To Jericho

To Jericho

To Jericho

How are you? I hope you’re doing well. I hope you’re doing better. I always do. Okay naman ako. Lumipat ako sa UP last year dahil hindi ko na nagugustuhan ang sistema sa UE. I was initially planning to transfer to UST pero ang sabi nila nanay try ko raw muna sa UP since mas malapit sa amin. Ayoko na sanang mag-try dahil alam kong babagsak din naman ako pero they encouraged me and said that I should give it another shot. First time ko mag-second year this year since I took a gap year last 2020-2021 at umulit ako ng first year a UP since kulang yung mga units na na-take ko for accreditation. Same course pa rin—Visual Communication. I’m also a University Scholar and I’m doing my best to maintain my GWA because I’m aiming for Latin Honors. I’m looking forward to starting school next week. I’m still single haha. You know me. We also moved to Bulacan right after my entire family recovered from Covid for health reasons. There’s not much going on in my life to be honest. I also haven’t looked the same way since the last time you saw me. I look more tired. I’ve gained weight. I’ve also developed severe acne over the Pandemic which I’m currently working on. But hey, I still laugh and continuously find joy in the littlest things so life is good. 

I’m writing because I miss you. Alam ko na matagal na tayong hindi nag-uusap. It’s been four years and yet not a day goes by na hindi kita naiisip at naaalala. It’s like you’re always here. You’ve made your way into my heart right at the very moment of our first interaction and you made your home there. Noong nakipag-break ako sa’yo, I was so sure that I wouldn’t cry, but guess what? I did. I cried for half a year. Akala ko matapang ako. Hindi pala. And turns out, I still cry for you until this very day. 

Wala na akong naaalala masyado sa pinagsamahan natin dati, maybe it’s because of the Covid. I’ve forgotten many things in my life now. I’m detached from a quarter of my memories in the past but you. You’re still here. All of you is still here. Matagal ko nang gustong magmove-on pero hindi ko magawa-gawa kasi a part of me feels stuck in our relationship. A huge part of me feels stuck on you. Even though the aftermath was excruciatingly draining, I wouldn’t have it any other way because at that time I knew that I had made the right decision in choosing you. I still dream about you. I dream about talking to you. I dream about laughing with you. I dream about all the beautiful things about you, but even so, there are days when I would get extremely frustrated because of it. I can’t get you out of my system. Ngayon na may mga realizations na ako about our past relationship, I think that the reason why I’m finding it hard to do so is because of the guilt that I’m carrying in the way that I left you. At that time I had the urge from my parents to call things off between us that I didn’t have the courtesy to break things up to you slowly and explain properly. I should have made an effort to see you personally but instead, I texted you. I was so stupid and selfish and insensitive. You didn’t deserve that. You were always so good to me and I hurt and treated you like that. I left you in a state that I will forever regret leaving you in. 

I found myself avoiding you after we’ve officially parted ways. Hindi ko alam kung bakit, but maybe it’s because I didn’t believe in “closure”. Hindi ako naniniwala sa “closure” because it just feels like an easy way to get back to your ex and that’s exactly the opposite of what I’ve been longing for. I’ve had Kin and my other friends tell me that closure is a good thing because it clears the air between you and your ex and that’s what I’m doing now. I want to move-on, Jer, but deep down I know that it’s far away from happening unless I ask for forgiveness. Hindi ako nagsulat dahil gusto kitang guluhin at saktan. Believe me, that is the last thing I want. Nagsulat ako sa dahil gusto ko nang kumawala sa’yo. I know this sounds bad in the way that I wrote it, but please try looking at it in my eyes. I’m not asking for sympathy. I wanted to write because I know that it will give me peace and because I want to move-on. Para bang all this time e nakakandado ako sa’yo and it gets harder by the day. I’m starting to feel like I’m gradually losing small parts of myself because of it. 

You were my first love—the first guy that I’ve completely given my heart to. Hindi ka mahirap mahalin. You see the world differently, things rarely bother you, you have a heart for what you’re passionate about, you’re a hard worker… There’s a sense of wonder in everything you put your hands on and you’re a good person. I loved you with all that I am and I never regret saying yes to you. I never regret telling you that I love you too. Do you still remember the last line of my last text? I said that you will always have a special place in my heart. I meant it. Ang masakit lang, hindi ko alam na hanggat nandito ka that your presence would irrevocably burn a hole inside me—a hole that no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to get rid of. I don’t know what to do with it anymore. I’m all spent. I want out, Jer. 

You were always so quiet. You kept everything to yourself even after we were already together. I was an open book. I’ve shamelessly told you everything about me—the good, the bad, even the ones that I’ve never told anyone—things that I’m not proud of and yet, I didn’t know your favorite color. I feel that I’m partly to blame dahil hindi kita nakilala ng husto. I was always asking you about things, but it seems that my efforts in getting to know you were futile. It also felt like for some reason you chose not to let me in which broke my heart. Come to think of it, hindi pala talaga kita kilala when you knew me in my entirety. Why couldn’t you let me in? Why couldn’t you tell me about your personal issues? Your struggles and your secrets? Pakiramdam ko noon na iniwan mo akong nangangapa sa dilim. Kahit ganoon, we both know that I didn’t love you less. 

