I am content

I am content

I am content

The day after your birthday, two days before our anniversary…I found out you were marrying her. The photo of her selfie with you beside her smiling on a hill in the Scottish landscape accompanied by the date and venue of your beginning. People never tell you how raw and painful that moment is. No one really prepares you for it. 

“He doesn’t look happy, it will be arranged” my Mum said. She didn’t know that smile of yours. That smile was genuine. Her smile was shy. I suppose that’s what you needed – a shy girl. A girl that will play the role for your family and abide by the rules of your ‘faith’ yet play the double life. You and I always knew that was never going to be me. Yet, I still pray for you to come away from all of that. I know things now that I knew I knew you wouldn’t let me learn. Well I did and I’m glad God protected me from it all. My heart still breaks because I know you chose that life. I suppose committing to her was also the lock on the door of possibility. Then again, you got married in Abu Dhabi. You and I both know that’s not you. That’s the role you play. 

Sometimes I think I taught you what real love was, well, I hope I did. The unconditional love of loving people with no regrets nor no obligations. I asked your Mum how I could pray for her last August and she was shocked. Why would I pray for your family? Cause I care. I still hold love for them. Yet, now that I look back, you never loved me. Well, a bit but not as much as love should be experienced. You were scared. 

You think A,B,C and I think 1,2,3. You see in black and white. I see in colour. You are logical. I am emotional. And I guess that was the blessing in the ending. It seems she sees in black and white – an engineer like you. In a way I feel sorry for you both, playing the role of the ‘good’, having fear of constantly striving for achievement and success. Yet I suppose it’s a good fit. She’ll understand and accept your rich family, she’ll play that role whilst I’ll act in humility, putting God first. 

I guess in a roundabout way, I’m past the bitterness, the hating you, the sadness of it all. I now accept that you’ve chosen someone more fitting to your life that was never going to be me. In the midst of it all though, there is a little piece of me that wants when I end up with someone that treats me so much better than you ever did, that somehow you know this, see this and experience the hurt that I had to experience. I promised myself I would never go through that pain and hurt ever again in a relationship and if that means I have to be single for a long time – let it be so. 

And yes, I did find my happiness. It was without you and I’m content.


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