Dear Sam,

This is not a letter in attempt to win you back. That’s not to say I’m not going to try. But I have so much more to give you than one letter. I’m no longer confused about anything regarding you, and I’ve never seen the past 5 years as clearly as I do now. I know exactly what’s the most important thing in the world to me because I finally understand what it means to lose it, and what it would mean to lose it forever. I’m not trying to disregard the hardships we’ve endured or the areas where we’re so different that can make it hard, nor that there wouldn’t still be challenges if we came back to each other. But I am saying that it’s worth the fight to me. I wouldn’t take back a second I’ve spent with you to avoid the feeling of ripping out my own heart these past few weeks. It has been worth every tear and all the pain and every fight to have had all of the love and fun and passion and comfort and wonderful memories and warm home that I’ve shared with you these 5 years, and I don’t want this to be the end. I am going to do anything and absolutely everything possible to earn and deserve you back someday, and be the one to treat you with the adoration and passion and respect you have always deserved, every day. I understand that what I’ve put you and our unit through over the past year and these past few weeks has done incredible damage and I know you’re not sure if it is reparable. I understand that there must be time and space for you to think before you would even be able to decide if there was any chance of wanting me back. I will never pressure you to be more than anything you want to be with me or expect you to give anything you can’t or do not want to give. I will always be happy to have your friendship over nothing at all if that’s what you decide in the end. I will wait patiently until the answer is clear for you. I will fight to repair everything I’ve done that has hurt you. I will fight for us with all of the fire I should have given you before I lost you, with the crazy wildfire I had when we first met and more. With everything I have and everything I am. If we can find our way back to each other through this, I think our love would become unbreakable. I would not let myself doubt that I was good enough for you ever again. If not, I’ll still know there was nothing else I could have said or done, and hope you find the love of a lifetime that you deserve and are never, ever hurt again. And I’ll love you until my last breath from a distance and want your happiness. Always.

I’m going to step back and give you better time and space… after I give you this letter.

I’ll sorry for the incredibly long preface. Moving on. This letter is just a list of things I need you to know if the world ends tomorrow. I have so many things to thank you for and huge things to apologize for. I will do the apologies first because the list of thank you’s is going to take up a lot of space.

This is the list of apologies. 
I am so sorry for not addressing my insecurity and letting it drive wedges between us that broke us. I am so sorry for drastically under-appreciating all of the tender, sweet, and kind big and small gestures, all of the genuine care and concern, all of the sensitivity and generosity, all of the adoration that you have given me over the past five years. I should have gushed over you incessantly while you were mine. I am so sorry for believing that I wasn’t worth you, because it became a self fulfilling prophecy that shattered us. It made me sabotage and completely miss the way you were showing me that you were fighting for me every day over the years, and that I was all you wanted forever, faults and all. It made me miss that you were telling me up to the very last day that you loved me still. I am so sorry for so quickly believing that you could be out of love with me when your passion for me ran so much deeper than that. I’m so sorry for trying to talk myself into being ok with letting you go. I’m so sorry for all the stupid textbook psychology bullshit I said to you—it could never apply to us and what we had. It didn’t matter that we didn’t have much in common because we had everything in common where it counted most. We had a wonderful home. We loved our family and our shared space and lazy days and dinner parties and spontaneous dates and didn’t mind eating dog hair and loved each other…like the ocean loves the shore, always coming back no matter how many times we were pulled apart. All of the complaints I ever had in our relationship seem so petty and stupid from the perspective I have now that I’ve lost us. I am so sorry for letting myself put up a wall when there was conflict instead of leaning into it and fighting for you. I am so sorry for feeling threatened by your independence. I should have been proud of you and genuinely sought my own so we could be happier and healthier and grow together. I am so sorry for not constantly showing and telling you how passionately I felt about you physically and not taking more initiative in our love life, expecting you to do it for me so much of the time. I am sorry for letting my self esteem hurt my drive, and not hearing when you kept telling me how beautiful and attractive I was to you. I’m sorry for not seeing myself through your eyes, because I never would have said that word if I had. I am so sorry for not constantly praising and appreciating everything about you while I had you right in front of me. I’m so, so sorry for behaving like a child, for cowardice, for not sticking up for you this time, like I know you would have for me. I’m sorry for ever confusing myself so badly. I’m so sorry for failing you. I’m so sorry for not being the one you deserved. There are a million more things I could tell you that I’m truly sorry for and wish I could go back and change. I will end with: I am so sorry that it took losing You, love of my life (I agree with what you said), to see that I already had EVERYTHING, because I had you and I had our family. I had everything. Losing you will be the biggest regret of my entire life. And I would give and do absolutely anything to bring what we had back and be the person I should have been when I had the chance. I’m so sorry for breaking both of our hearts.

