I’m sorry for what I did

I’m sorry for what I did

I’m sorry for what I did

Hey Jacob, i hope you’re doing well! you’re probably wondering why i am sending you such a long message out of the blue.
i’ve been writing this for a long time now, it’s been sitting and waiting for you to read. ever since we broke up, this message has been waiting. i never found a great time to do so but i found my reason.

i think all the time, about how i can be a better person, imagining myself doing things differently. the correct way. how i could’ve been smarter, kinder and braver but i didn’t do any of those things. deep down i understand that what happened is in the past, i don’t have the power to remove the damage i caused. i am sorry for hurting you, lying to you, breaking you and so much more.

day after day i sit and ponder about everything and it just hurts. there’s not a day that goes by that i don’t think about you, not a single one. i would hope by now you don’t relate to this, i want you to move on. you deserve that.

i don’t want you to think this is ploy for us to be together, not at all what this is. i just don’t think i can handle knowing i never sent you this message. i know i’ve apologized again and again, how you’ve forgiven me again and again but it doesn’t feel like enough. a part of me wants to believe you forgive me but another part thinks your lying, telling me what i want to hear to move on. whether you forgive me or not is not in my hands but yours. 

today i went into a private server in zo and just walked around. yea yea corny but it was still sad, i hate that damn game. 
i don’t play osu anymore, it just makes me sad. i don’t listen to that one song you were crazy at on osu. i hate vocaloid sometimes. blah blah blah, i feel like i’m going on and on in circles. i’m not really sure where i’m going with all of this but i’m just trying to put everything i want to say and feel into this. 

i’m moving on, i still am. i think i’m mostly filled with regret and guilt, i’m not sitting and wishing i could be with you, instead wishing i didn’t hurt you. that’s my issue, i’ve told you. i hope you do remember. i tried and tried to tell myself that everything’s okay but that’s life right? 

there is one thing i don’t understand, is your kindness towards me. you’ve said on multiple occasions how i could reach out if i needed anything and that you’d still be here for me. why? your different and i thank you for your kindness towards me. i really do appreciate you, even when you were hurting…because of me.
you have taught me so much and i can’t thank you enough. our time together has made me grow in someways and i hope you feel the same way. even though we aren’t together, i don’t regret meeting you nor being with you. 

i’m going to try and wrap this up, i don’t want this to be a headache to read. i was lurking how i usually do and noticed your in a relationship! i’m happy for you and wish you nothing but happiness. i felt like now was the best time, you know? sending this a year or more after felt wrong. who knows, maybe you’ll be in a long term relationship when i sent this but no, now is the right time. 

you might not care about everything i wrote and you might not even read it. maybe you’ll laugh at me and think i’m pitiful. i don’t blame you, i don’t expect you to give the tiniest shit about me. i just want this message to at least be sent to you. i don’t expect a response either, do what you please with this. 
i am a dark shadow hovering over you, holding you back and preventing you from being happy. i hope this gives you the closure i never gave you. 
this is my goodbye, thank you for everything. 

don’t forget about me :,)


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