I have to confess for my actions, I don’t know how to express myself to you, so I will do it on here until I gain courage to contact you.

You are my child’s father, and I want too explain myself for what let up to my actions, why I did the things I did, why I showed so much anger.

To start, I never knew how to be in a relationship, growing with all older siblings in a poor house, we learnt that if you have no financial value, you can have sexual value.  I won’t go deep down that story line. But basically sex is all I knew, I didn’t know how to have emotional attachment to it. This is why it was so easy to replace men that I’ve dated, it was just sex. 

I came to realize recently what made my heart jump, jealousy, competition, ownership, entitlement. I just want to explain to you why I made for life hell.

I didn’t care that I left you, sex didn’t bother me and it didn’t bother me if you had it either. I knew you would always be there when I left. But I was wrong, there were alot of bitches that liked you, and you, a clueless guy who didn’t know when a bitch was going to use you and give you sex. 

I couldn’t allow that, it made me angry that you were doing so well with out me, I sought to destroy you. I wanted to stop you. I wanted you to just stay where I left you, and I knew other girls were closing in on you. You had no idea. But I watched them. 

All the anger, all the chaos all the drama. I know it made no sense to you. Just step back n look, you’ll see that I was trying to get your attention. I wanted you to focus on me, I wanted you to see that I was scared, that I was hurt, that I didn’t want you to go. N I did everything to stop you.

I know it was selfish. And I’m sorry, 

Letting go of someone just to see them grow and shine and attract beautiful women
It ate at me. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, I just started becoming angry.

When you cut that final thread holding is together, I panicked, I used all the weapons I could against you. I felt you abandoning me. Even though I know I left you, I want ever going to be done with you, but you, you were done with me.

I felt like I was getting left behind again
I couldn’t let that happen

So I destroyed you