This is the list of thank yous.
Thank you for making me feel special and telling me I was worth it over and over. Thank you for not giving up on me when I showed you brokenness and insecurity and fear. Thank you for forgiving me every time I was out of line and hurtful. Thank you for giving me chance after chance to apologize and start over. Thank you for giving me a warm, safe, and secure home full of love and laughter and good food and comfort and dogs that were incredibly frustrating and incredibly wonderful. Thank you for funny inside jokes and nicknames. Thank you for always giving me food off of your plate. Thank you for always giving me the first bite and the first sip of your things. Thank you for buying me random things that you knew I wanted. Thank you for making a big deal out of not ever getting a small dog, then taking me to go get the perfect one. You really tricked me that day! Thank you for always telling me your phone was unlocked and giving me the access to anything I could ever ask to reassure me that you had nothing to hide. Thank you for constantly talking about me behind my back in the best way in the whole world, telling everybody how beautiful you thought I was and how smart you thought I was and how lucky you felt. Thank you for wanting to share so much of your precious time with me. Thank you for telling me stories or distracting me whenever I felt really anxious. Thank you for being the world’s best emotional support human and for squishing me in a warm embrace every time I was falling apart. Thank you for never pushing me away every time I would touch or hug you when you were beyond upset with me. Thank you for so many comfortable, warm, wonderful days and nights eating snacks and watching movies laying in bed next to you. Thank you for so many fun and delicious dinner parties and gatherings where we worked together to welcome and entertain people in our home. Thank you for asking me on random special dates. Thank you for always knowing when something was wrong with me and asking and listening. Thank you for dreaming such big dreams with me and achieving every single crazy new goal and adventure. Thank you for encouraging me to continue my education and prioritize it. Thank you for encouraging me to take care of my body and pamper it and prioritize self-care. Thank you for never making fun of me for pooping the bed when I had Covid. Thank you for getting Covid just to stay next to me and care for me. Thank you for working endless hours, hurting your body and losing sleep, never stopping, never giving up, just to get us the home and life we dreamed of. Thank you for trying so hard to be patient with me—I never appreciated enough how incredibly much effort it took to push against the immense weight of all the trauma you’ve endured in order to try. Thank you for prioritizing your education and somehow continuing to work full-time and go to school more than full-time in order to get a career that would pay for our dreams and help me get my doctorate. Thank you for remodeling the house in just a couple weeks and getting it sold for an amazing profit and packing ourselves and these mutts up to go try out a whole new place. Thank you for changing and rearranging so many life plans to make me happy, always thinking of me first. Thank you for wanting me to come out and do things with you and being proud to show me off. Thank you for keeping every single promise that you made to me. Thank you for giving me mushrooms and wontons and cabbage out of your soup even though we were going through the most horrible time in our life and it was all my fault. You STILL gave me food you knew I loved from your own bowl. Thank you for playing cup pong and battleship and pool with me on your phone even when you had to get away from the pain of being near me at the time. Thank you for always picking me up a drink when you got one at the gas station.  Thank you for being the kind of friend I wish I had growing up. Thank you for seeing the best in people especially when it’s the hardest. Thank you for seeing all the possible best things in me when I could not. Thank you for never giving me and us less than 100% over the years I’ve known you. Thank you for encouraging me to make and keep and maintain friendships, to go do girls days, to go to the lake, to go see the otters. Thank you for never calling my art bad even though it is creepy. Thank you for all of the times you have sang with me at the karaoke bar and home and anywhere. Thank you for buying me pumpkins and Halloween decorations even though you didn’t really want them—you knew how happy they would make me and that was more important to you. Thank you for getting a Christmas tree because you knew I wanted one even though you had baggage and it was probably hard for you the first time if not every time. Thank you for making new memories of Christmas trees with me that replaced the shitty ones from my stupid sister. Thank you for eating Thai food with me even though you didn’t like it much, but you knew I loved it and that was more important to you. Thank you for trying the weirdest shit that I cooked even when it was gross. Thank you for stopping me when I would get angry with the dogs before I did something that I would hate myself for the rest of the day. Thank you for being so nice to my mother especially in her most special moments. Thank you for not hitting my dad in the head with a hammer especially in his most hilarious moments. Thank you for helping me find the courage to cut toxic family members out of my life. Thank you for knowing me inside and out more than anyone ever has and seeing all the best and worst parts and not running away. Thank you for telling me when I was being a jackass because you know I could do better than that. Thank you for the best Thanksgiving dinners anyone’s ever had, with all the gravy. Thank you for every incredibly thoughtful couples gift that was so cool. Thank you for taking me to get so many sundresses. Thank you for reading books to me in your calming voice. Thank you for fighting so hard for us through every conflict, every obstacle, every hardship, and every interference that we’ve ever been through. Thank you for giving me chance after chance. Thank you for this final chance to start out as friends and if it’s all there can ever be again, knowing we have given Us every possibility. Thank you for not cutting me out of your life though I do not deserve to be in it. Thank you for protecting me with your life, even now, when it’s not your job. Thank you for setting an impossible standard to meet that means I will never give another asshole a chance if I can’t have you, but will encourage me to have lots of chihuahuas instead, and maybe even a fluffy one. Thank you for thousands of wonderful memories I will never forget, and so many life lessons. Oh, and thank you for remembering what foods I like even now, like sour cream.

I will always love and remember you.

Sincerely, 
Tamara