We’ve had our differences in the past. A big reason why I decided to call things off (aside from what I’ve written above) is because we have different beliefs. Alam ko for some people this seems like a petty thing para magbreak kayo ng partner mo, but I know that you know that this is a very big deal for me. I didn’t know back then that you were an Atheist and it shocked me to my core when I found out that you were. I know in my heart that you are a good person and that whatever it is that you believe in does not reflect your character, but it doesn’t mean that it won’t bring serious arguments for us in the near future. I find it hard to explain why I had to call the relationship off because most people don’t understand why you would leave someone you love for religion. They think that it shouldn’t be that big of a deal when in fact it should because how can two people grow together in love if they anchor themselves on two different things? We are made of what we believe in. How can we become one if what’s inside of us is opposed and contradicting what our partners are made of? It’s like oil and water–they never mix. At that time, I also wasn’t allowed to have a boyfriend and it just feels wrong to keep our growing love a secret. Love shouldn’t be like that. You and I both know that love is not something that should be hidden away. Another thing is because I know that you kept a lot of things from me and sometimes I feel like we built the whole relationship on a lie. Maybe it’s because you knew that the truth would strain our relationship. I don’t blame you, but I wish you told me. I wish you were honest with me because I surely was with you. 

   When I found out that you had a new girlfriend three months after (or shorter than that), it broke my heart because it felt like you found it easy to replace me. A part of me was angry and I felt pity for the girl because I thought that she was your rebound. I’ve never been so wrong in my life. I never wanted anything else but for you to be happy. After a while, I’ve accepted that you’ve found a new kind of love and it didn’t bother me that you were in a new relationship because I know that someone will finally try and fix what I’ve left broken and that’s all that matters. I never found someone, not since you. Mayroon akong nakausap somewhere once and it got to the point where it felt like I almost loved him, but we had to say our goodbyes because he was dealing with a lot of things at the time. We still talk, but there’s nothing more to it. I don’t think I ever want to experience the pain that I had to deal with after we’ve broken up because it’s just too much to recover from so I try not to put myself in situations where I feel like my relationship with someone will definitely take a turn for the worst. 

   Ayokong guluhin ka pa and I’m sorry if this letter comes off as that. And I’m not in any way trying to justify what I did. Huwag mo sanang masamain ang sulat ko dahil I just needed to get things off of my chest—things that I’ve been holding on to for four years. I don’t know when I will see you again, so I’ll just tell you this via a message (for the second time). I’m so sorry. I hope that you’ll find it in your heart to forgive me someday and maybe, just maybe, I can finally close this chapter in my life. I’m sorry for being so selfish. Ngayon lang ako naka-muster ng courage. I actually didn’t plan this, but I’ve been feeling very uneasy these past few days. Pakiramdam ko lumulutang ako. I haven’t been able to sleep well. I don’t know if you had anything to do with it, but I felt the need to write. 

   You were one of the most beautiful things that has ever happened in my life. Everything progressed slowly and I fell in love with you. You were my entire world. I wouldn’t trade the experience of loving you for anything else. If I could go back in time, I would do it again even if it will eventually come to a point where the pain in dealing with the aftermath of it all will surpass the joy in having to love you. You deserve better than what I’ve left you with. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang standing mo, I can only speak for myself and I think it’s time for me to move-on and completely heal from all of this. You don’t have to write anything back. I understand. 

In my last letter, I didn’t get to say thank you because there was just so much going on. So here it is… Thank you. Thank you for everything—for making me laugh with your dark humor, for keeping me safe and taking good care of me, for holding my hand, for all the fun, for all the lessons… Thank you for believing and being so proud of me. For telling me that sometimes the world needs an audience to look at her differently. For allowing me to soak up all the wonder that comes with experiencing silence. For showing me how it means to be selfless in loving someone. All of these you’ve done and freely given without asking for anything in return. Thank you. Thank you for being strong for the both of us when I could not. You never looked the other way and I wish I could have done the same for you. 

Thank you for loving me as I am. I had such a beautiful time with you. God willing, I hope to see you again someday in the absence of a heartache. I pray that love will come kindly to you and that you will in time be with someone who will carry your heart with them. Hindi ko man nabigay ang lahat sa’yo, sana makahanap ka ng taong mamahalin ka at ipaglalaban ka ng buong-buo dahil ganoon ka magmahal. I wish you every happiness and peace in the world. God bless you on your journey. I’m hoping to see you down the line because I know you’ll make it big in your career. Take care of yourself and your family for me. 

May you never lose faith in love. 

Love now and always,                                                                                                                               


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