Hey, JD. I know you’re doing fine already. It’s been almost 6 months since the last time you messaged me, mad for what happened after the closure that was supposed to be civil and healthy. I know I messaged and explained to you what I felt and why I reacted that way. Like you, I was mad that we broke up, but I really had no choice but to really end it when you asked me about my decision after that month break from each other. I’ve always felt you’ve changed and unhappy. I felt how unhealthy it was for us to still continue despite the desire to still work things out. I really wanted to fix us and was willing to dive deeper for us to be alright again. I always tell you that we have to compromise but I really felt that I’m losing myself while trying to save us when you’re wishy washy and inconsiderate with your feelings with me.

I was mad at you, but instead understood you and blamed myself which wasn’t healthy. From there on, I realized that we have become a burden to each other and no matter how hard we try, what’s broken is broken. I wish you tried harder. I wished you loved me as much as I did. I always tell you that I’m willing to dive the ocean for you, but you couldn’t even dip your toes on the ocean. That’s how I felt all throughout.

When you met me, I was still healing from my condition. I was lonely and hurting, mad at my family and the world. You came as a friend and we shared happy times. The next thing I knew, I was crying, emotional to God asking Him to prevent me from hurting you because I felt insecure due to my ptsd and depression. I felt like I would be the one who would sabotage this beautiful relationship I envisioned ours would be. That’s the time I knew I was falling for you already because you weren’t the first guy that I loved, but you were the first guy I actually felt I want to love and commit to. You were my safe space and my peace, but triggers happened. You hurt me and somehow micro cheated which was actually one of my traumas.

From there on, I had felt doubts but I shrugged it off. A lot of problems happened. Your insecurities showed and I thought I should love it through since that’s what love is about right? You work for it to become healthy and lasting. You see I really want to love you so much, peacefully, but getting triggered every now and then was one of the things I hated about you and you did all those things without even feeling careful. Though guilty you may have felt, but love isn’t supposed to make you feel guilty.

Love is preventing yourself from hurting the person you love and rid yourself of the consequences of guilt, right? We hear stories that guilt is part of love, but your guilt made you insecure, it made me too. I had to walk on eggshells, rush my healing, so you wouldn’t have to bear the guilt of hurting me whenever I’m triggered. It was painful—exhausting.  All I did was to protect you from myself that I thought of myself as someone damaged, broken, and evil for being human and hurt. Your true colors were revealed but I was in an illusion that I have to accept that since that’s commitment, right? It damaged me. I got blamed for how I felt about your actions, for how I felt about my traumas, I was questioned for my strong emotions and past grief, judged for being vulnerable, and accused of things because you happened to be insecurely avoidant and emotionally unavailable.

I tried so hard but you didn’t see my struggles and tears off screen when you were out playing computer games. All I ever thought was how to make our relationship work, how to rebuild us after our breakup (because we both needed to take some time off but you asked me to keep you, yet you treated me like an option and an obsessed girl for just wanting clarity and answers as to where our relationship was heading that time). I  am still mad for how I got played by someone who wanted and fell for me first. I am having thoughts wether you’re a narcissist or someone inexperienced in relationships.

Now, I found out about your new relationship on twitter. How long have you known her? Was it the time when I asked you if there was someone new that you easily said yes to officially end our relationship and connection? Was it the time I noticed your energy and treatment changed when you suddenly became active on discord? Was it the time when I was dealing with all the pain and traumas that I had to cope and survive the breakup that you already found someone to replace me even after telling me that you’re done with dating since you gave your all as well? Was it the time when I had gut feelings that you wanted to flirt with someone new and I was instead blamed for what I did out of pain?

Tell me, how long have you been in love with her? Was it the time when I was at my lowest dealing with the loss of someone I greatly loved whom I wished to drop everything and heal everything just so I can make the relationship work? I felt betrayed, angry at the unfairness, mad at you for making me believe that it was my fault and that I was broken and had to rely on you since you wanted someone to depend on you to make your insecure and egoistic ngsb self to feel needed and valued. That’s how I viewed you when I realized how awful your love bombing was.

I’m grateful tho, for singing me lullabies, for treating me good, and for helping me heal my intimacy problems. But fuck you though for letting me feel the rush to heal so I wouldn’t hurt your insecure ass abt my past (traumas and experiences). Fuck you for letting your laziness and egoistic self ruin us. Fuck you for broadcasting our problems to your friends but got mad at me for doing it after our breakup calling me a gossiper and accusing me for slandering you when those were truth. Fuck you for the love bombing when I told you I wasn’t comfortable receiving huge value gifts and money since those were my childhood traumas, but you insisted still pushing your ideas and disrespecting my comfort and traumas. Fuck you for the gaslighting and manipulation. Fuck you for making me crazy and toxic that I still don’t know now who I am. Fuck you for the lies and unfairness and for being selfish and shallow. Fuck you for choosing someone over me or for choosing to lie just to be with someone other than me. Fuck you for making me believe that you were a green flag. Fuck uou for letting me feel alone in our relationship and for wanting to discard me just because you’re tired. Fuck your covert narcissistic behavior that only I knows and is aware of, but most of all fuck your promises and apologies.

Grateful that you came to my life though because you thought me why I should be better off alone. You weren’t good at sex and kissing and you told me you didn’t feel anything during sex? That was very hurtful but it was okay for you??? Grateful we ended. It took me months to understand that you didn’t love me. Your efforts were a reflection of how you wanted to be treated. It was a projection of your needs. Attachment comes from a place of unfulfilled needs. You were infatuated and attached to the idea of a gf. You told me I saved you rrom your loneliness, but your idea of a gf is a gamer girl you can bond with. An introvert, a virgin, a cute girl with thick pinkish lips, a singer etc. Those things are your desires and they are not me. So thank you for everything. I will write and write till I heal