Maybe I’ve Moved On

Maybe I’ve Moved On

Maybe I’ve Moved On

Ruby! Hey, it’s me again. Remember me, Antonique, your old girlfriend?  I spent the first few months wondering why, and I eventually realized that it doesn’t matter. I think from day one, I was in love with the idea of who you could be and what we could be, and I took that and ran with it. I never took the time to truly get to know the real you and fall for that person. I probably never would have fallen in love with your anxious, jealous, manipulative behavior. I spent so many months wondering “did she ever really love me?”, and now I find myself wondering if I ever really loved you. At first, I thought about the time we spent together and how much time I’d spent with you. 

 As time went on I realized that my life in no way stopped when I was with you. I had no real support or encouragement from you, and today I have the satisfaction of knowing I did all of that on my own. I used to think that I left our relationship being completely broken as a person but I now realize I came out of it a better person, a better daughter, a better friend. There were milestones to getting over you. Giving up on the idea that you might call me someday to apologize, having someone properly love me. I’ve come to enjoy my own space so much that I can’t even comprehend how I ever shared it with you. The night where my actions said “step all over me, and I’ll still love you and bail you out”. That was the night where you knew you had me. I was an idiot. As I got rid of all traces of you, my place started feeling like a home again. That was my first sign that this was for the best. 
 The weeks that followed included an out-pour of family and friends supporting me. Sharing their own stories, telling me I was beautiful even though I didn’t believe them. I made new friends during this time, despite what a wreck I felt like. I started taking pictures with myself in them again, sometimes I even felt pretty. Eventually I encountered that moment that I thought everyone was lying about. You know, “it gets better with time”? It wasn’t a specific moment or revelation, I was just done feeling broken by someone so broken herself. 

 I’m not going to end this by thanking you or wishing you the best. First of all, you don’t deserve that – but it would also be completely phony on my part. All I’m going to say is fix yourself before you ever try to bring someone down with you again. And keep telling your friends that I was crazy, honestly, whatever makes you feel better. It hasn’t really stopped them from trying to hang out with me, anyways. Your life is only as good as you make it, and so far mine is so much better without you.

 Now, to whoever else you trick into loving you, I can’t express to them how much I apologize to them for falling for you.You see, my ex-girlfriend is not who she makes herself out to be. She is not the charming, happy, loving, affectionate person who you believe that you have found. She’s probably told you things, maybe a little bit of her family history, and maybe even a few other smaller things in her life that she has “overcome”, enough to make you feel badly for her, proud of her for where he is today, and even a little lucky for being with someone who has been through what she has. She is a broken bird who which you instinctively want to save. 

 She will eventually stop smiling. She will eventually stop the affection. All of a sudden she will go from perfectly calm to a complete irrational hurricane in a matter of seconds-and it will be all your fault. She will tell you she’s done with you at least a dozen times in those moments yet doesn’t mean it, but for your own sake, I hope that you do. She will tell you it’s because of her father, or because of the life that’s been handed to her. She will list off all of the reasons for why she is the way she is as justification. She will tell you it will never happen again, but it will. 

 And then those fits of verbal and emotional warfare turn into something much, much worse. And it costs your entire existence as the human being you are right now.

  You will change, not on purpose, and not really knowingly, but that’s what the professional abusers do. They get you to change and turn into who they want you to be without you even knowing it. And you are with not only a professional, but a master. Before you know it, you won’t speak to your family as often. Your friends will become a seemingly distant memory. Your life, as you know it, will become only her. I’m sure your family is a loving, supportive group of people and you will want to involve her in this because you love her (or will love her) and also a small part of you hopes that your family will rub off on her and give her something she never had. I’m sorry, but you and your family will never be good enough. Not for her. I never was either.

 The truth about her is simple: she does not know how to love. She believes in a love and a life that isn’t real, and therefore, she will never truly be happy. And when she isn’t happy, bad things happen. Life changing things. I can sit here and name every horrible thing that occurred throughout our relationship, but I don’t think you want to hear it, and frankly I have worked extremely hard to stop reliving it.

 So I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I allowed her to believe that what she was doing to me was right for as long as I did, because now she very well could do this to you. I’m sorry that her lies and her games are so convincing that I wholeheartedly believed her, because now she thinks she is bulletproof. I’m sorry I didn’t fight harder to have something be done, instead of just finding the strength to leave, I wish I could done both. 

