
All I wanted was to love and be loved. 
You did not give me a father how would I have known what a real man is?
I long to be protected I need to be loved.
Not a son who adores me when I can’t even stand looking at him.
I’m depressed and lonely and I know you know it.
I pray you forgive him for having another son just as I was struggling to raise ours.
Lord forgive him for not doing his job as a father and only calling every now and then.
Please teach him that a son needs a man in his life.
I can’t teach him how to pee right.
I can never teach him about manhood.

Through it all lord I still think you’re my king. 
I still trust in your plan.
I can’t help complaining and please forgive me for that.
My heart is in a really dark space. I Can’t even be a good mother. Please deliver me.

Even in my brokenness I know your blessing is coming. I will wait for Boaz…
With love: Your Daughter


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