Dear Misery,

I know you’re tired of reading messages from me going on and on and on about the amount of pain you caused me. Trust me, I’m tired of talking about it too and I’m more than tired of feeling every ounce of it because it consumes me every day. I know it doesn’t fix anything when I message you about it nonstop, but I can’t help myself but get it out because if I keep it in, it’s going to ruin me more than it already has. I am so hurt. I’m tired of having to cry day and night until my eyes could barely open. I could barely get out of bed and function as I normally would. I would spend countless hours just thinking about everything you said to me; the last conversation we had and what you said kept lingering inside my head.

When you told me that you don’t want me and that you don’t have feelings for me as if the months we spent together, being each other’s person, the plans and memories we made, and all the vulnerabilities that we shared with each other meant absolutely nothing to you and like all of it was a lie. It lives in my head rent-free and the worst thing is that I can’t do anything about it even if the hurt is unbearable sometimes; I have no choice but to exist with it. Not only does it hurt to read that after waking up from a night of crying, but I also have to stomach you saying that your feelings for your ex were coming back. How could you come back to the person who never saw your value when you were together? You had to break up before she even realized what she lost.

You told me back then that she rarely even spared time for you or just to hang out. I loved you with everything I had in me. I gave you all my time, energy, undivided attention, support, love, and affection, when you wanted to go somewhere and experience something new, I would go for it and not even hesitate because I loved spending time with you and sharing new experiences with you and just because of a stupid mistake, you end up treating me like shit like I don’t mean anything to you and throw months we spent together in the trash. I wish I could just ignore the pain. I wish I could turn back time and stop myself from ever interacting with you now that I know that things were going to be like this. But I can’t.

I can’t believe you could just drop people for a simple mistake. I know my shortcomings during that time and I will always regret it. But how could you just leave people like that? How could you give up on me so easily? I can’t understand why and how you could leave me for something that simple. I know you were stressed with the capstone project during that time, and I am forever regretting that I have added to your struggles that time when I was losing interest in our course but was that enough reason for you to abandon me like this? I know we aren’t exclusive, but I know for damn sure that I loved you and what I felt towards you were genuine. I hoped that maybe we could be something more. These days I question that I even mattered to you even just the slightest bit.

It hurts me to think that I’m spending the afternoon crying and balling my eyes out grieving for how things were while you hang out with your ex and her fake ass friends, completely unaffected by the thought of losing me. I know I wasn’t perfect, and never will and neither could you, but it would never even cross my mind to abandon you and drop you from my life like what you’re doing to me. You are that important to me and you’re a solid part of my life that pains me to let go of. So did I ever matter to you?

I can’t even go to the places that we went to without feeling the need to cry and remember you. When I step into the places we used to hang out, it would immediately ruin my day just remembering how good it felt to be there with you and knowing that it will never happen again at least not as how things used to. I would recall all the time we’d spent together just enjoying each other’s company like everything around us didn’t matter and the memories that once felt good, now just leaves me feeling alone.

I don’t know how long it would take me to heal from this, but knowing that it hurts me this much to let go of you only shows how much you meant to me. I miss you. I miss how you used to care about me. I miss having to hold your hand and being with you. I miss how we used to be and I wish it could still be that way but I know it won’t anymore.

– Lilith