To my First True Love

To my First True Love

To my First True Love

I wrote this when we were together but I added a little more words to this. It’s crazy how we act like we are strangers. You act like I’m not even a human being. You make fun of me all the time, call me names, make fun of me a million times, the guy I fell in love with showed his true colors. You showed me the real you after we broke up. You were so cold  hearted you weren’t the same guy I fell in love with. laugh with your friends about me. I finally got it i understood what it was like to fall in love with someone i was crazy about us and yes i made a mistake people make them all the time and No i’m not here to beg for you back because that’s not what i’m doing im here to tell you how i felt about you when we was together.

I found this a month after we broke up and i keep asking myself why did i do what i did i ask myself that over and over again i’m extremely terrified to be in another relationship and if it’s with you i don’t think i will ever be ready again i know it was my fault that we broke up. After we did i felt so alone, damaged, left out, i lost most of my friends i went into a deep depression while you were doing so well it was like our break up didn’t even hurt you at all you acted fine and i asked myself was it even love at all?

I’ve grown. And I don’t want you to think that I’m mad after the breakup because to tell you the truth, you gave me something no one ever gave me.I didn’t mean to bother you, but I was thinking about something and suddenly lots of memories popped up in my mind. I am feeling so emotional thinking about you and I am missing those wonderful days we spent together. I was the happiest girl in the world with you. I am so unlucky that I couldn’t make it possible to keep continuing with you.  

I just feel so lonely and loving thinking about you. That’s why I thought of writing a Letter. Do you remember the first day, when you approached me? I was the luckiest girl in the world. I thought I was going to be the happiest one.I know it has been a while, and you may be forgetting things and moving on, but I can’t forget those beautiful days. You were the only man in my life. And still, now, you are the only one.

After the breakup, it was not easy for me to move on. And I never was able to have another boyfriend, because of some difficulties. I always was looking for you in other boys, and it was impossible to find one. And then I stopped and never tried to be in a relationship. You are an amazing person. And I appreciate the time we spent together. I am so blessed that you were with me.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what happened between us, and I’m sorry for how I acted. You didn’t deserve that  and I know I’ve said sorry more than we both ever could count and it wont take back what happened. I would have never thought in a million years i would met the guy i’ve dreamed of no words could ever describe the way i feel about you the love i have for you is so strong even if we are no longer together i spent the best 6 months of my life with you i never felt so safe so loved so cared for until i met you.

When I tell you I love you, I don’t say it out of habit. I say it to remind you that you’re the best thing that ever happened to me. My love for you is something that I can’t even begin to accurately describe in words. Tried to put words to the madness. The complexity of emotions that overwhelm me at the very thought of you.”I love you” is typically all that I can come up with, because it makes a long story short. It sums up the things that I am incapable of summing up. I cannot even tell you the exact moment it happened. The moment I knew I was falling in love with you. The moment I realized you were the person I wanted to grow old with.

No matter how many love notes I write, times I hold your hand, or love texts I send love quotes, nothing can express the deep, amazing love I have for you. For some reason, I am pretty terrible at expressing these warm feelings. I struggle to make you know, really know, how strongly I feel about you. And it breaks my heart. I wish you could see you the way that I see you. I wish you could feel the way that you make my heart soar with a simple look. I wish you could comprehend the infinite times a day I think of you and smile.

Every time you smile, I get butterflies in my stomach. I love you to the moon and back. From handwritten texts to Snapchat streaks, we have managed to keep each other on our toes. Our passion and love are the ones for the movies. I love you with all my heart. I love your sleepy voice, how you sound so like I am the only one in this world for you. I cannot contest that because I don’t think I will swap this love for anything else in this world.I love you in the most cheesy, mushy way possible! I will not hesitate to lay my life for you, and I know that you would reciprocate my feelings without skipping a heartbeat. Every storm seems easy to face with you by my side.

Thank you for always being there for me. I love you and will never stop loving you ever.Everything before you is a blur! You showed me what unconditional love means. I love you without any exceptions – with all our imperfections and insecurities. After some time, we realized that love is a choice. I lucked out that you chose me day after day despite my tantrums and quirks. No better man in the world can hold my heart in heart. We learned the hard way that it takes more than love to make a relationship work. For that, I love you even more.

Every day I become a better person who understands how to love and feel loved in return.Your arms are the safest place on this earth. You are my superhero who holds my hand as I rescue myself. I love the fact you believe in me even when I did not. I love you for a zillion things, but most of all, I love you for making me believe in love. Thank you for always being there to help me laugh when I want to cry. Thank you for being there to help me celebrate and lift me higher. Thank you for loving me and letting me love you. And thank you most of all for being you. You’re irreplaceable, non-returnable, and priceless to me. Never change. I hate labels.

You’re my best friend, true love, adventure partner, sweetheart, partner-in-crime, and so much more.  Since we met, I cry a little less, smile a lot more, and know that with you here with me  I’m living in a happier world. Thank you for that. You’ll never know how much I love you.I love you so much that if I had to choose between you and my favorite food and drink , I’d choose you. Whenever I’m with you, the only place I want to be is closer. I don’t mind if you tell me the same stories over and over again for the rest of our lives– I’ll never get tired of listening to you. During the day, you’re the light of my life. During the night, you’re my guiding star.

I feel so blessed every day to have someone like you in my life. My world would be a much darker place without you. I do love you more than words could ever describe. My love for you isn’t something that can be measured. I just know my heart is full of it only for you. Every conversation, every date, every conversation, every smile, every laugh, and every moment in between I fall more and more in love with you. I used to think I’d do anything for love, but for you, I’ll do everything.I am so completely and totally in love with you. All those butterflies, love songs, and the weightlessness of love. It’s all real with you.

You’ve been on my mind every moment since I’ve woken up, and I hope you’re still there in my dreams when I go to sleep.You’re more than I ever dreamed of, more than I deserve, and more than I’ll ever need. I love you more and more, every day. I can’t remember what life was like without you, and I hope I never have to again. You’re my whole world! I may not have been your first crush, first kiss, or first love– I just want to be your last everything. Whether they’re good or bad, I look forward to each and every day knowing it’s another one spent with you.The first time I saw you I had this strange feeling. It was like my heart said, “Oh, it’s you. I’ve been looking for you.”Never doubt for a second that my “I love you’s” might be out of habit– I mean it more and more every time I see you.

Every day I go to bed thinking there’s no possible way I can love you any more tomorrow than I did today. But then I wake up and I’m always proved wrong. Even the littlest moments with you are monumental to me.You have no idea how much my heart races when I see you. Your voice is my favorite sound. So far, every moment we’ve spent together has been awesome. But I promise you, that the best is yet to come.If only you knew how much those little moments with you matter to me.

If you were a movie, I’d watch you over and over again. In a sea of people, my eyes always search for you. If loving you was a job, I’d be the most deserving, dedicated, and qualified candidate. In fact, I’d even be willing to work for free!Your smile is literally the cutest thing I’ve ever seen in my life.You do a million little things that bring joy to my life. I know fairy tales come true because I have you. If nothing lasts forever, can I be your nothing? Everyone has their own motivation to get up in the morning and face the day. You are mine. Whenever my phone vibrates, I hope you’re the reason for it. Life without you is like pizza  without cheese. Nobody is perfect, but you’re so close it’s scary. I love you more than I did yesterday but not more than I will tomorrow. The only time I stupidly smile at my phone is when I get text messages from you. I can’t explain the way you make me feel when I hear your voice or see your face, but I adore it.

You wanna know who I’m in love with? Read the first word again. I want you to know that there’s no one who can replace you. The way you look, the way you always know what I am thinking about, the way you give me a hug when I need it the most, and the way you listen to me is priceless. You have touched me more profoundly than I ever thought you could. I love you.I’m so completely in love with you. I wake to think of you, and I sleep to see you in my dreams. Every day seems like a blessing since I have met you. I feel so lucky and honored to be in love with you with all of my heart. Thank you for sharing your love with me. It’s a truly wonderful gift. I will love you always. You are everything that I ever needed in this life and I cannot imagine life without you. I love you, darling.

There were days when you carried me through the rough patches with your calm strength and never say die attitude. I am so lucky to have someone like you in my life through thick and thin. I could say it a billion times, but it would still not be enough to show the depth and breadth of my love for you. I LOVE YOU. I cannot say it enough. I have fallen for people before, but never like this. You are exceptional, and I am so happy that you chose to be mine.  I know I say I love you all the time, but that’s not enough. Those three words can’t describe the way I feel about you. You make my tummy do flips and my hands shake. I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love you and I don’t think I will ever love someone this much again. You’re everything I have ever wanted and needed. I am in love with you so much, you’re my everything, my entire heart, my world.