 You may still be thinking that this is all just a vindictive move against her, and that’s okay. I get it. I didn’t want to listen to it either when I was you. But you have to know that I have nothing to gain from this. My life is amazing, it’s peaceful, and it’s complete. I have my family back, I am in a relationship that has shown me what love actually is.
 If you leave her, you get to keep that beautiful smile of yours. You get to have a future that doesn’t include worrying if she’s really where she says she is. Or with who she says she’s with. Or if you’re good enough. Or if she really meant to say the things she did. Or above all, if your night will end in variations of happiness, or with your tears on the floor. You get to remain you, you get to be happy. I have worked tirelessly to get back to the human I was before her, and while I know I’m forever changed, having my sense of person back has been the best feeling I could ask for-and exactly why I don’t want you to ever lose it in the first place. And I can promise you, you are worth that.

 I never wanted to know who her next victim was. I never wanted to know the next person who would have to go through even an ounce of what I did. I never wanted to have to worry or care about the next one, as I’m still and will always be healing myself. And that’s why I never wanted to see your face.

 I’m so sorry, but I have to tell you what I wish someone had told me before. I wished someone had told me that she’d break me as hard as she did. However, there was no one to stop me from falling head over heels for her. You probably feel the same way. You feel like you won at the game of love – like you found the right person who loves you unconditionally and you can feel safe with. But can you truly say that about someone ready to do all the things she did to me?

 She uses her sweet words to make you believe that you’re everything she’s been looking for and more. She gaslights you into believing that you’re delusional. You’ll feel like shes cheating, but she convinces you that you’re overthinking and then pretends like everything’s fine until you start to believe it yourself.

 But don’t lie to me. I know that the voice inside your head is screaming at you to question her more, but your heart has other plans. It’s not easy to battle yourself like that.You think that you’re special, that you can change her, but girls like her are never going to be anything more than an embarrassment to society. Okay, that sounds like a lot, but it’s true. Look at how good she is at deception.

 When you fall asleep, she gets bored and that’s when she reaches out to the first person she knows will lead her to bed. If she’s out with her friends, there’s no one stopping her from pursuing that cute cure in that cocktail dress, who’s swinging her hips to the music. She’s going after her, I can promise you that much.

 You believe that you’re special to her because she tells you that you are. She calls you perfect as if it’s your name, and you believe her. And of course you do.  When you start to question, she makes you feel guilty for not trusting her. She tells you that she’s sacrificed so much for you, but you let her down. Your entire relationship seems to be hanging by a thread just because you asked her a few questions. You don’t want to end up like me, so you try to save your poor heart.

 But it’ll only get worse.

 One day you’ll wake up and realize that you ignored all the obvious signs because of small moments of appreciation that you got from her. You’ll understand what I’m telling you right now because you’ll remember how she always talked about me as if I was the broken one.

 I simply didn’t trust her and I shouldn’t have from the first day that she stepped into my life. I had no reason to look at her and see a person who’d keep my heart safe. She broke me into pieces and now she’s making you feel as if you’re special. You’re not special. None of us are. We’re nothing more than a way for her to get much-needed attention. She craves the feeling of dominance she exerts whenever she breaks a heart. She thrives on knowing that we’re all upset for not being able to keep her around long enough.

 Please, run as fast as you can because she’s not a person you should waste your time on.To be honest, I don’t owe you anything. I didn’t have to write you this letter or tell you all of these things. But I know how she can be. I know that she’s doing everything to conceal her true intentions. But you’re a smart person. You’re not someone who should be messed around with or manipulated. So don’t give her the satisfaction of doing that to you.

 A girl who cheated and manipulated her exes can’t become a completely new person overnight. She didn’t change and you’re not special to her. Just trust me on this one, please. If you believe me enough to see things for what they actually are, then you’ll save yourself from a lot of pain and misery.

 I sincerely hope you listen to me. I hope you make it out without too much damage. There’s no reason for you to stay and pretend like you don’t deserve someone better than her. Because you do. You deserve to experience happiness beyond anything that she’ll ever be able to give you.

Please. Pack your things.You’ll be much better off without her.

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