dear skylar

dear skylar

dear skylar

LTME-postHi my love. I miss you. I miss us. Your voice. Your laugh. Your handsome face, the smile you brought to mine. The way you made me so happy. The way you made me hope. The ease of it all. I’m sorry a month and a half later I’m still sitting here. Stuck. Hanging on. I don’t mean to. You were there with me, through it all. You felt everything I felt. Even though you never said it outright, I know you love me too. Why, her? Why throw that away? I know I was negative. And for that, I’m sorry. We weren’t looking for eachother, and yet there we were. That wasn’t an accident. When you think of all the things that had to fall into place for us to even “meet” how can you not be in awe and so thankful for fate intervening for us. I’m mad at you. I feel like you tossed me aside like it was NOTHING. Like we were nothing. I can’t put into words just what that’s done to me. Cuz that’s not you. You would never do that to me. That’s been so hard on me. I know you didn’t intend to hurt me. I know you’re ignoring me so that you can heal. But it doesn’t have to be like this, love. It took me some time, but I realized a little too late that I’d have done anything and more to give you what you gave me back. I just wanted it with you. No matter how hard it would’ve been. I feel, maybe without reason, and possibly just my imagination running wild, that there had to be something deeper, something more to why you just left. I’ve thought maybe you met someone closer that someone did steal you from me. I can’t think of any other reason my you would have done what you did. Without talking to me. My you wouldn’t have shattered my heart. My you would have called me. Talked to me. Made me feel like even though you were leaving that everything was going to be ok. I can’t bring myself to think you are just being an ass hole and not caring. Because that’s not who you are. I just needed 5 min. And a phone call. I’m sitting here stuck because I got no closure. I feel like I don’t know the whole story. I didn’t even get to tell you goodbye. I never got to tell you I love you in my voice. Tell you how amazing you are and how much you mean to me in my voice. And those are things you deserve to hear from me. For everything you brought out in me. For showing me it was ok to feel. Ok to love again. I can’t shake the feeling that you are my once in a lifetime Ace. How do I just let you go without a fight? You were everything I needed, sent to me just in the nick of time. You cracked that dark world I was stuck in wide open. You let light back into my life. Made me feel like I could breathe again. That things didn’t have to be shit. I just needed the right person to share my light with. Someone who would appreciate and reciprocate my love, my loyalty, someone who would protect and share my heart with me. Someone to not complete me, but add to me. And here I sit, feeling more alone than I ever have. Without my heart because you have it. You have me. The best parts and I’m sitting here with what’s left and it’s a cowering, unsure woman who doesn’t know up from down anymore. My heart doesn’t make mistakes love. One day my life felt like a movie and the next it was up in flames. Nothing is like it used to be, like I thought it would be. I’ve tried to let go. But I didn’t make this up. It wasn’t a fairy tale. It was real and it was going to be mine. I sit here day after day hoping you see that I’m more than my mistakes. More than the life I lived for a decade. Waiting for you to see that I was willing, and going to change everything to have that life with you. To see that through my negativity, underneath all the hurt was my old self. Ready to reemerge and just live. To be finished being damaged so that I didn’t lose you. I didn’t call you because I was trying to give you the space you asked for. My texts and emails were moments of weakness. My heart calling out for you. I’d have called if I thought I could’ve. Every day I have to force myself out of bed. Every day I have to plaster a smile on my face and pretend I’m ok. And it kills me to think that while I’m here just torn and broken because my meant to be just walked out of my life that you’re out there every day getting just a little bit stronger forgetting about me. And even still, I can’t allow myself to think that if you knew what this would do to me that you wouldn’t have done it. I won’t allow myself to believe that you’d ever destroy me knowingly. You seriously underestimated my strength. Or you seriously underestimated the way I feel for you. I feel like I need, nay, deserve my closure. I feel like I’ve only got bits and pieces of the story. I feel like we’ve flip flopped personalities. Only while you thought you weren’t getting through to me, you were. But I can’t get through to you.I feel like for the rest of my life I’m going to be searching and searching for what I found so easily with you and I don’t know if I’ll ever find it. Do you even get more than one of those in a lifetime? I wasn’t a lost cause, Ace. It just took me a little longer to catch up with you. I’d move mountains for you, my love, if it would fix it. I’d run to you if I could. I feel my world slipping back into that