I keep wondering why I get sad. I’ve felt fine. The past two days I haven’t been sad about you. Then, I went to bed last night and was just thinking back to all our memories. They were so good. Maybe I remember them different, though. 

I thought that I would always be in love with you. But, that’s not true. I’m always going to be in love with our memories, the way you laughed, the way we could just be so ourselves. But, you’ve changed. I mean, you posted on Instagram. Something you claimed gave you anxiety. Maybe just posting with me gave you anxiety. Nice shirt you’re wearing, glad you didn’t throw that out with me. 

You’re colder to me now, less caring.  I guess that’s expected though. You go out a lot more, something you claimed you outgrew. I can just tell you’re different. 

When I look back at our memories, it is all from the beginning of our relationship. When you would walk to get me from my car without me asking, when I found a notes sheet with things you wanted to remember about me, when you’d tell me I looked pretty, when you’d kiss me in the car after a date. The first few months were great. But that’s all I’m holding onto. You changed a long time before we broke up. You never did anything nice for me without me asking. I never felt like you were thinking about me. I just kept you from feeling lonely and let you cry to me until you didn’t need me to anymore.

You’re not the same person I fell in love with. That person is gone and all that is left for me is the painful memories of what you once were. 

You treated me so great in the begging, insisting that I never paid for anything. I never cared about paying. But eventually it became me not ever actually getting a Christmas gift and you continuing to flaunt everything I got you. I think you were a love bomber. Which, now, I’m convinced is the worst kind of person to date. You made me feel so comfortable in our relationship. You never understood the gravity of your words. But your words and actions never lined up. 

I think I’m sad because I’m never going to get rid of you. You get to be friends with my friends. I have to see you laughing and being better without me. Meanwhile, I struggle some mornings to even get out of bed. I can’t escape you. When I see you, it’s a reminder of how much unreciprocated effort I put in. It’s a reminder of how crazy I went trying to be enough for you. It’s a reminder of how everyone leaves or gets sick of me. Something you promised you’d never do. Learn how to keep your promises.

It’s painful to realize how blinded I was. I loved you so much, that I ignored how much more I cared for you. I don’t know if you’re ever going to realize this. A lot of times people don’t. I just hope someone doesn’t put up with that one day— the lovebombing, the steady decline in caring, the apathy I felt towards the end of our relationship. 

I hope you find yourself, as you said you needed to do. But, I hope you find the person I fell in love with. Not because I want to fall in love with you again. I don’t think this pain will ever go away. I think you need to find the person you lost when we were dating because one day you’re going to wake up and realize you don’t love yourself. 

I didn’t deserve this. Unfortunately, I think you’re too stubborn to ever realize that.