It started with wanting to spend more time with you. I wasn’t even sure what it was back then, just this feeling I had of wanting more. More time, more information about you, more of your presence in general. I’d make excuses to see you, to ask you questions, to come up to you at events, to be in the same place at the same time. I didn’t know it was love then, I just knew I had to find a way to be around you. It was such a simple need. And it still is. I need you in my life. I need to be around you. Your presence, your smile, your very self. You make me so happy. I want you to know that you are the most important thing in my life. You’re the reason I do everything. When I get up in the morning, I feel so grateful for every second I have with you and have here on earth. You give my life meaning, you give my days such joy, you are the reason I smile. Thank you for being with me, for joining me on this journey through life. Your love is everything to me. Sometimes you and I seem like a wild dream, but it’s a dream I want to come true. It seems so impossible. That I should find you, the one other person in this world who fits me so completely and who makes me so happy.

Sometimes when we’re together, I’ll look over and you’ll be doing something small—something silly like looking for something to eat in the fridge or scratching your back maybe—and that one small thing causes this surge in my heart. I can’t believe I’m the person who gets to share these moments with you, these small, seemingly-insignificant moments. I never thought this would be what my wildest dream would be like, but I’m so glad they’ve come true. What can I say? You’ve been there for me through everything. I know we fight, but every relationship has its ups and downs. I feel so comfortable with you. It’s so easy to talk to you — I feel like I can tell you anything. I’m so proud to say you’re my best friend and my boyfriend. You mean the world to me. I love you so much!

When I think of perfection, you immediately come to mind. I wanted to thank you for being as perfect as you are. For being the light to lead me through the darkness. Picturing my life without you at this point is impossible and I just wanted to let you know that. You are my world. I’ve honestly fallen deeply in love with you and I am not afraid to say it. We have been through thick and thin and we are still going strong. I can’t imagine my life without you by my side. I am crazy about you and I can’t even explain all these feelings inside of me. Whenever I’m with you, I’m different, but in a good way. I smile and laugh more, and I don’t have to pretend that everything is okay. With you, I can drop the facade and just feel and express everything genuinely. I no longer feel hurt and alone and instead, I feel safe and loved. You’re so easy to talk to, to open up to. And in turn, everything you say resonates with me like no other.

You have shown me that in this world filled with apathy, there is one person who can love me for who I really am. I really appreciate you being here because with you, I’m different. With you, I’m happy. You gave me hope, you showed me hope, you are hope. And I’m thankful for that. I’m thankful that we were once something, once together, once in love. But all relationships must end, sooner or later.

I am writing this to you as a way of trying to work through the issues that I am having right now. It is for me a way to start the healing process and to move on. It’s also sort of a way for me to document what I am going through right now for you and for me. Writing these things out helps me to better identify what is really going on. I don’t expect an answer and to be honest I’m really afraid of one too.I know I put a lot of pressure on you to fix me and that is not ok. I’m sorry. I am having a very difficult time right now to the point that I have had a complete and total meltdown- I guess in professional talk it would be a nervous breakdown. I am definitely beating myself up over this with every little detail from both our sides, however since I am in the position I am in now I am beating my side up more.

I realize that I put a l lot of burden on you, I realize that I was looking to you to make me happy, to take care of me, to fix everything and to allow me to continue living life in a not so good way as you were there to catch me. This is not ok. You are not responsible for my happiness or emotional well being. A relationship has 2 sides and I know that I was only looking at my side. I felt like you needed my help too and I was unable to give it to you and was just adding to your already full plate. I have always admired your sense of realism and it has helped to balance me out sometimes. I may not have liked to hear what you had to say but it was real and came from a place of maturity and knowledge. Something I am still working on as I go through life. I don’t have the experience and or years under my belt to be able to come up with the answers quite as easily as you can yet.

I am having to come to terms with a lot of issues I am having and coping with who I am or though I was and who I thought I was supposed to be or what I’m supposed to be. It’s not an easy journey to have to look inside yourself and really embrace your mistakes and shortcomings and own up to them. It’s hard as shit and very draining physically and emotionally. I have been doing a lot of research on this to try and help me through and I know that I have to let this go. You may never speak to me again or give me answers or be there for me and I have to accept that. I can’t control you or your behavior no matter how much I want to. I put unrealistic expectations on you and us and again that is not ok. I can’t even imagine what it must be like for you to have to try to deal with me in this state. That is why I am trying to change. Not change who I am to conform to others but to be able to be a better person for myself and those around me.

I just feel like shouting over and over again. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I want to shout it at the top of my lungs- i’m sorry to you, i’m sorry to me. I’m sorry. I can’t seem to say it enough but can’t find the mental power to accept it or to let things go. It’s a heavy weight on my chest that has rendered me completely helpless and afraid.

I wonder about you. Are you ok- are you handling this well- do you care- are you sad- have you completely shut down and feel nothing. I tried that- I tried pushing my true emotions so far down that they ended up erupting like a volcano and burning everything in its wake.I’m in a lot of pain right now. it’s hard for me to breathe let alone see a light at the end of the tunnel. I know I need to change. I know I need to grow up. I also know that I need to heal. Life has thrown some lemon’s my way and I can’t seem to bring myself to make lemonade out of them just yet. I also am taking all the blame on myself too and constantly beating myself up.  I have all these feelings and emotions inside me that I know I have to come to terms with and It’s the scariest thing I have ever been through. It’s literally eating me up inside. It’s burning up all my energy and making me feel completely incapacitated. I do what I need to do to get through the day. I put small tasks on my plate to get through them. Washing the dishes may seem like a small task but when you have no energy and feel at a complete loss it’s a big deal. I just want to curl up on the couch and sleep but that eludes me too. I can’t sleep. I also know that I can’t give up. I have to survive not only for me but for my little brothers. I have no choice.

Life moves on around me. People get up and go to work and have no idea what is happening behind my closed door, nor should they. I can’t expect everyone to drop what they are doing to take care of me when really I need to take care of myself. Something I am finding very difficult to do right now. Now that I have purged this out of my system I hope that you are doing ok. I hope that life is treating you well and you are happy. That is what I want most of all is for you to be happy. If that means you need to have me out of your life then I have to come to terms with that and realize that it’s ok. I know I have done damage. I know a lot of things but not enough right now to pull myself up.You are the only person I have told all this too. You really are the only person I want to tell all this to right now. I can’t seem to bring myself to reach out to anyone for help even though I know I need it right now.

I don’t want to be angry anymore. I don’t want to suffer anymore than is usual for any person to suffer. Of course I know that life is full of disappointments and suffering. I just need to figure out how to better handle that. To separate my emotions from the realities. To keep a level head when I feel like I’m going to explode.The funny thing is I thought I was doing that. I thought I was on a good path. I thought I was doing ok. I thought I had a handle on things and my emotions were wrong. it’s not ok for me to overreact with my feelings, it’s very selfish. I have to gain the ability to control what I can control and let go of what I can not. The life that I was leading was not the one apparently that I am meant to lead. It’s very scary to come to that conclusion. To really realize that I was drowning in my own fear of what I thought was expected of me. I put those pressures on myself and I’m not even sure where they came from. grow up, get a good job, get married, have children then life will all be ok. I can see that looking back I have only damaged myself by giving into these unreasonable expectations.

I want someone to have control and at the same time I fight anyone or anything that tries to control me. I fight people who are trying to help me understand all this.  I realize thatI hear only what I want to hear. I didn’t want to hear the truth. I didn’t want to have to grow up and face responsibility.  I didn’t want anything but to be happy. And within that I was not happy. I’m sorry if I keep saying the same things too. Like I said, I’m not even sure if I’m going to show this to you. I keep going back and rereading this as i know that my answers are here on this page. I am feeling a little better by having written this even if it never comes to anything.

I have failed you on all this but worse i have failed myself. I have let myself down and allowed myself to get to a state of such disarray that I can’t even see straight. I feel like even now I am putting the pressure on you and I am truly not trying to do that. I guess I just felt the need to get some closure or at least try to explain to you what has been going on with me. I’m sorry if that is selfish and puts you in a bad position. I just really need to get this out of my head in order to move on.

