I am guilty

I am guilty

I am guilty


I am guilty, and I am sorry. I wish more than anything on this earth that you could find it in your heart to forgive me and allow me to make amends for the wrongs I have dealt you. I was broken, but you helped fix me. I meant it when I told you I loved you. Every single time.  Even in our darkest moments. Even when you or I thought it was the end. Even though I know you wouldn’t believe me if you read this. I made so many mistakes. I am so sorry for everything. 

You will likely never see any of this writing, but I desperately wish I could share it with you. You were the world to me, and I squandered it with countless mistakes and selfish actions that have damaged you in a way I will never truly understand. I wish I could take it all back. I wish I could redo everything and meet you for the first time all over again. I wish I could start over and treat you like the bright and shining star you have always been.

I am embarrassed, ashamed, guilt ridden, sorrowful, regretful, and so much more. But none of it is enough. I wanted to enter your bedroom and tell you I loved you. I wanted to run away with you to Texas. I wanted a fresh start away from this city, to grow together and heal the damage I had dealt to you. But I was so afraid because of the terrible things I had done, that there was nothing I could do to help you trust me again. I couldn’t face myself. I couldn’t look myself in the eye and take accountability for my actions. But I meant every word when I told you I wanted to be better. I wanted you to know that I was truly committed to you, working harder than I ever had for you. I was prepared to do whatever it took. Because you mean the world to me.

I will never turn you away if you ever decide that you want to reach out to me and communicate. There is a lot to talk about, and I would gratefully accept and appreciate the opportunity to have a genuine discussion about what happened. Though I do not think that will ever come to pass.

You are worth so much more than the terrible person I was. I want so badly to prove to you that I am not that person anymore. But I know that is futile and naive of me. I want to scream, cry, beg, and plead. But I know there is no point.

I am so sorry. I love you so much.
You were my everything, from here to Mars. Even if you don’t believe me.
Goodbye, S.


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