Some days I think about all the ways you did my wrong. The constant lying, the hurt, the games, the pain. I think about how young and naive I was. How stupid I was. And I am filled with rage and anger. I want to erase any memory of you. I want it all to be a bad dream. Some days, I want you to die. Or at least your memory.

But lately, I’ve found myself feeling differently. I want to hold you again, hug you one last time. Feel you in my arms again. I want us to do all the things we used to do. All the things I took for granted. I want us to sit in front of the tv with a bowl of cereal and laugh at crappy reality tv. I want us to walk the dog and end up walking too far because we were so deep in conversation. I want you hold me at night and tell me that you love me. One last time. I promise I won’t take it for granted. 

These last two months haven’t been easy. Not a day has gone by where I don’t wonder what you’re doing. How your dad is. How our dog is. It feels so wrong to know you as a stranger. It feels so wrong for us to be in the same city finally, but never see one another. We are physically closer at last but emotionally, I have never been this far from you. I miss you. I crave you like a drug. 

You were my everything. You were my religion. I was blindly devoted to our love. But I had to move forward with you. I outgrew us. I outgrew you. You wanted to stay in your comfort zone. I had to follow my love for life. I had to follow my ambitions. I ended up going to the law school you never wanted me to go to. I ended up killing my first year and getting great grades. I know it doesn’t mean much. I know it doesn’t make the pain of us go away. I know you probably hate me for it. But I want nothing but the best for you. I want you to grow. I want you to love. I want you to make friends with your demons. But most of all.. I want you to know how deeply I loved you. I still love you. I hope we meet in another life. I have a feeling we will.

Love,
Your partner in crime.