I remember everything,I remember everything, but most of all I remember your perfume, the taste of your skin, your eyes. I remember that unconditional love we had, you and I, and I also remember that day my world collapsed. I remember that immense pain, almost unbearable, I remember how much it hurt to live, to breathe, I remember feeling what it was like to have a broken heart. I remember this darkness around me, this tormenting whirlpool, I remember wondering if the pain would eventually stop. I remember vowing myself yours forever, I remember hoping for your return.

I never think that you are responsible for the break between us, I think it’s luck. Luck didn’t favor us and we broke up. I never think it will be possible to have the same understanding with a guy. But I will try, I will try to move on. And in the end, I still feel you are the same I did before. You will think I’m kinda crazy, but I don’t care about that. I still feel you and miss you so much, I wish you to become my life partner. But it’s not possible, I know that. And I don’t expect you to ever forgive me or give me another chance and I’m not asking for that. And I don’t expect you to tell me how you feel about this letter. I just wanted to show you that I wrote this when we were together. I just added some words to this.  

I wish you all the happiness in the world with someone else, but being friends with you used to be so hard and now its so easy i’m so proud of you Brenden i’m glad you are doing so well and i’m glad you are over our break up it didn’t even take you a week to move on sometimes i think to myself did i even mean anything to you at all i question myself everyday i beat myself up over and over again i’m finally getting myself back again. It took me 6 to 7 months to get better and find my happiness again to find myself again when i was with Isaac i never felt this love for him the way i did with you and i was with him for 2 years and never fell so deeply in love with him the way i did with you Brenden i could write everything i love about you if i could. I would never stop because there’s no ending but I don’t think you would like to hear or read if I did write everything I love about you. And there’s no point in me explaining how much I loved you and cared about you.

There’s just no point i have gave up on us a month ago. But I still remember every little thing we did & all our conversations. & all our hugs & our kisses and i still remember our break up like it was yesterday. I broke myself after we broke up and I know I’ve said that a lot of times. But when we broke up i went into a deep depression i felt all alone i known i had friends but they wasn’t there for me when i needed them 4 months into the break up i tried to take my own life again that was my 4th time trying i never felt so alone the way i did when i lost you i didn’t realize what i had until you was taken from me it was like me losing a loved one. The problem was I didn’t leave when I knew I was falling too deep for you at the time I felt alone. We were fighting and I don’t know why I didn’t talk to you.

Our break up was all my fault and I deserve anything you say or do to me.  I can’t call you when I’m upset anymore. I can’t spam your phone when I’m bored. I can’t hold you when we’re tired. I can’t hold you close to me when you feel insecure. I can’t kiss you when you’re unsure of my feelings towards you. I can’t love you, not the way I want to. Now, I love you from afar. I see you in everybody I talk to. I can’t help but compare everybody to you. He doesn’t have your eyes. He doesn’t like your type of music. He doesn’t have a gentle touch like you do. He doesn’t have a lean, tall body like you do. He doesn’t have dorky, He doesn’t have your smile. He doesn’t have your style. He doesn’t have your voice. He is not you. They are not you. They will never compare to you. I love you, but I need to stop. I need to stop loving you because at this point, I’m breaking my own heart.It’s been almost 7 months . I should be over you.

How am I not over you? I say I’m over you but my love for you is still there and then regret still follows in my head everyday. I want to say I’m over you but the love & care for you is still there and it continues to grow more and more everyday. Whenever I feel like I’m over you, I see you. And I get a glimpse into your eyes, and I remember everything we used to do together. And again, I’m hooked on you. Yes, that’s easy. Just like when we first met, I was hooked. I wish I could take back anything hurtful that I might have said out of anger and irritation. I am sorry that I let my emotions get the better of me. I apologize that I unknowingly took you for granted. I deeply appreciate you being in my life and supporting me through everything when we were together.

I know I will never get to experience the time we spent together again. And that doesn’t seem to bother you, not even a bit. Did our love even mean anything to you at all? Falling in love with you was the best thing that happened to me. Your love helped me grow as a person, and I will always be grateful for it. But we both know that staying together is no longer a viable option for us, and it is time we accept it. Circumstances have changed and have, sadly, worked against us.

I feel like  I will never be able to love someone the way I loved you. It is a heartbreaking decision I am making. You will always dwell in my heart no matter where I go in life. All the best to you, and I hope you find someone who will love you even more than I ever did. You know I love you and will do anything to see you happy. However, my feelings for you are more like that of a friend and not a lover. I feel protective of you, but I don’t have romantic feelings for you. I guess it is because we share such a good rapport that I mistook it for romantic love. I feel so comfortable with you that caring for you is easy. Writing this, I already realize I’ll regret it forever. However, the joy you brought me was unlike anything I had ever experienced from any other man, and it came at a time when I needed it most. You brought out my best qualities simply by being yourself. I believed that our love would endure the test of time, and nothing could separate us.

It deeply hurts me that we cannot be together, and I know my heart will be scarred. However, now that we no longer influence each other positively in the way we used to, the best thing for both of us is to part. I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors. I sat propped up in bed, on the verge of dozing off and going bonkers. For days, my body hurt, and I couldn’t eat. As I took shallow breaths, I felt as if I were dying, but it was my heart that hurt the most. It had been shattered into a million pieces. My mind was racing with questions about why we were no longer together. I finally realized we’re not right for each other, and we won’t be happy together. I’m finally going to get off this roller coaster.

I am truly sorry for the pain that this breakup will cause you. I wish you the best of luck, regardless of what happens. Nothing in life made me feel as terrible as I do right now. I’m dazed with a throbbing pain in my heart. It is as if my entire world has collapsed and as if my body is about to explode. I’m numb from crying so much. I had many sleepless nights, which made it difficult for me to function at school, and I would cry at random times throughout the day. For a long time, we were in love, and a tiny section of my core will always remember that love. However, I eventually realized that love does not conquer all without equal investment from both of us.

I’m sorry our discussion devolved into a rage, as so many of them do. I want you to know that I never intended to cause you any pain. I wish things could return to how they were with all my heart and soul, but I understand that it will take a long time even to come close. It’s pointless to put effort into fixing this as this will never be fixed. Forgive me for my actions, words, and thoughts, and live a peaceful and harmonious life. I pray for you to be happy from the bottom of my heart. I only want the best for you, and I know I’ll never be able to provide it. I never intended for things to turn out this way, and I will always wish you well in life Brenden.

After we discussed our plans, it became clear to me, and probably to you as well, that our paths are diverging. We all have different desires, and this is too much to overlook. I understand why we split up and we have learned to live without each other rather than continue together because all of this will eventually end. I’ll always remember our time together as one of the most memorable periods of my life. I hope you will forgive me and understand that my departure is in everyone’s best interest. I’ve enjoyed our time together and am grateful for everything you’ve done for me. We’ve been through a lot together, and I admire you for who you are and what you’ve accomplished. I still genuinely love you, but I’ll have to learn to let go of those feelings over time. I hope we can part ways with each other with beautiful memories in our hearts.

As I write this letter, anguish bubbles beneath my feet and my soul screams in agony. My heart is choked by darkness, deadly spears pierce my muscles, and arrows stab me repeatedly. I wish things had gone differently in our case. You were my only hope for happiness. When I look in the mirror, I don’t even recognize myself, and I’m not half the man I used to be. Before you, I felt directionless in life. I didn’t know what I wanted or where to go next. But the moment I first saw you, I could finally see a future for myself, a future with you. From here on out, I will live my life for you and for us because I love you. But now we aren’t together and the love I have for you i dont think it will ever go away.

There are so many things I wish I could tell you, so many little things I need to get off my chest. First of all I miss you, intensely, insanely, immensely. But I know it was for the best, I know it is what needed to happen. I know all these things, I just wish I could convince my heart. I wish you knew the amount of times I typed your number into my phone, just to erase it again. I wish you knew every tear I cried for you. I wish you knew how often I dreamt of us together again – I wish you knew. I wish you knew how every single time I get a message, for a heartbeat I hope it is you. I wish you knew that when something great happens the first person I think to call is you. I wish you knew that even though it was your decision to end it all, I still miss you. I wish that I could turn back time to cherish everything we were and we were about to become. I wish that I could have your love again; I’d cherish it forever and I’d never let it go again.

