Today is April 18, 2022 and it’s like 12:30 AM as I’m writing this. Honestly I don’t even know what this is going to exactly be. Kind of just writing out some thoughts and feelings that maybe I couldn’t say out loud. I just wanna always start off by saying I love you. You have really grown into being my loving, handsome, self-motivated king. Lol ughh I just wanna hug and kiss on you right now and forever. You bring a feeling of love to my body the moment I’m around you. Although this relationship has been far from perfect, I am so grateful for every single moment of it. Some point in time I realized that I seriously fear of losing you. We would go weeks and months without talking and it always just felt like something was missing from my life. I soon realized it was always you…

Whenever I look back at our first real date (Rosalita‘s) I never knew what to expect and how it would turn out. The whole first year before that had already been complicated af, so I went into this with an open mind and heart. When I first realized I wasn’t the only girl you wanted, it definitely hurt me more than I imagined. All the months of not talking, and the on and off phases really were a big eye-opener and lesson for me. I learned to never get comfortable by words, because actions always revealed the truth. Not only was it a lesson, but a struggling moment for me as well. I felt like every single time I was forced to just stop loving you and reaching out. You have always just been so inconsistent and you really left me no choice. I was feel like once you get what you want you nice different with me. Like everything is just about you. As a female so young, I may not have life exactly figured out yet but I know the intentions that I want for myself when it comes to a man and a relationship. There are certain things I’ve asked for and so have you, but it seems like you were never willing to try to meet those for me. Actually, I’m not even gone say “never”…I guess you just didn’t try hard enough sometimes. After a while of me seeing the intentions that you had, I just started really focusing on myself again like I had the past two years before I met you. Yeah I talked to people, but it was never worth anything to make me want to build and really invest time into them. I always say to myself, I feel like you were chosen. It’s like we were placed in each others lives to show each other a love we never had. Maybe that’s why I try so hard to make you feel loved in every way possible, even when it hurts. At some point I just really got tired of the games and just wanted something real. Fast-forward time now we in a relationship. I wanted to address some you said one day, ”we were happier before we became bf and gf”. I just want to say that is absolutely NOT true for me. During that time before this relationship, it was really irritating for me. Maybe not for you because you were single and didn’t have to take on the responsibility of being a committed man. Commitment seems to be a big issue for you, and I’m not judging you because I have the same problem myself. Somehow I was able to find myself loving you though. I think that’s why I get so bothered when you assume I’m so focused on love, when really it’s the most terrifying thing to me. It’s hard loving somebody and having to accept the fact that you aren’t the only girl… especially when you know you deserve to be. I hated having to hold back the urge of wanting to kiss and love on you at any moment because I knew you weren’t mine. I used to constantly worry about who else you might be fucking, got feelings for, or even in love with while dealing with me. So no, I wasn’t happier before. I thought being in a relationship I would feel more secure to know that I’m finally the only girl that has your attention, but I guess I was wrong. 

There was a lot of hurt and disrespect before this relationship that never really got addressed, and I just grew to put my feelings aside. My trust had already been ruined since we met, and honestly I hate that. Obviously if I didn’t forgive, we wouldn’t be here today, but it is hard to forget when that energy is still around. Just think about all the times you’ve lied to me, where you could have just told the truth and avoided certain situations. Honestly I think we both know I have accepted way more than I ever should have, especially when it is so obvious how much I love and adore you. On my grandma, I am so loyal to you my love. I’m real, honest, and I seriously try to do everything I can to always make you happy. Honestly I’m very hurt, and I feel like I have a lot of trust issues and built up feelings towards you for certain reasons. So many little things you’ve done to me that you couldn’t even acknowledge or apologize for.  Like damn, am I not worthy of an apology, or for you to understand me? You came into my life making a lot of assumptions about me, my character, my lifestyle, and even my financial status.

Almost 100% sure this is really just based off the outside view of things, and I don’t blame you. All my life I feel like people have always assumed things about me based on how I carry myself as a female, and just as a person in general. I could be dead broke, zero in my account, having a bad day, anything…but I know how to not let that represent my presentation. Some assume I think I’m too good because I have high standards for myself that I chose to want or need in my life. You assume I have everything in life and I pretty much have nothing to complain for, or even have to work as hard for what I want. I just wanna say that is absolutely not true. Honestly these assumptions have affected our relationship more than you know. Sometimes I don’t even feel comfortable to tell you how I’m feeling mentally, or things that I’m stressing about because you just feel like I’m good in life and have nothing to complain for. Well, let me tell you something, my life is far from easy or perfect. There are a lot of things I struggle with on a daily. A lot of hurt, pain, & betrayal that I have experienced in my life and never talk about. The anxiety I feel on a daily, just the little things that I don’t show.

