I am sorry we have not been on the same page lately. It breaks my heart we have gotten to this spot after 12 years. I admit I too was at fault for our marriage ending which is why I started to go through therapy.  I hope you know everything you did for us I did appreciate but I did lose that appreciation when every time you came home there was no appreciation for what I was doing. Working 2 jobs and trying to be a stay at home mom with unmanageable expectations. I never felt like I was enough for you, no matter what I did or how hard I tried there was always something to criticize.

I realize now the damage started early, from threatening to leave me at the beginning of our union because I couldn’t clean to your starts to defending other women. I should have notice those red flags from the beginning because it was a constant pattern in the 12 years of life together. The last few years I was exhausted and felt alone. I have always felt like a second priority to you and I did lose being in love with you but I still always loved you.

I wish you could have loved me the way you loved everyone else.  It hurt me that you treated me better after we separated. Where was that during our marriage? I wish you wanted to date me, I wish you prioritized me like you did everyone else. I wish you were scared to lose me, lose this life and everything we did together. I wish I saw you fight more for me. Quitting your job wasn’t for me it was to try and save us because you cheated every-time you worked away. How can I appreciate that when you had to quit for a reason because you couldn’t be faithful away but I was faithful and hopeful until the end.

I know now that I was never going to be enough for you and I don’t think anyone will be until you learn to love yourself the way I loved you. I idolized you for years and thought you were most amazing person I had ever met. You were my first boyfriend, fiancé and husband. I’m sorry I chose to leave and end our marriage but I knew I had to. I was emotionally lost, I lost who I was with you, I changed and isolated myself to try and be everything for you and in the end I lost the drive for it all. I lost the drive to keep trying to love you, I lost the drive to fix our marriage, I lost the drive to be chose you but instead I found the drive to choose and love myself.

I needed to go down this road to find myself as I checked out of all the feelings I had for our life. There was no way to keep going at the rate we were because no matter what I said there wouldn’t be change. Even through couples counselling you changed like a chameleon and I could never figure out why it was so easy for you. But I do know why it’s because it wasn’t real, it was all fake, you took a learning opportunity and turned it into a manipulation tool. It wasn’t the real you it wasn’t honest. If it was honest you would push for me to open up and take down my walls. You wouldn’t have cheated after because you knew how broken and scared I was.

You didn’t try to help me be better or support me you only ever looked out for yourself. I’m sorry that counselling didn’t work for me I know you felt like I didn’t try and I didn’t, it wasn’t the right kind of therapy for me. I needed a trauma informed therapy and not therapy out of a book. I needed therapy to dig deep down to find me. I built walls to protect what was left within me, overtime those grew thicker and hard to break down. I do wish we found a counsellor the worked for us but by that point I think we were both done. 

I know now that I did love you and I am grateful that I know my feelings were honest and true. I have feelings I haven’t experienced in a long time and I am no longer afraid or angry. I wish that I was the one worth fighting for no matter how far off the deep end I went. Or how far I tried to push you away and end it. I wish you would have followed and fought with me and for me. I wish you would have worked on yourself while I worked on myself and did this with me. On my mission to find myself to be a better mother I pushed you away to see how much you wanted to fight for this family and for me. 

Instead you chose to run to other women a day after I said I was done for “support” you always chose to run to other women for “support” every time something went wrong or hard you chose someone else and never chose me. You found someone else to move on with in a matter of months. When I look back on our life I wonder if you ever truly loved me or did you use me as a mask for the vision of the life you wanted to create.

The white picket fence, big house, a stay at home wife who greeted you at the door every time you came home. I tried to be that housewife for you but you couldn’t be the man I deserved you chose not to be the man I needed and deserved. I needed to be valued, treasured, prioritized, romanticized and loved. I deserved more. I deserved more life from you, I deserved respect. I wonder if you knew that if you would have done that I would do that to you in return. Over 5 years and maybe more before when I didn’t noticed you always turned to other women, looked at other women, looked back on your past with other women, held onto mementos of other women, and found new women. The woman you didn’t see was the one right in-front of you trying to make you happy but no matter what I did or try or how long I waited at home for you, you were always looking in another direction. 

My heart still breaks for you because you really did not love me or this life we created.  It breaks my heart that you could move on so fast and start a life with someone else so easily. Maybe one day I will understand once I move on and find the right person who values me. But for now my heart breaks for me, us and our boys. My heartbreaks because we were not enough for you, 3 people who love you dearly was not enough for you. 

Just know I don’t and won’t ever wish you ill will but I do wish that you thought before you acted and I wish you actually had the respect for me that you say you do. The deception, lying, and toxic behaviour that you and your new girlfriend brought into our lives is too much and unacceptable. One day I hope you look back at the trust you broke, the hearts you broke and realized you should have done this better if this is what you truly wanted.

I hope this person is the one you have been looking for. I hope you found the love you were looking for that you couldn’t see right in front of you. I hope you found a family who accepts you with opens arms and loves you the way we did that you couldn’t see in-front of you. Sometime we don’t realize what we have in front of eyes as we come complacent and become blinded by anger or other desires.

I may not understand what you are thinking then or now but I do wish you the best even though it’s no longer with me. Once day we will find each other as friends again but for now we need to be strangers and distant. I hope you find yourself through therapy and I hope that you find what you have been looking for and please when you do think of suicide think of the life you can have after you do the hard work in therapy. Though I may think life might be easier if you were gone but I could never picture my life without you in our lives. Unfortunately, I will always love you. But now I need to love myself and my boys because I know that I am enough and they are enough.