But love isn’t supposed to have a happy ending, is it? That’d be too easy. There must be struggles, tears, fights, disagreements, and all in order for you to realize how precious true love is and how fragile it is. The love that I broke with you is so far beyond repair that not even gorilla glue can fix it. I can’t fall out of love with you, i don’t know why.You gave me so much pain but why do i still have to try. Even though i have millions of reasons to hate you, you’re still the one i’d love to keep.It’s been 6 months but i still cry myself to sleep. I once had the courage to have you back but all I got was rejection. I hope you know that you’re my only reason. I loved you until I could no longer.Until my heart was empty and drained.When I failed to cry more tears and the last song was sung.I loved you with all I had, with every bit inside.

Yet instead of giving it back, you let a monster grow inside. You left me alone to deal with it. Knowing even I couldn’t tame this beast.A beast created from trust issues and false realities.At this point feel broken.I can’t even love the same.Because when I want to give someone my all,I have this beast who can’t be tamed.Now the pain you left me will never fade,but as long as you’re happy I guess I’ll be okay. I don’t know why i wrote you this, this isn’t going to win you back and show you that i wont ever mess up again i guess i wanted to let you know how i felt i don’t expect you to write anything back or say anything back. It hurts to let go, but I know deep down that it’s the right thing to do.

Thank you for everything. I’m glad that we met. I always just saw you as my brother’s friend and the guy I’ve always wanted to be with. And when I had you I felt so safe in your arms Brenden you was my best friend even when i didn’t show it see i don’t know why i’m writing this to you it won’t change the way we are right now. I’m glad you were part of my life for some time, and I’m sorry that it didn’t work out between us. I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t an emptiness in my heart. Even though we’re no longer together, you’ll always have a special place in my heart. It’s right for us to move on to a new chapter, but I’ll always cherish our memories together. For the first time in my life, I’m 100% sure that going our separate ways is the best decision we’ve ever made.

I wish you all the best.I sincerely hope that you’ll meet someone special in the future and that you’ll be able to establish a happy relationship. If there is anything you want to say, I’m here to listen and not judge. Goodbyes are always hard, but sometimes they are necessary. Both of us deserve to be with the right person. Unfortunately, I wasn’t the right person for you, and you weren’t for me. I don’t even want to think about being in a new relationship with someone else because I know you’ll always be on my mind. You’ve always been my best friend and lover in one its been very hard to get with someone else after the break up one i’m scared ill fuck it up and to i don’t know why i’m so scared to get into another relationship when someone asks me who was my first love i always say its Brenden even when i was with isaac for 2 years i was never this in love with him the way i am with you and maybe moving on isn’t so hard after all, you did it so maybe i can. I would love to try to.

I can’t keep waiting on someone who doesn’t want anything to do with me or someone who doesn’t even care or love me. Whatever happens I’ll always love & care deeply about you. You will always be my first love one day when i have kids i’ll tell them about you ill tell them how i messed up and god took the best thing that has happened to me away from me because of my mistake and how i will never forgive myself for what happened but maybe us breaking up was a good thing it was hard the first 5 months but now i’m getting myself back i’m not so depressed anymore. But I want to say thank you for always being by my side when we were together.

You will always have a place in my heart even if I’m with someone else you will always have a place in my heart no other guy could even replace you. No one could ever take your place in my heart no matter how hard they try it won’t happen.  

It’s sad, isn’t it? I once thought the world of you, and now you’re just another lesson. A lesson I will always look back at and tell myself: Don’t ever let yourself ever fall so deeply in love with another guy. In the end it will all end.

This will be my last letter to you Brenden. It hurts to let go, but I know deep down that it’s the right thing to mother wouldn’t be happy if she known i was waiting on someone who doesn’t care about me no more i made a promise to her and i need to keep it i have to grow up without you or with you but now its without you. If my mother was still here alive I would tell her all about you, tell her you were the guy I fell so deeply in love with and how great a guy you were. And that I had to move on because of my mistake, the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. There’s so much I’ve wanted to tell her about you. I wish you all the best in life. You’re a special person who deserves it. I’m glad you’re doing so well. I’m glad you’re not hurting anymore. I’m happy for you

Brenden after this letter I won’t write any more to you. I don’t see what’s the point we both moved on. I just wrote this when we were together. I just added more stuff to it. Remember how I mentioned before that I just want you to be happy? It is true. It does kill me that we cannot be happy together and live happily-ever-after. I have concluded that no matter how much you love someone, it is hard not to hurt him or her. It is a matter of hoping to forgive and forget.

You were my first, and it breaks my heart to know that you are not my last. I still want to thank you for being my first love. Thank you. Thank you for being my first love. You saw my heart in a light that no one else ever will. I gave you my whole, unbroken and pure heart… and I would do it all over again. That kind of love is once in a lifetime. It’s a love with so many expectations, and yet, you met all of them. It was pure magic. You were my best friend. You know me in a way that no one else ever will. Because now I’m different, I’ve grown. We’ve grown. And while we may not grow together now, you are the reason I will continue to grow. You kept my teenage ambition alive, and now I get to go into the world with that same excitement for life because you taught me that I deserve every ounce of happiness.

Our love was not perfect, but because of you I know that my expectations are never too high. That I should pour my whole heart into everything that I love. And while my heart may be scarred, it is not broken. Because for 6 months you showed me passion, trust, commitment, and most importantly, what I’m worth. And because of that, it doesn’t hurt to remember you. You were pure gold, and you deserve every good thing that comes your way. There are a few things I want to say to you. I don’t even know how to start this or how to put my thoughts into words but I’ll try my best. You were my best friend. Despite all the issues I was having with myself, you were always there for me.

I’m sorry for the fact that I did not step up and that I did not know how to grow in life. How to let go of the pain, how to move forward. Instead, I hid the pain behind self-pity, partying and mostly you. I pushed away the pain because I was not ready to face it. By not dealing with it, by not allowing myself to heal, I couldn’t love you properly. I didn’t know how to, I didn’t know what love meant because I never loved myself. I hope this makes sense – it’s hard to find the right words and to open my heart on something so sensitive. Back then, I didn’t trust myself, so I let everyone else lead my life. I never questioned the path either, I just accepted life as it was because I didn’t believe that I could change it, which reflected into our relationship. I used to self-sabotage a lot before I realized that I didn’t have to. I lived entirely by my emotions at that time. When I was sad, nothing could be positive, when I was angry, I had to let it out. I did not even consider that my actions and my emotions are two entirely different things.

The worst part is, I think we had it right. I think we were good together. We made each other happy. We worked. It was just the timing that didn’t. I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship. Maybe that’s what’s hardest; there was nothing wrong with us, just with me. Or maybe what’s worse is knowing that it just wasn’t enough. But I don’t blame you, it couldn’t have been easy, being with someone who needs constant reassurance, someone who got down for sometimes no reason at all. I know that you tried so hard to keep me steady. You saved me from drowning for such a long time, even though I knew it was hurting you too. You were the first guy to love me properly, and I clung to that for longer than I should have.

When you left, everything I’d been denying and trying to hide for 6 months hit me all at once. It was really bad, but at the same time it was what I needed. It made me see that the only relationship I needed to have was the one with myself. I have grown so much since then. These past months I learned so much. About myself, about life, about love. I’ve noticed that once you understand that you’re the toxic person (which I definitely was), everything about you changes. You move differently, you think and act differently. I’d like to hope you’d be proud because, despite anything I’ve said or done, I still care about how you feel and how you see me. I’m doing better, but to say I never think about you would be a lie.

From time to time I miss you a lot. It’s so strange to think that someone I knew so well is now a stranger to me, that sometimes I go entire days without thinking about you. Most of the time I let myself forget because it’s easier. This isn’t regret, we had our reasons for ending it, and they are as valid as ever. But back at the start, we didn’t need any reasons to fall in love, we just did. I guess what I’m saying is just a small part of me hopes that you still remember what it was like before all the reasons.  Every now and then I wish I’d fought harder for you. I wish I saw that it’s my responsibility to look after my feelings and that it’s my fault if I get hurt. I wish I had been honest with myself sooner about everything.

They say you learn from your mistakes and that’s definitely true, I just wish I didn’t make these mistakes with you. When I think like this, I tell myself that I can wish all I want, it’s not going to change anything. It happened and I can’t do anything about it, which brings me to acceptance. It is painful to lose someone you care about that you thought would be in your life forever, but I’ve accepted it. I’m not saying I’ve completely moved on because it’s obvious that I still love you, but acceptance is definitely the right word to use here. I have forgiven myself for the things I’ve done because I realized I didn’t know any better and that has helped me a lot. I know that I’ve grown and that I would do it a 100 times better if I could do it all over.