I am hella grateful to have a mother that could always provide for the house growing up. I definitely had to see my mom struggle and work her way up, especially after my dad got locked up. You think he had money saved for us? Lol no. Shortly after he left we had to downgrade and move out of our house, into an apartment. My mom worked hard to get blessed with a better job in 2018 and we were able to move to this house. So I appreciate everything my mom has now, because things haven’t always looked this way. There are things, and ways I want to live in life that I can’t just depend on my parents for. I don’t have the best relationship with my mom, and you haven’t completely seen that. Since I was 17 I knew I wouldn’t be able to live with her my whole life. I just feel like we have two completely different living styles which has caused us to get into it when it comes to certain things. Yeah, it’s easy for me to just allow myself to get comfortable in my mom‘s home because she has four bedrooms. But for me I would never really be happy staying there, or as comfortable as you think . You think I like walking in my mom house smelling like smoke, walking in her house late and Bella barking waking her up, having to hear someone tell you what to clean everyday or how some should look? NO, that shit is stressful af.

Everybody different. Some people my age might be so comfortable at their parents right now, that they probably never wanna move out. In my case, that isn’t me. So I feel like it’s just time for me to get on my shit to make that happen. Then with my dad, he has never been consistent in my life. I don’t even want to get into all the times he’s walked out on me and never came back. If it wasn’t for me putting my pride to the side and reaching out and calling him, there wouldn’t be no relationship. Seems like all my life I’ve always had to ignore my feelings just to keep the people I love around. But when is someone going to come in my life and actually try loving me back, and show me that I’m worth fighting for? That’s something my dad didn’t do. As a grown man with a daughter, I would never allow myself to just go months and years without speaking to my child, and never giving them an apology for anything. Not only that, but my dad was the first man to ever hurt me. Mentally, verbally fasho, and physically. Of course I have forgiven, because I couldn’t let that anger towards him affect me forever. So yes, when it comes to men I do get a little scared or insecure at times. I used to feel that bitch word so heavy when you’d say it to me because that shit is memories i don’t wanna have. When your dad the first man to ever call you a bitch or hoe, you don’t want no dude you love thinking of you in that way. I think that’s why it hurts me so much to see you give up on me so easily when you’re mad. 

You are so much fun, and I think that’s what I love about you most. Always down for some new. Always ready for a good time. Thank you for growing to be one of my best friends. Someone who can make me angry fast as fuck, but can make me happier even faster. I know you don’t want to be in a relationship, and I feel guilty to keep trying to love someone who really isn’t happy or doesn’t even want it. I’m sorry I couldn’t be everything you wanted in a woman, I’m sorry for letting all my trauma and pain take over our relationship, and most of all I’m sorry that my love wasn’t enough to make you realize how deeply and genuinely in love I am with you… You aren’t perfect, but you are enough for me. No matter what, I just want to see you continue growing into the wonderful man you are. I know that if things don’t work out with us, someday you will find a woman that can give you everything you need. Someone who can accept the things I may not have been okay with. Shit you might even find someone who accepts that polygamy shit lol. Most importantly I just hope you find someone who loves you just as much as I did, if not more. I don’t want to stick around just keep making the man I love unhappy. My goal was to always make you feel different. I wanted you to finally learn to let a woman love you correctly, and know that you can trust her, and know that she is all in with you 100%. I love you Marcus. My love, my best friend, my headache… I’m so sad right now, I’m crying as I write this lol. 

April 19, 2022:
So last night was hella emotional for me. I know you think I’m a crybaby and shit and I’m too emotional, but man shit just really be hurting me. It’s a lot of things people have done to me that I would never do it to them, so I take it a little extra personal. I feel like the things you said in our text messages finally made me see things for what they really are, and not what I want them to be. To see you once again say “ I can’t be in a relationship”… that shit broke me. Not because you said it, but because I finally realized it’s true. I have to except that no matter how much I love you, it might not ever be enough to make you happy. And that’s OK. You said that ain’t no girl for you, you’re tired, and other shit. Sometimes I think I get mad at you for saying those things and not being the man I want you to be, but I realized you really didn’t want it for yourself. I never wanted to change you because I love who you are. But I wanted you to want to change for me if you really loved me. As an almost 27-year-old, how could you seriously say, “no girl is for me, I’m not capable of love”. At what age will you be? It’s never no right moment or time  in life for anything, but if you have something good that you can’t see yourself without then you do everything in your power to keep that in your life. Even if it means changing your lifestyle, partying less, cutting old company off, etc. When you have something like that you cut off anything that would jeopardize you losing it. You don’t know how emotionally draining it is to be such a strong lover, and have a man tell you to your face, “Why are you so focused on love, worry about something else”. Like how can you seriously shame me for loving you? I love being alone, and honestly I never cared about a relationship before you. During those 2-3 years of being single I had time to focus on myself and what I really wanted out of life. So I really don’t need you trying to humble me, because you can’t give me what I want out of love. i’m not even gonna say you can’t give it to me, I guess you’re just not willing to. There has been a lot of times of manipulation, and you made me feel as if I was too hard to love, like I was just asking for so much. But I soon realized it wasn’t much at all, maybe I was just asking the wrong person. 

