Realizing things always comes late :/

I just wish you weren’t the guy who bring the lesson to my life to be learned!
I hope it was somebody else.
I hope you were the last.
I hope you were the guy who came to me after I’ve learned my lesson and after realizing about everything.
Ah..😭😭
I could have loved you more.
I could have been more communicative.
I could have been more passionate .
I could have been more open.
I could have tell you every good things that you have done to me that I always secretly wrote to my notes.
I could have told you everything what I really felt about you.
I could have stop doing all the ignorings and blockings anywhere of our contacts.
Although i’m all aware of the bad things I have done, I’m doing it carelessly. I don’t know if that sounds an excuse but still, perhaps
I could have not hurt you or cause you too much pain, if I were mature enough to handles things between us.
If only I was mature enough to understand our situation, if only I was more open-minded.
if you come to my life and meant to be my last, I wonder if I could have done much better than the past things that happened between us.
But yeah, whatever it is i’m really glad I get to experience and to love a guy like you, to be cared by a guy like you.
I still do consider myself as a very lucky girl who have met a wonderful guy like you.

Always and forever will be sorry for pushing you away too much :/