Thank you for teaching me that love comes into your life so unexpectedly sometimes, just like you did. Thank you for helping me heal from wounds I didn’t think I ever would. Thank you for the laughter. Thank you for loving me even when I couldn’t love myself. Thank you for the months we spent together. Thank you for teaching me that life isn’t all bad. Thank you for being there for me, for being patient and kind. Thank you for being you. I truly hope that you find happiness, I wish you peace and love and everything good. And I wish the same for myself. I hope you’ll find someone who can give you what I couldn’t. And I can’t speak for you, but you will always be in my heart.

I just want you to know how much regret I have, and I don’t mean I regret meeting you, what I regret is the way I let myself push you away. It pains me that it took us breaking up to make me realize everything you said was right. I treated you like the enemy when all you ever wanted to do was help me. All I knew before you was toxic and I couldn’t see that you were just trying to help me. I truly believe that you wanted a future with me but unfortunately i had to ruin that. You deserve the world and I will always love you. I just want you to be happy and be the man I wish I was with but I was holding you back. I let my anxiety and depression get the best of me and let it eat at me to the point where I pushed you away. It’s not fair to rely on one person to fix all your problems and I did that and it was so wrong.

Although my heart wants to stay, I know it’s best to let you go. Words can’t describe how hard it is because you were the one person who knew me, like really knew me, and took me for all my bad and my good. You were my person, my love, and my everything. I’ll never forget our memories we created and shared, you were an amazing boyfriend and taught me what true love really is. Never settle for less than you deserve. I will never hate you. I will only hate myself for letting myself lose my soulmate. I truly wish I could have met you just a little later in life because I know a better me and you would make the dream team but that’s just something I have to live with. I’m so sorry again for everything.There was a time when i thought i might Be the most happiest person in this world but soon i realized that nothing last forever neither you nor your happiness.

So i have also gone through lots of heart breaks not only because of my love life but also from my loved ones. I fell in love with a guy at a very immature age and the love lasted for 6 months. I just can’t imagine how I can be still in a relationship for a long term. May be i was too busy in giving chances to the person i love. I never thought i could give so much of me to him. that when he will walk away i will be left with nothing. I don’t feel sorry that i am no more in love with the same person. But i am sorry for my feelings that they are not able to recall that how to love again . I moved on so quickly and thought it would be easy for me to restart everything and yes i did. but i seriously don’t remember when i started loving someone again ever in my life after first love.

So here i go. i am not able to feel anything now. my tears are dried and am no longer available mentally to love again. Even if i tried i fail all the time. I refuse to love again, not exactly. I refuse to get hurt again and damage my heart forever in my life for the person who won’t be able to live with me forever because sooner or later he will leave me too. So i just cant love again. I feel like my body is with me without any feelings left behind in me. Now I am living in a shell which doesn’t know how to get broken because I can’t feel any life inside or outside of this shell. so I’m permanently stuck in this and I have no choice! So Now it’s impossible to love again after you.

Nothing that has happened was your fault it was all mine.  As much as I wanted to forget about you the minute that we ended things, I realize now that I never want to forget you – and I’m always going to remember our love. I’m always going to remember my first love.  Looking back, I now laugh about how jealous I would get and how I would deal with my jealousy. It was only because I feared losing you, and no matter how much you told me you loved me, I was always a bit insecure. I know you felt similarly. Even though we were always ourselves in our relationship, we never got too comfortable. This is why, my first love, it is so difficult not to glimpse back and open the vault of memories, to remember the butterflies in my stomach each time I see you and feel a little out of breath after each magical kiss. Our whole relationship was magical, come to think of it; it was strong and powerful, but then, it was gone. Sometimes, I even wonder if it ever even happened because it ended so abruptly and without closure. I guess this is why you are my first love.

The wound is still fresh, even after so many months, and all I feel for you is love. You left me with the ability to love and to cherish, to never give up on something that matters, to never give up on love. I just wish you had not left me with a broken heart and many nights of crying myself to sleep. And just because we are no longer together doesn’t mean i will forget you and the love for you will go away. It’s been almost 7 months. I should be over you. I should forget about you but why is it so hard to forget about you? It was like yesterday we started dating and now when I look back at it sometime I wish we never did get together. It’s crazy how a dare could make me fall so in love with you.

I still can’t believe we got together because of a dare i guess thats why you’re not so hurt over us breaking up i mean i wouldn’t blame you i did you wrong and no matter how many times i say sorry won’t fix us and maybe that’s a good thing  i’m not ready to be in another relationship even if it’s with you i understand that i was the one who caused us to break up but why am i still the one who is hurting more than you? I don’t understand at all but maybe it’s for a good reason i shut out so many people that wanted to be with me because i loved you but i can’t continue to sit around and wait for the love of my life, my first true love it’s definitely going to be hard to move on but maybe i just need to try.

As hard as it’s going to be i have to i have to forget and move on because i know you don’t love me no more and i’m the one who can’t move on because the love i have for you won’t go away but the love you had for me is gone its like i’m a stranger to you and i guess i do deserve that. I guess this is why you’re being so harsh to me. I wouldn’t blame you. Its crazy how many memories we had i cant even go to the farm without thinking and playing the good memories we had in my head i went into my old room at wendys and i played our conversations in my head i remembered me laying on your chest us watching our favorite show z nation while us laying in my bed… I went outside and I played us in my mind sitting on the porch while Stephen rode his dirt bike. You were watching him and I was taking pictures and videos of us. You were so silly the way you looked at the camera. Man that day was so fun.

I had so much fun last summer remember when i woke up at 6 in the morning and i walked over there to mandys and i saw you asleep so i went outside so i wouldn’t wake you up and you came outside and you said you know you should have just came and layed next to me and i said i didn’t want to wake you up and then we went inside and we layed down on the couch and moments later andrew looked at us and he shook his head No and he was smiling at us and you said your just jealous because your lonely and mandy come out of her room and looked at us and asked if i stayed the night i said No and then i forgot what happened after but last summer was the best summer i have had since my mom died. those are some memories i will never forget i had the best 6 months of my life spent with you!

And when i went to your house you would say mom this will be your daughter in law and i would smile. Sometimes people fall for the wrong person, maybe mine was you.. I have never fallen this hard for a guy the way I fell for you. I wish we never got together sometimes because I broke myself in loving you. After we broke up i went down a bad heel even though i was the one who caused us to break up but why was i the one who got hurt more? It took you a week to move on and it took me 5 months to try and move on everytime you came over it hurt me to see you there was so many times i just wanted to hug you and talk to you alone but everytime i’ve tried to we got interrupted by kevin or anthony all i want to do is talk to you not about us but to see how your doing what you been up to. And sometimes see if your with someone else but if you was i couldn’t  going to try to  stop you sometimes i wish the memories would get out of my head and leave forever and never come back i still remember when we was at the lake in the water i remember everything all our conversations is it bad that i still remember everything?

But I’m sorry this was a lot of reading if you even read it. I know I wrote you some in the past but this will be my last letter to you.. I’m happy for you, Brenden. I’m glad you’re doing so well.. Sometimes I wish I hated you instead of loving you. I don’t want to take more of your mind space. It gives me immense satisfaction that you are doing well in your life. I fondly remember the time we spent together and all the happy memories we had at the farm. I wanted to write this to you to say thank you and let you know i’m sorry this will be my last letter to you i don’t think you care but still Thank you for making me realize what true love felt like Thank you Brenden it means a lot and i hope your doing well i’ll always be here for you and ill always love you even  if im with someone else no guy could ever replace your place in my heart.

The last time I will ever say this again I loveyou.. Thank you for the best summer and the best memories… You will always be a special lesson in my life.. Thank you for everything.. I still can’t believe you were my first love. It’s crazy to think that I found love at the age 15 and we broke up.. I still think to myself at night what is he doing right now is he doing okay when the memories come rushing back in my head i lay my head down and this to myself why god just why would you let me push away my best friend? Just why I cant even forgive myself. I guess I’ve decided to write this because lately, I miss you so much it hurts.

I miss looking forward to talking to you and seeing you everyday. I miss when we would just talk on the phone for hours. When you’d not say a word and tell me you love listening to the sound of my voice. I miss when I would go to look at you, but you were already looking at me first. Some days I miss you so much I go through all the messages you wrote to me, and it makes me smile, but then I wake up in the morning and realize you’re not here anymore, and I get sad again. To hear I was your world always made me feel special. You were not ashamed of me and you would remind me you loved me everyday.

