*I got your email on our school’s website, i just typed your last name and clicked “name check” and your email address came up. I did that to send emails to my friends too, so don’t think that I’m a creep.* I don’t know if you would see this. But right now, at this moment, you probably think that I’m just being ridiculous and crazy. You said you’re young, So am I. But the difference between us is you won the game for not being serious. I know relationship isn’t only a game, so i took it serious. But I never thought this relationship would mess up everything in my life right now. Before I met you, I was happy being myself; I was strong. But now, my fragile strength is gone. U hold me without touch, and keep me without chains, but I’d still go back to u, no matter how hard I’ve tried to move on. I’m really frustrated, because i was too confident about myself. I thought I could move on easily, I thought I could forget everything about you, but I failed. I think of you wherever I go, I think of us when we were together, I think of everything related to u. I knew I couldn’t stuck on you anymore, I should try to move on. So I started focusing on my studies, working hard, and hanging out with my friends more often. But as soon as I got home, I felt empty. I felt like I was losing a part of my life. I couldn’t accept it, I didn’t want to embrace the change. I turned on the music, I cried out loud, and fall asleep. I told myself to focus more on myself. I did, but it won’t last long. The depression hits me hard, and I started binge eating whenever I feel upset. I binge, and starve myself. It’s like a cycle. I’m still doing that, and trying my best to control myself. I’ve been going out with different guys online, even though it’s too dangerous for me to hang out with strangers, but i just don’t care… about myself anymore. I just feel so bad about everything in my life, including myself, and I want to get over it. So i went out with different guys, and using them to forget you. My friends, my family, said I’ve changed. They said “you are not you anymore.” I know, I’m gradually losing myself because of u. I’ve been stalking you on Instagram, I’ve got jealous of girls who u have followed, I’ve got jealous if u liked other girl’s photos. I just couldn’t help it. Sometimes I wonder, what makes me so attached to you? I couldn’t find a reason, I still can’t. I used to think that if you really want to get something, don’t ever give up, and fight for it. I thought I could make you love me, I thought I could at least make u care about me, even a little bit, but I lose my hope right after knowing that the break up didn’t even affect u like how it did to me. I did something that I’ve never done in my life before, and I still can’t believe I did something like that. At that moment, I felt like killing myself, I felt like running away from here, because I finally realized that I lose myself in attempt to hold on to you. I’d do whatever I could to not let u go. It’s not because I’m selfish, I want you to be happy, but I just don’t feel like letting go, as you are my weakness. I’m regretted, I still can’t get over myself for what I’ve done. I’m really sorry. I know I don’t have the right to ask more from u. I wish u the best in your life, I’ll always care about you…like I used to. “You’re the bomb”, “Drive safe”, “No texting while driving”,…. I don’t have a chance to say it to u anymore, remember to take care of yourself 🙂 Yes, I loved, and still love u…You’ll always be in my heart. You might not understand why i’d have such strong feeling towards someone, but I bet you’ll know it one day.