To JB,
I threw away that notebook that you gave me. I got in trouble with the way I did it, but I no longer feel that way about you anymore. I don’t wish to see you when I die. I don’t wish that dream with you. You never gave me a full apology, and I could never express to you how much you have hurt me. 

You told me if I wasn’t born in the British ruled part of my country, then you wouldn’t have dated me. You said that my country was bad because the US doesn’t have good relations with it. These words hurt me so much because my heritage was hated on, and this was something I couldn’t control. You called my parents losers, my brother a loser, and my best friend a loser. 

You killed me slowly with your hate and rather racist remarks. I couldn’t stand them, I cried when you told me that I was “the right type of Asian.” You told me that you were going to try sushi and when we got to the restuarant, you never tried one bite. You told me if I didn’t believe in Christianity, then you couldn’t love me. You told me that you liked seeing me do housework and dress homely because you wanted a housewife. It hurt. It hurt so bad that I didn’t even understand why I was sad and depressed. 

I wanted to be a virgin until I married. I wanted to stay pure in my morals. I was stupid when you promised me 10 years of my life for sex, when we didn’t even last 9 months. I feel dirty, and I don’t know how I can ever think of myself differently. 

You broke up in front of my house. You texted me stating that you wanted to meet up and that you wanted to hang out. I already knew that this relationship was failing, and I asked you if we were breaking up. You lied, then decided to come to my house to break up with me right in front of my neighbors. I was in shock because I even begged you to take this somewhere else. You didn’t. I never felt so small in my life.

I think the worse experience I had with you was the fact that I had to watch you stop loving me right in front of my eyes. I had to see you stop hugging me, stop kissing me, stop talking to me. As I became more depressed with your actions and words, you told me that you could only love me, not deal with my personal issues. Yet you couldn’t even do that. The more I cried, the more indifferent you were and the more you seem to dislike me. 

You started hanging out with a new girl the day we broke up. You dated her two weeks later. You only apologized to me after you broke up with her. The reason you broke up with her was because she found out that you were not a virgin. Your reget wasn’t with your actions but with the fact you had to break up with her. It was a sorry excuse of an apology and you say that you pray with all your power that I can be healed again. This apology was all over text. I even asked if you would do it over a call, and you said no. I gave you more chances than you deserve. I told you that I have forgiven you, and I wish I truly have. 

I wish I could wish for your happiness. I wish that I move past this and hope that you live a good life. I wish so badly for this, but what you did still affects me. I am in a new relationship now. I realized that I don’t have the same care about my body as I used to. I already feel tainted. This person is so sweet, so caring, so loving, but my heart holds back. I never promised this man forever like we did. I don’t believe that forever can even be a thing anymore.

I can’t trust this man fully. I worry that I have to watch him fall out of love with me. We are going to seprate colleges, so I have to do long distant. I’m scared to love again. I tell myself over and over to not fall in love with this man. You said I deserve better, and I’ve found better. However, I am scared of this relationship. I am scared of it being ruined and scared of putting so much love in someone that I experience the heartbreak I had. I want to love him. I want to believe in forever that he has promised me. You broke that. You said forever to me, and look were we are. You feel out of love with me so uexpectantly, and now I cannot trust others to not do the same. 

I want to wish that you are happy, but you have destroyed my innocent view of others. The distrust I feel toward any person close to me is heartbreaking. I just want to be normal. I just wished I never met you nor loved you. You probably will never feel bad for your actions because I’ve cushioned you from feeling that. That is the last favor I will do for you. Just know that I cannot wish for you to be happy as that would be a lie. I just hope you can treat people better than you treated me. I want to heal but it might take time, years even, or maybe I can never fix the disgust I feel for myself. I hope we never have to cross paths again as seeing you makes me shake uncontrollably. The trama you gave me makes me sad, and I am just broken. 

From the bottom of my heart,
Ni