Some days when I think about you I don’t cry any more . It gets hard to breathe when I think about us and what we had.  I’ve tried to convince myself I don’t want you anymore. But I just can’t let go. I don’t want to see you move on, but I’m not doing much about it either. I could tell you how much Ive missed you for days and weeks , but I feel like it won’t make a difference. You are my angel in human flesh. You are too much for me, yet I can’t get enough!! I simply cannot put into words how I feel about you when I see you, hear you! My heart breaks just to be around you. I take in the way you move, the way you talk,  whenever you are around although it may only be for a brief moment, it’s enough to make my day.

I can’t be saying much now because we aren’t together so I’m not going to say something that won’t help us in any way. I don’t even know why I’m writing this to be honest.. It’s very hard for me to let you go, but I have to. I can’t go around hoping for you to come back and I can’t think about you all the time. Just know that this is one of the hardest things I have ever done. I will always love you and care for you, and I will never forget about the beautiful time I had with you.  

I don’t know where to even start. You first came into my life on that crisp fall day. Surrounded by our friends I couldn’t take my eyes off of you. Your bright wide smile sent shivers down my spine. The sound of your voice made me feel like a teenager experiencing butterflies for the first time. People came into my life before, but then there was you. You always made my world a brighter place. Your arms wrapped around me, hands clasped so tight throughout the night as pillow talk filled the quiet night sky. The world around us seemed to disappear and time stopped. From the countless adventures, to the lazy days we were inseparable.

I tried to hide my heartbreak the night you told me those words. But I have no hard feelings. I always told you that my one wish in this life was to see you happy. I now realize that wish is coming true. I’m just no longer by your side, but you’re always on my mind. I want to tell you I still love you. I want to tell you all the ways you make me feel. How happy you make me. But I know you’re happier now. I see the photos of you now and how you still wear that bright wide smile, and for a strange reason it brings a smile to my face. I can never thank you enough for loving me the way you did. Even if it was just for an instant in this life. I am forever grateful for it. I couldn’t imagine my life without you in it. But now that’s my only choice to face the reality each day that you’re no longer mine.

I still look at our photos and tear up, but smile and laugh to myself remembering the good times. I still want to text and call you whenever I get good news, but I know you’ll no longer respond. You will always be my person Brenden. I live each day with hope you’ll come back into my life one day. That one day fate will lead our paths to cross once again. That one day I will be able to hold you again, arms wrapped around one another, hands clasped tight, pillow talking filling the night. No matter where this life takes me I know in my heart….there will always be you…you’ll always be my little wombat.

I will always love you even if it is from a distance. You will always have my heart. I feel like this somehow might make me feel better, deep down I know it really wont. I wish things would have been different, so much time has gone by since that first day we met. I remember seeing you just feeling something instantly, it’s like I was drawn to you, probably the worst way to approach someone, or maybe not cause hey we did have 6 months together, months that i can’t seem to remove from my memory. I did love you. More than you could ever know.

I always wanted to be the best for you, still to this day as pathetic as it sounds I still feel that way. Going through pain like this you tend to find yourself speaking to others about it all and I have come to realize from all of the conversations is that I truly do love you and as mad as I am that you are with someone else if you are I’m more mad at myself for every stupid impulsive action I took. I lost you, you meant everything to me and I just treated you and showed you something different, because of my insecurities I pushed you away.

I still replay our happy memories sometimes, and when I go to sleep I cuddle my pillow; if I’m weak enough to allow memories of you into my head I often imagine it’s you I’m cuddling. I guess you were the only thing that’s  keeping me on my feet, you were the only thing that was making me happy. It’s sad that one person could make you happy. The day Anthony came into my room and said you got into a car crash my heart sank to my feet i thought it was my fault. I was so worried I was shaking. I didn’t know what to say or do. Ever since that day I’ve always told you to drive safe and you would get so mad at me for saying drive safe.

I know I told you that I would only write you one letter, but I haven’t gotten over you. So this is my final letter to you and only you, so that I have more room to say everything I need to say. This is really the last chapter that I’m going to write you in.  You should know what happened when you left. I don’t regret being with you. I can’t forget the days we talked for hours. You made me laugh and I miss that when I’m sad. People who tell me “it’s alright” make me feel worse. I hate their pitiful eyes & formal words. I need someone to care but you’re busy in your new found world. Was it easy for you to move on? Do you ever miss me? Such thoughts continue to disturb me. Only the puffy eyes and the damp pillow know I haven’t slept for several nights. I have no energy to get out of my bed or leave my room. I can’t eat anymore. I’m good for nothing. Nobody can help me because I can’t help myself.  There is a certain pain all over and I don’t know why. I’m tired without doing any work. My mind feels like it is dying day by day. I’m stuck in a mess I myself created but I don’t know how to come out of it.  I was about to do what I said before you left – end my life. “I don’t care what you do to yourself.” All I wanted to know was if you really didn’t care.  

In the beginning, our budding romance was euphoric. The thought of you made the days brighter and the moments without you seemed almost unbearable. And then, reality set in. We got comfortable and eventually just gave up. We realized we could live without each other and started to drift apart. Moments after the breakup, I’ll admit, you were easy to hate. Your name was changed in my contacts list to plenty of expletives followed by the most recent, “The one who I ruined,” reminding me that in a moment of weakness, my attempt to reach out would clearly get me nowhere. It’s crazy to think that you were once my best friend, my whole world, filling the void in my day. And now, you’re a hazy memory of a time.

The day you said we were over It destroyed me. I was so confused, how can you look someone in the eyes and tell them you love them every day, and then tell them you don’t love them anymore? You never wanted to work us out. Were you only saying those words because you knew it was what I needed to hear to stay and you weren’t ready to be alone yet? Did you ever really love me? Or was it just that you enjoyed the companionship, the way I loved you? You knew how important close relationships were in my life. You knew my biggest trigger was losing people I love. You knew it could be dangerous for my mental health if you walked away, and you did it anyway. The part that is tearing me up inside the most is just that with knowing all of those things about me, you still never said a word. You never asked me if I was okay. You never gave me closure. One day I was the person you loved and the next day I was a complete stranger you’d already erased from your life. It’s taken every ounce of strength I have to pull through this. And I really wasn’t sure I would survive it this time because the truth is, I really never have felt a love like that with anyone else, and so when you walked away it really did feel like my world, and my life, was over.

I poured out my heart to you and told you things I have never shared with anyone before. I planned my entire future around you. I was so prepared to commit solely to you. When you left me it hurt. I cried for days, weeks even. I pretend to be over you to cope. It sucks. I want you to know that you broke my heart. I want you to know that you really destroyed me on the inside when you chose to just get up and leave.  I still find myself thinking about you and what I could have possibly done to keep you in my life. I was practically selling myself to these people to the best of my abilities. But it just never felt like I was enough. Instead of giving me reassurance and confidence, I just felt even more anxiety and insecurity. I was always so afraid of the people in your life. And I now realize that it was all because you never really fought for me yourself. You never really defended me. You never really did anything to defend me.

I want you to imagine this specific situation: picture a girl lying down on her bed at night; she’s desperately trying to keep her tears from falling because she doesn’t want to be that cliché weak girl who cries herself to sleep. She’s trying so desperately to think of something else; to take her mind off of the pain that she’s feeling in that moment.But when her mind refuses to just think of anything, she tries to accept these uncomfortable thoughts. She tries to rationalize everything that she’s just been through. She’s trying to make sense of her situation. She’s trying to gain closure so that she can move on from this breakup that has been like a living hell for her. Now, I want you to picture my face on that girl. That was me. I was on my bed – and that wasn’t just one night. That was a series of countless sleepless nights that I spent awake thinking about us; thinking about you.

I showered you with so many compliments; words that I had never uttered to anyone else in my life. I always made it a point to look my absolute best whenever I knew that I would be seeing you. I always told you that I felt lonely and sad whenever we weren’t together; that I missed you whenever you weren’t around. I did my absolute best to carve out room in my life for you; but it seemed like you were unwilling to do the same. It seemed like I had no more room in your heart. And that just broke me. You ignored so many of my text messages. You left so many phone calls unanswered. You were so hot and cold with me to the point that you were sending me so many mixed signals. I still tried my best to push forward. I still thought that I had a shot at getting you to be consistent with me. I knew it was a long shot. I knew that the chances were slim. But you were still a risk that I was willing to take. I was willing to put myself through the hell and the torment that you were putting me through just because I knew that if you ever answered my efforts, it would all be totally worth it.

