its been a while since I’ve wrote to you. I’ve been so busy lately I haven’t really had time to think about us..
Its days like these when I miss you. The days when my head hurts so bad, all I want to do is to let you hold me and play with my hair until I can bear the pain in my head.. You were there with me through a lot, and even though I’d like to say you never gave up on me, you did.
When you found someone new, you gave up on me. I don’t hate you for that. I don’t blame myself for it either. I took so long trying to figure out what I did or what I didn’t do for you. I spent so long blaming myself for you choosing others over me. I started to blame you for what happened. I took forever trying to hate you with every bone in my body but the truth is, you can’t hate someone that you once loved.. I’m done blaming you and I’m done blaming myself..
We weren’t meant to be with each other obviously. We weren’t meant to be each others forever like we said we were. I was never really mad at you for that though. I was mad at myself and life for doing this to us.. It took me the longest time to realize that some people just don;t end up together and I can’t change that..
I’m so sorry I was so bitter to you for so long. You didn’t deserve that, you’re human and we all make choices for ourselves. I should’ve understand because I hope one day, if it ever happens, when I decide I’m just not right for someone I hope they understand. I hope they don’t speak bitterly of me for doing what I thought was right.
You made me question my life many many nights. I was up at 3am contemplating whether living was actually worth it. I’m so embarrassed that I almost let someone decide how much I was worth. The pain I went through is something I never want anyone to go through but it happens and its life.
We fall in love we get broken and at the end we question ourselves. I guess thats just how we do things. You were my best friend for a long time. We would talk every morning at 7:23 and every night around 8:15…. Crazy how I remember, huh? You were such a part of me that when you left I wasn’t sure I knew how to love someone or how to love myself. You took a lot of me with you when you went but I dont regret the time we had together. In fact I’m thankful for the time we had, I now know how to love someone like you.
It didn’t end how I would’ve liked it to and I went through dark time I never want to go through again. But in the end I was stronger because of it. I learned how to actually love myself. I learned how to be happy on my own. The things I should’ve known from the start I had to learn. I had to learn how to love someone and trust someone again. I had to become my own support and my own happiness and it took me so so so so long but I wouldn’t change it for anything. I wouldn’t change us or me or you for anything.
We are who we are, and in the end we will find someone to love forever.
I’m done holding onto the bitterness.
I love you, and wish the very very best for you. Go get your nursing degree and fall in love with someone you can never imagine losing.