April 20, 2022
Just when I thought the story ended yesterday,  shit happens tonight. We just had one of the most dumbest arguments ever, and I ended up leaving. Now me in a relationship I never choose to just leave…but as I sat there listening to u talk to me like I was nothing, I just had to go. I don’t think you realize that shit be feeling like betrayal! Hearing yo man be so quick to speak on you like you nothing, easy to let you go, & just don’t give no fck about yo feelings. Then you start saying stuff that just give me the impression you don’t frl care because possibly you still doing sneaky shit. You be like “Ight bet. Think I’m dumb”. I be in my head head yeahh he must be doing him still. I hate feeling like every time you mad or assume shit you just gone run to the next female. I don’t know man but that shit hurts. Everything that i said about the Facebook conversation was true. I wasn’t tryna flip anything. Listening to you talk I started to understand yo view on things 100% honestly I really have gotten so used to ignoring dudes that I really didn’t look into it like that. I just automatically know to ignore. Yes I agree sum should have been said to you because that’s somebody you be around, but I promise I never had any negative intentions. I’m tired of us not being able to communicate in a positive way. We both so scared of being hurt we instantly assume the worst in each other.

Sometimes I feel like you just scared of me doing the same things to you , that you do to me. & honestly it’s not fair. It’s frustrating af when no matter what I do, or how good I am it will never be enough for you to see how good your girl is to you. Feel like I’m here for nothing & everything I do goes unnoticed. U have it so stuck in your mind that I delete things out my phone because you know that you still text & communicate outside of this relationship. Man nun of that shit is normal in a relationship. I believe in being loyal to one person, I believe in the wrongs in a relationship, & most of all I respect you. I can tell you have never had that before or have ever had to seriously be a loyal man. You can’t just do what you want Marcus. It doesn’t work that way, because the longer you continue doing shit, lying, the more you just gone keep bringing them insecurities to our relationship. Ughhh I gotta learn how to stop crying over shit. Like that had me so mad I cried the whole way home. Because I’m just sick of not getting what I want. I just wanna be happy, I wanna love & have a healthy relationship, I wanna trust my partner & be so secure that I never think you just gone leave me any moment. Most of all I just want YOU. But I can’t keep trying to get you to want that if you don’t want it for yourself. YOU gotta want to work on communication, YOU gotta want a better relationship, YOU gotta actually work on yo trust. This one sided effort from me, & then you just walking out…it will never work if both don’t want it.

April 21, 2022
Damn I’m still writing lol. Well I did say at the beginning that I didn’t know exactly what this letter would be. I’m just writing. Lately I’ve been tryna get into my spiritual journey. I feel like I’ve always been spiritual in a way, for example I take astrology (zodiac signs) very serious. I love reading daily horoscopes as well. I wanna get more in tune with myself, and start manifesting for the things I want in my life. Everything I want, I can have. I don’t want to settle for anything in life anymore, and I think that’s why I feel like this letter was so important for me to write. I want to manifest the best for myself, and when it comes to a relationship I want all the things I ask out of you. I want a man that of course is loyal to me, and I mean a loyalty that I don’t ever have to question. So secure that I rarely ever have thoughts of him hurting me, disrespecting me, or just not taking care of me overall. Anything I want my man can deliver, and I’m not talking money. They little things matter most. Just really making me feel like I am your queen. One thing I always want most in a relationship is a healthy communication level. I want to be able to sit and have deep conversations, without my partner feeling like it’s unnecessary. lol I love to talk, and sometimes I just be wanting to vent to you and talk about some real life shit. I kind of be feeling some type of way that you haven’t really tried to work with me, and help guide me to faith. You told me “it’s nun I can do, you just gotta do it”. Although I am responsible for the work and research, I think in a relationship there are many ways to have a spiritual connection. Not only does that just involve us praying together, but helping each other heal old wounds as well. Encourage each other to practice self love daily, and to be the happiest version of yourselves. You think I don’t care to hear you talk about the world and shit but I definitely be listening to you. Anybody that hang around me we gone always have some type of deep conversation in the time frame, and I just be wanting more of that with you. I wanna dress up more often and go on dates, go out do more activities together, exercise, cook together, just really experience as a couple. I done traveled in my life, but all I wanna do is make memories with you now. It’s like you feel like these things are a fairytale but really it’s not. It’s apart of exploring and learning with the person you love. All of these these things I am manifesting for. I don’t know how the end results will turn out but whatever it be, will the right thing for me. Which means In the process either you learn to adapt and be willing to fulfil that, or we part from each other and go our separate ways. I just don’t wanna feel like I’m begging you to love me, and it hurts me to know that you’re unhappy.

I am far from perfect, I can definitely acknowledge that. So I don’t want this to come off as if you are to blame for everything. I definitely be trippin sometimes lol. But I’m working on becoming a better woman overall. You just left for Atlanta today and I miss you so much already. I swear it’s just some about your presence that makes me feel safe instantly. No matter if we be beefing or not. I don’t think I’m too worried about you doing anything lol. I feel like you think I don’t trust you at all, but I actually do. In certain ways you be showing me that I can trust you. You always respond and answer when I call, and vice versa. I want to keep that connection because I hate feeling ignored or left out. I want you to always wanna tell me things, where you going, who you with, how you feeling, etc., without feeling like it’s a problem. Like I said i don’t know what this letter will end up meaning. Maybe it will lead to a new beginning for us, or possibly the end. At least this has helped you understand how I really feel and the love I really love have you. 
I love you…
~Niya