And yet, even after every disappointment, I still put myself out there for you. Even after every rejection, I still wanted to do my best to make myself available to you. I somehow convinced myself to think that you were eventually going to budge if I just stayed persistent. I thought that you merely needed a little nudging. I thought that I was doing the right thing by staying relentless; by working as hard as I could to win your affections. I thought that persistence was really the key. All I wanted to do was be around you and spend time with you. All I wanted was for you to give me the kind of attention that I was so ready to give to you. I just couldn’t stop myself from wanting to win you over. I couldn’t stop myself from wanting to shower you with all of my adoration and praise. But then it also got to the point wherein I realized that I was getting tired of chasing an impossible dream.

It’s clear now that I always had the language to ask for the love that I needed. There never was a communication barrier between us. I simply did not have the power to approach you with any concerns. I’ve always been eager to please, even when it compromises my own needs. It’s certainly no accident that my timid nature always awarded you the upper hand.  My expectations were truly always that low. I never asked to be showered in diamonds. I didn’t demand love sonnets or legal commitments. My life was tumultuous and I only wished for one solid, unmoving piece. You were only a text away, but I would feel embarrassed if I dumped my anxieties into a message and you ignored it. I needed you to be solid ground, but I fell through the cracks any time I thought about reaching out for support. Still, I could never seem to find my footing to escape.

How was it so easy for you to periodically leave? Each time I seemed to sneak away I found myself sucked back in before I was even able to draw breath. Whenever I got comfortable without you, you would reach out with a friendly tone to maintain your connection to me. I thought it was innocent, and even mature of us to maintain a subtle friendship. But it was truly only your access to me. When things became uncomfortable I would crawl back into the safety of your arms. As cruel as it all seems, I have to believe that you didn’t intend to cause that much damage. I can accept that you understood I would be hurt.

You couldn’t have imagined the days that bled into weeks and months that I spent exhaustively examining and trying to diagnose the theoretical “us”. You didn’t mean to waste months of my life on purpose. I choose to believe that because I need you to have a redeemable quality so that I don’t feel so stupid for allowing you this much space in my mind. It was easy for you because you never were forced to face the consequences of your actions. You were able to walk away from the destruction you caused and forget about it. I, unfortunately, was not offered the same luxury. I talked about you to my ceiling fan, to my shower head, and to every single traffic light on my commute. But where did those conversations lead me? Nowhere.

I don’t regret you. Being with you taught me so many things such as what love truly feels like, how it is to open up to someone and how to be happy. At one point, I wanted you to hurt as much as you hurt me. But now, I wish nothing but the best for you. I hope you get to live a wonderful life. I miss you from time to time, but that’s okay. Overall, I hope you’re doing fine and deep down I will always still hold a little bit of love for you in my heart. And you can trust that I’m never going to forget you. It may have had a sour ending but that doesn’t mean that we didn’t have some pretty sweet memories in between. You actually allowed me to experience what it really means to be happy.

I just want to thank you for the times that you made me laugh even when I didn’t want to smile. Thank you for always making me feel supported. Every time I see you, there are questions lingering in the air, questions far too awkward and inappropriate even for me to ask. I wonder about what your life is like now. Do you love someone? Does someone love you? Has your new love made you question whether you loved me at all, whether you even knew what love was when you gave it to me? Then, there are questions about how we exist in our new space. When is it okay to speak to you? At concerts or when you graduate from high school? When I see you at a funeral, with your new girlfriend at your side? Should I touch your hand and say kind words? Or should I just wave and turn away? Everything has changed and I get that. We aren’t Instagram friends, we don’t even talk on the phone. Instead we text in short hand. l type ‘ty’ and you send back a ‘np’, like we’ve never handwritten a note or a Christmas card.

I don’t hate you anymore, most days. Just some days. And with time my disdain, heartbreak, and dismay dwindle. To say you will always hold a special place in my heart sounds so fucking stupid and cliche. But it’s the truth. My love was not perfect. And neither was I. But I loved you immensely, just know. I still love you. I think on some level I always will. I’m not sorry for the fucked up shit I did after our breakup. I do wish all the best for you going forward in your life. You’re a good guy. A hardworking, loving, exceptional one. And you really deserve everything good in this world. I wish that for you It’s so hard to imagine that when we first met I was so broken and lost. But somehow, when you looked at me with those eyes, I felt safe and at ease. I never thought I would connect and trust somebody so fast as I did with you. You coerced me out of my shell, out of my safe bubble and made me really take in the world for what it was.

As our relationship carried on, I felt okay being vulnerable with you and opening myself up and exposing my flaws to you. When I did, you told me that you would still love me no matter what. You always told me that it was okay and that everything would be alright. But little did I know that things would never truly be alright. Deep down I never really believed things would be fine. But I attempted to make the best of it. I’m sorry for all of the times that I expressed the problems, worries or stress I had going on in my life.

I’m sorry I didn’t live up to your expectations. There are so many things that have been left unsaid. The closure is overrated, and I genuinely believe that. I don’t have to get over you just so I can live my life. I’m perfectly fine with keeping you as a real piece of my heart even as I make my way through this world. I don’t have to let you go just so I can keep on going myself. I don’t think that I really have to have closure with you so that I can be happy again. I know that I can still find happiness even though I never got to say everything that I wanted to say with you. I know that our love was a waste. And while I also know that it just wasn’t meant to be, it still stings. It still hurts to know that neither of us could make things work. It hurts to know that despite our best intentions, we still couldn’t find a way out of that place of darkness that eventually consumed us.

And I guess that’s what love really is. We are all led to believe that it’s perpetual light and brightness. But it’s not. A lot of what makes up love is darkness. No one really has loved all figured out. It’s like having to walk through a maze with only a candle to light the way. Love wasn’t made for the faint of heart. It wasn’t meant for the weak. And I guess that’s why we didn’t last. We were weak. And while I’m not necessarily over our breakup, I’ve come to accept that love wasn’t for us. And that’s okay. If someone would’ve told me that I’d be writing an open letter to you as my ex-boyfriend, I swear on everything, I wouldn’t have believed them.

I felt good with you. I felt safe with you. I felt I was exactly where I was supposed to be — with you. I remember instinctively desiring to help you. To be of service to you. I wanted to give my all to you. To fall for you. To trust you fully and to be yours completely. Thank you for loving me. For the time you did. Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to love you. Thank you for maintaining your faith in me even when I didn’t have any faith in myself. I really want to thank you for everything good that you gave me. Thank you for allowing me to be free of the judgment and criticism of your friends and family. I was so desperately in love with you and I always wanted the people closest to your heart to like me. The truth persists that there are plenty of things that I have to say to you, and even though you’re probably not going to read this, it’s still worth a try.

Here are eight final confessions that I need to make: 1. As much as I hate it, I always find myself randomly thinking about you more often than I’d like. It’s not that I want to erase the memory of you from my mind completely. I wouldn’t want that. I wouldn’t want to let go of what we had completed. It’s just that I didn’t think I’d still be thinking of you as much as I do now.

2. I miss having you around me. I miss the way that I felt whenever I was with you. It’s you that I miss so much. It’s the way that I acted and felt whenever you were around. It’s the person I became whenever you were there. That’s what I miss most about your presence. You made me happy, and I miss that happiness.

3. It was never easy for me when we ended. It still isn’t easy for me now.
It was so hard for me to walk away from what we had. And while it’s gotten easier to bear, it’s still incredibly difficult.

4. I may not be happy with the result, but it’s what’s meant to be for us both. I really have to come to terms with the fact that sometimes that right thing to do isn’t necessarily going to be what makes me happy. And that’s okay. That’s life. Sometimes, the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.

5. There are plenty of reasons for me to hate you, but there is one big looming reason as to why I still love you. you’re you. And even though I hate so many parts of who you are, I still choose to be in love with you as a whole. Unfortunately, love alone is never enough to sustain a relationship. And we just had too many issues to deal with as a couple.

6. I will always do my best to make myself available to you just not in the way that I once was. I’ll still be there for you but only in a friendly capacity. I’ll be there for you in the sense that I can listen to you vent about your problems. But I can no longer hold you in my arms until all the hurt goes away. That’s no longer in my job description.

