A peek into my thoughts

A peek into my thoughts

A peek into my thoughts

I feel as though you’re probably rolling your eyes as you’re reading this wondering when I will finally give us up. I am well aware you do not want it to be us, I am well aware you have put the idea of an “us” to bed. I am aware that you choose to listen to your family and friends, in hopes that they might be right about us. But something that bothers me and eats at me is that they don’t know anything about us. I am not here begging for you back or creating this gesture of hope that maybe someday you’d find your way back home. I am writing this because I love you. If you love someone, you’ll let them go. I never truly understood that phrase until I met you. I love you so much that I am willing to let you go so you could find your own happiness. Even if it means letting go of mine.

But before I fully let you go, there’s five things you should know. 

1. Truth is we will never be over. We’ll be over in the technical sense but we will never be actually over. We have a connection that overrides time and space. Even when we are separated, I still feel you in everything I do and I still see you everywhere I go. 

2. “ I miss him.” is what I tell my friends because it’s so much easier than trying to explain the way that my hand somehow fits perfectly into yours and the way our lips created a perfect puzzle piece and our sleepy three a.m. “I love you.”s. and the way you force me to walk on the inside of the sidewalk just to make sure I’m safe from the street, followed by the way you would ask to hear about my day and actually care to hear my response and the way my clothes would smell like your cologne once I got home from being with you all day and you being the last thing on my mind before I fell asleep. Because “I miss him” is so much easier for someone to grasp than the indescribable void I’ve been trying so hard to fill ever since your lack of presence began.

3. I’ve made a home in you 
in the way that you smell
in the way that you taste
in the way that you feel

When they ask me where home is,
I always think of you.

4. Loving you was one of the greatest feelings I’ve ever had. 
It came at a point in my life when I least expected it, and they always say that dont they? “It’ll happen when you least expect it.” 
But I didn’t think that would actually be my reality
but it was. 
It was a beautiful chapter in my life.
I felt myself becoming a better person… 

and I was.
I was romantically involved with someone that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and I won’t lie, it felt amazing. I felt like the stars had aligned, it felt like it was what was meant to be for me.

But people got in our way and as much as you don’t want to admit, we both listened to others but our love never allowed us to separate, until it did. Last year in the fall, it felt like I was loving you in the dark. Not how it should’ve been. For once in your life, I wish it was me, you picked. Your problem was that you made everyone around you happy but never yourself. We would be nowhere near to where we are now if you just picked yourself instead of your family and friends. Because truthfully, it should’ve always just been me and you.

So I think the hardest part is always going to be letting go of what we could’ve been, what we should’ve been but I’m grateful for the memories. 

5. Our love for each other is so much stronger than our desire. Desire is easy to fight. Especially when the only weapon desire possesses is attraction. It’s not so easy when you’re trying to win a war against the heart. The heart doesn’t lie… my heart is with you, it’ll always be you. 

My mother once told me love is a lot like water.
It can be Calm. Raging. Threatening. Loving. Peaceful. 
Water will be many things, but even in all forms, it will always be just water.
You are my water.
I think I might be yours, too. 
If you’re here reading this, it means we’ve evaporated.
But that doesn’t mean I don’t hope you flood the whole goddamn world daniel. 

If it’s not me then at least I hope it will be someone who will surround you with as much joy and love as I felt for you, every single day. I’ll be smiling and watching from a distance. 

Thanks for all the adventures, now go have a new one!

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