Goodbye, for now

Goodbye, for now

Goodbye, for now

I am not going to lie to you, i thought that writing this was going to be a lot easier than it has been. I think i’ve rewritten this about 3 times now, and probably counting to be honest with you. I think the reason i’m finding it so hard to write is because i know this is my last goodbye to you, not in any other way than simply we will go back to people who just work together at least for the time being that is. Writing this is going against what everyone has told me to do and slightly against my better judgement but i need this. Im doing this for me and not anyone else this time. I need this for closure so i can work with you in a way of me not panicking and not even being able to look at you because thats what freaked me out on Wednesday. I hope it helps you as well but if it doesn’t it’s not on me i’m doing whats best for me for once Tom, i hope it does help because i’ve been told that the reason you called in sick on Tuesday is because of me and i hope its not true but i don’t know anymore if it is i’m sorry. I thought i wouldn’t have anything left to say to you, i mean thats what i’ve said to everyone really until Wednesday. You came in and i didn’t take it well, i’m not saying any of this to make you feel bad but to help you understand why i’m writing this. 

The last 8 months have been a rollercoaster of emotions for the both of us i’m sure. I had once hoped that we would continue to be in each others lives but i know now i know that at least for the time being, maybe in the long run that this is what is best for the both of us. And that this is what we need to grow as separate people. I wouldn’t have mentioned blocking you to anyone and saying that maybe it was for the best if i didn’t believe it in one way or another i guess i just never wanted to admit it to myself that this is what we needed. I am so sorry for the hurt i’ve caused you, i never meant to hurt you in anyway that was never truely my intention. I told you a little while back that i wished you had met me now rather than when you did but i don’t think that is the case anymore. I say this because i though i was genuinely doing better in myself but i think the last couple of months have proved that i’m not, and again i’m not saying this to make you feel guilty because it isn’t truly your fault, but i am going to get better and i’m going to work on myself and i know its going to take time and a hell of a lot of effort but i’m going to do it for myself. I thought that maybe if i changed some of the things i liked about myself as well as some of the things i didn’t then it would stop us from hurting each other but i know it didn’t in the end and that was my fault. Now this isn’t me saying i changed myself for you or for a chance of us working but it was meant to be a bonus of maybe we could work as friends if i changed but i 100% went about it in the wrong way and i know that now. I wish i hadn’t but i did and i cannot take that back.I think in some way deep down i was trying to push you away, because it made it easier for me to move on if you wasn’t in my life but i hurt you and myself in the process of trying to protect myself which is something i deeply regret but i cannot take it back. I can only apologise.

You where the first person i truely loved in a romantic way, yes in the past i’ve had people i’ve dated same as you but you where the first person i loved unconditionally. Not because i felt obliged to but because it was easy, natural and i truly couldn’t see myself loving anyone else. I loved you because loving you was what i wanted to to, and so i did just that i loved you despite of everything. I loved you even when it hurt me because somewhere down the road you stopped loving me and i don’t know whether it was back in may or somewhere along the last 6 months but either way you did but i continued to love you. I just wanted you to be happy and i failed in that, i hurt you more times than i can count and i wish i’d realised sooner that what we have done know was for the best but i didn’t. I think in someways we were never meant to work out or at least not during the time we were together or even now and thats okay sometimes people aren’t meant to be together for no logical reason and they are just there to teach us a lesson on ourselves. And i think thats what we was meant to be to each other because as much as you have hurt me you’ve also in some ways helped me grow and for that i am grateful. And maybe in the future we can both grow enough separately to become friends again but i’m not holding onto that hope anymore because thats just going to cause me more pain and i finally need to let go of it all and you, because that is whats going to be best for us. 

I wish i could tell you i fully regretted everything from the last 6 months but if i did that i would be lying to you. I regret the hurt i’ve caused you of course i do but i don’t regret the memories and the lessons this whole situation has taught me. You genuinely made me happy at one point and i don’t know when it changed but somewhere it did and you started hurting me more than you made me happy. I know we wont talk anymore unless its due to work most likely but thats okay. Somehow the memories we made will never fade, i cant tell you i didn’t wish they would because i do but they will always be there as a remind that i cannot let myself or someone else go through any of this again. I wanted so badly for us being friends to work but i don’t think it ever would have done unless we had both healed completely from everything and that was never going to happen unless we cut contact. I wanted you to be in my life in one way or another because i thought it meant i would never truely lose the good qualities you helped me realise i had about myself and it meant that you would be there to still help me. But i see it now as much as we both tried to help each other we caused the pain we was trying to stop. We cannot be there for each other to help and help ourselves heal from each other. So for now and maybe forever this is goodbye, as much as it hurts it wont eventually and ill be able to look on the good memories with a smile. 

Goodbye, tom. You will always have a spot in my heart that will not go away but this is goodbye. We will go back to people who just work together, and thats okay. I hope you get everything you want and deserve because you only deserve the best, so look after yourself. And put yourself first. You know where to find me if you ever need me, i will forever only be a phone call away.


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