7. I wanted you to feel as hurt as I did when we walked away from what we had. There’s always something comforting about knowing someone else is experiencing the same kind of pain that you’re experiencing as well. It’s a “misery loves company” kind of situation. And that’s how I felt when we broke up. I hoped that it was just as painful for you as it was for me. It gave me comfort to think about how you were hurting too.

8. I hope that you’re happy now without me. But none of those ill-wishers are there anymore. I’m okay now. I’m trying to find happiness. I’m working my way back to a place of health. And I genuinely hope it’s the same for you.  It hurts to know I can’t go up to you and talk to you, but I like seeing you laugh and talk to your friends. Even though I greatly wish I was one of the ones making you laugh, I understand that I no longer have the right to feel that way.

This is my final goodbye, I will not bother you anymore. I will not call or text your phone desperately awaiting an explanation I will never receive. I know you’re still angry. I can see it in the way you twist up your mouth when you see me. Do you think you’ll forgive me soon, if ever? I’m sorry that we promised ‘forever’ to each other when we had no concept of what ‘forever’ meant. How can we blame each other for what we could never have possibly understood? We’re young, we’re clueless, we’re still growing. We did the best we could to make it last. Sometimes the best isn’t enough.

Every day is a new day to you , to your own life, to me it is not that different. I even have to breathe the same air as you and know that we are living so different lives. Is so hard to forget that we have come apart for so long and yet here I am one more time. You don’t know how many nights my hands write a letter for each time a memory comes to mind. For the first time in forever I am letting everyone know you made a great number on my heart. I have tried so many times to forget you, to make my heart understand what my mind keeps saying over and over.

I wrote almost 100 letters and even though they never saw the light of day, last month they vanished forever, burning all of them to hell. I felt so happy and stress free that you no longer had a hold on my mind, that the little flame that was still burning on the back of my mind would have burned out when I put the real fire on those ashes of letters, Guess I was amazingly stupid to believe that it was that easy. The problems is with my stupid heart that won’t believe my mind and keeps reminding me every night that you were and would be the best for us, he keeps making my mind playing those memories back to back on every dream, and it would had be great to see it with another man, yet he still keeps playing you all over again.

How can it be possible that after almost 6 months you feel the same even when I dream of you, Am I that mentally affected? I keep trying to tell myself, you were my first love, but you will not be my last. Yet i can’t find anyone who makes me feel half of the emotion you still cause to surge out of me. It isn’t as if i’m deliberately comparing everyone to you, there’s honestly no way to compare. No one compares to you. I’m becoming scared ill never feel that way about anybody else. I’ll always love you, I’ve come to terms with that, our friendship means so much to me, even though its a constant knife in my heart. How can i think of another man in terms of “us”, when i used that word to describe me and you so perfectly?

I wonder how you can look at me and not feel a pain in your heart the way i do. Do you really see us as friends? What do you tell people about me when they ask who i am?We are over, i have to accept that. We are friends, I have accepted that’s what you see us as, but I can’t handle it anymore. I have to cut the ties before they wrap around my neck. I can’t wait anymore for you, I’ve been waiting so long it feels like. But, now I need to gather my strength. You say we are friends but you act like I’m a stranger. I don’t want to lose you but maybe I have to do that for you or maybe for myself.

I am not writing you this message begging for you to come back to me, I just needed to get this off my chest because I can honestly say these last 5 days have been complete hell. I am not going to lie of course I miss you but if time is what you need to figure your life out and your next move so be it. Even though I would love to be on this crazy journey with you. Once again I do apologize if this is weird or whatever but I just needed to get this out.

Maybe now I will feel a little better? Who knows though. If you respond to this cool, if not well that is on you and I cannot change that. I just needed you to know how I feel and what is going on in my head. It’s been a few months and I’m slowly coming to terms with letting go. It’s been really hard, I was in denial about separating and many times I’ve wanted to give up but somewhere in me I agree with you, that maybe all this is for the best. We are different people and deep down we never thought we would get as far as we did.

No one thought we would either, they always asked me If ‘we were really together’ and I always wondered why it felt like everyone but me didn’t believe in us.. Maybe that was a red flag. Our short relationship was turbulent. Heart breaking at times and happy at times, so much so that for a few moments I allowed myself to believe you were my future. I believed our problems were the complexities of love and life , that we would face them and move forward. We didn’t though, we took it as a sign of our glaring incompatibility and we made a choice to throw in the towel.

Missing you comes in waves which subside then resurface, like most people here I suppose. I don’t doubt in our capacity to forge on with life, I have to. ‘Can’t cry over spilled water’ but now that a new phase begins for me and you all I always say to you is I wish you well. Our love was complicated, as love often is but It was real and you were special to me too. I’m sorry this was a lot, I just had to get a lot of my chest..

Call me or text me when you’re ready to talk to me, not about us just about how things are or i don’t know but Thank you Brenden for everything you have done for me this will be my last letter to you.. I said everything I had to say to you in this letter. I couldn’t be a woman and tell you all this in person. I would feel unheard and hell I still do feel unheard when i’m writing all this to you. Thank you for the time we had together. In the moment, I was able to give and receive affection, have good times, and laugh at the smallest. I can’t tell you how happy I am to have memories that I can look back on and smile about.

Our relationship isn’t something I regret, in fact, it taught me a lot about myself. The days we spent together were some of the happiest and best days of my life. I hope you know that. Thank you for the unforgettable experience of my hand being held in yours. Thank you for rubbing my back when it was bothering me. Thank you for taking care of me when I didn’t take care of myself.  You were also the only person who was able to keep me calm going into my first year of high school. From the second I met you, I could tell that there was something about you that had me hooked, simply by the look in your eyes. I connected with you so easily and quickly that I have never connected with someone like that before. That spoke mountains to me, for me to be able to open up to you and talk to you the way I did.

You were the first boy I have ever met that made me feel beautiful in my own skin. You complimented me everyday, even if I looked like I rolled out of bed. You never let me go a day without knowing just how much you cared and that brings me to tears to this day. Tears because it makes me so happy to remember you doing that. You taught me how to feel beautiful and confident. You never made me feel ashamed for anything in my life, and you supported me through every choice I made. You proudly introduced me to your family and friends as your girlfriend. You never tried to hide me from anyone you met. You made me a priority in your life, and for the first time I was put first. Your family welcomed me from the second they met me and that warms my heart because to me they could see that I was someone important in your life. I invested my emotions, my thoughts, and my time in you. I only hope that that has brought you happiness. I hope that when you look back at us, that you smile and are grateful for the time spent. I hope that I made you as happy as you made me in the short time we were together.

I wish you nothing but years of happiness and laughter. And I wish that you accomplish all of the dreams you set for yourself. I hope you miss what we had just as much as I do; because for the first time in a very long time it was the only real thing I had to hold on to. You gave me more than you’ll ever realize and for that I am forever grateful. Thank you for everything. For treating me like I mattered, putting me first, caring about me, wiping my tears, making me smile, and holding my hand through thick and thin. I am forever thankful for the relationship we had. No one has made the impact you did in the short amount of time together. You are truly one of a kind and I hope you realize that you deserve nothing but the best in this life.  

When I was feeling down, it was your smile that brightened up my day. When I felt like things were hopeless, it was your words of encouragement that changed my mind. It is because of you that I still believe in love. Thank you for being there for me.

First off, I want to say that I regret telling you I didn’t love you anymore. Truth is, I’ve always loved you and I don’t think I could ever stop. I just didn’t love myself enough to make things work out. I’m sorry for everything I ever put you through. You were a strong man and I had a very weak character. You were right about everything. If you called me right now I’d drop everything and fly to you.  I’d break all my own rules for you.  I’d forget the last month apart and hold your hand and never let go. Until then I’ll sit and hope for a phone call, a text, an email, a tweet… even your random Facebook likes have me holding on.  I just want to know you’re happy, even if that’s not with me.  I guess that’s how I know I really love you.

Thanks for showing me what real love is.  If I never find it again I’ll always have ours.  If you feel the same way I guess it wasn’t for nothing. Sometimes I wish we never met. Not because you’re a bad person but rather the opposite. You’re genuinely an amazing person which is why this was so hard. Not gonna lie, I still think about you. Not as often as I used to, but it happens. I’m trying to move on. It doesn’t happen overnight, but it’s happening. This might be what I need to finally let you go. I wish you loved me the same as you love everyone else. You’re one of the kindest people I know, with so much love to give. I wish you fought for me a little more and was scared to lose me a little bit. You walked away like us never even happened.


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