I often catch myself doing this. I am not sure why or what the reason is. If it’s because of the huge hole of closure I never got or if it is even closure that I seek. I fall into patterns…I go through months without making the thought of you a big deal. I often think of you, but through the easier days its well….easy. And then I see something or hear something that reminds me of a moment. Or a picture. Or a memory. Why out of all of the moments and memories in my life do I often refer back to these particular? Why do I compare everything to you? I used to believe it was because I knew I loved you. I always have since the first day I ever laid eyes on you. Now when I fall into these hard days I watch the youtube videos and I stare at the very few pictures of you that I have and try to put myself back into the moments I shared with you. The tattoos. The hours of singing with you. The looks we exchanged and knew what we were thinking. The butterflies I always got just being in your presence. How much I truly care for you.
And then I think about all of the words we have exchanged in anger. How angry I was at you for letting go so easily to the one thing I treasured the most in my life. How much I cried knowing that I wasn’t what you wanted. I had never felt pain like that before and I couldn’t cope with the idea of not being able to ever see you again. Then the words I said to you once we did see each other again. How many times I pushed you away because I didn’t want to hurt you. But little did you know that in my heart more than anything I’ve ever wanted on this Earth I have always just wanted you. Everything always comes back to you in my life. I don’t understand why. I always hope that in the instances that I’m thinking so hardly about you, you somehow are doing the same. Constantly being rejected by you is something I hate more than anything, but what I deserve I suppose. I am where I am because of the decisions that I made after you left me. My life continues to spiral out of control and I started making decisions based on the attention I got because the attention I wanted…I wasn’t getting. And then. When I finally got the opportunity to have you in my arms again, I didn’t close them shut and never let you go. I instead kept them open and was scared to hold on too tight in fear that you would leave me again. You have to know that’s all that was. That’s all it ever was when I would get scared and push you away. Scared that if I let myself love you the way I always have, you would leave me there alone again. And I never want to feel like that again. So I don’t know what hurts worse at this point. Not having you in my life or the fear of you leaving me. The pain is constant and knowing that you want nothing to do with me kills me. I know I am a good person, somewhere behind the walls and the fear. I know I could love you more than anyone else could and be there for you when no one else would be. But it’s beginning to fade. Because every time I build up enough courage, going back and forth for days just to say hello, you quickly remind me of my place. That I have no place. So I need to accept it, right? I need to tell myself that you aren’t holding onto the same things. That I am no longer a thought that subsides in your self conscious. In my own selfishness I don’t think I can ever stop trying to reconnect because I haven’t heard it from you yet. I haven’t heard you say it. I haven’t heard you say that you never want to speak to me again. And maybe that’s what I need to stop. This weird feeling of holding onto you won’t go away unless I know deep down inside your heart that you feel nothing. And if it is that then I hope you will tell me and I can work on moving on. Stop hoping that I will run into you somewhere random and stop hoping that I can grab you and tell you that I love you and that lets run away and be all we ever need.