dark place again. And I don’t want it to. I don’t want to have to live without you. You mean the world to me. I don’t want to have to be great without you. I don’t want to never have what I deserved. Which is you. Here,there or wherever with me. Waking up beside me every day. falling asleep in my arms every night, like we talked about so many times. Knowing you had a good woman, a strong woman that would do her best to never let you down. And I’d know I finally had the man that was meant for me after all I’ve suffered through. Knowing things wouldn’t always be perfect, but that as long as we had eachother it would be Ok somehow. If you’re serious serious about this and not just angry at my stupidity, I understand. I just wish you’d give me the 5 min call to say my goodbye. To tell you what I need to tell you to be ok to move forward with rebuilding my life and accepting that I’m not gonna get my fairy tale. I think you could’ve been the love of my life, Ace. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life wondering what could’ve been, missing you, wanting you, not knowing if you’re ok. I have to be ok somehow and right now I’m stuck because I don’t want to give up on something that was so right, so great. I read and reread those texts, emails and watched and listened to those videos you sent me (can I just say real quick in a moment of weakness and being in my feelings, just how much I miss your fucking voice?!?!) dozens of times just to prove to myself I didn’t fucking make you up. That I didn’t make this into something it wasn’t.realizing I already knew that you loved me too,that I didn’t need you to tell me because it was literally in front of my face… that makes this fucking unbearable, because you left so easily. Just turned your back on it. While I understand your reasons, you took both our love with you when you left. And I’m over here keeping what’s left of my heart together with fucking scotch tape. I feel like you’re doing just fine and are ok and that’s not fucking fair. I didn’t want this. I tried not to fall. I tried not to care more than I should. I fucking tried to fix everything when I realized I never had a choice. That I was happily stuck with you. You pushed me and urged me to fall. To be open and just be me. And for the first time in a decade I was. You made me feel like it was ok to love you, and it seems it wasn’t. You told me that everything was going to be fine. Everything isn’t fucking ok Joel! Everything is beyond fucked. I’m not fucking ok. You took every bit of who I had gotten back, everything you made me realize I wanted and needed in my life, with you when you left. You took what little hope I had left. And it just fucking sucks. And it’s not fucking fair. This is all your fault! You made falling so easy and it’s just not fucking fair that you get to be ok and I don’t. This was your brilliant idea. Every time my fucking phone rings or alerts a text I hope and wish that it’s you, and I can’t do that to myself for however long it takes for you to fade into just a dull ache in my heart. Where do I find that again??? The effortless way things were. The way it was so easy to talk to you, to fall for you. I didn’t even try. You just had me. I was just yours. Looking back on the day I realized I was gone for you for good…the second I fell I wasn’t scared. I wasn’t freaking out. In that moment it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I felt a rush of warmth throughout my whole body. I felt GOOD. I closed my eyes and I got that look on my face that I got when I thought of you from that point forward. In that minute or 2, with you on the phone completely unaware, I was the happiest I’d ever been. I somehow knew I’d found my person. Without even trying. I knew that day on the phone that I loved you. I knew I would eventually from the beginning, I just didn’t expect it to happen so fast. My heart always knew. Then naturally, my mind reared its ugly head Eventually and I got scared. I never felt good enough for you. I thought someday you’d realize that I was nothing next to you And you’d leave me for someone with less baggage. And you might have. I’m not perfect, by a long shot. And neither are you, but you were perfect for me. And once upon a time you thought the world of me too. My heart knew, the whole time, and I think if you took a look inside yourself you’d realize yours did too. You’re throwing away our once in a lifetime Ace. And while I will always love you, I’ll never forgive you for taking that away from me, for turning into me and deciding it wouldn’t work. I need you to know that I’m not crazy. I’m ashamed of my actions that night, and I apologize for my behavior. I’ve never felt more crazy than I do when I think about it. Understand that I was SO sure about you. The thought of you leaving my life when I was sure you were my forever was strangling. I didn’t want to just let you walk away, to sit there doing nothing while you took my love, my happiness. It was an act of sheer desperation. If you’ve never lost your mind, you’ve never followed your heart. I just needed you to listen,I didn’t want to go out not fighting for you. Just saying ok or acting like you meant nothing to me. You taught me to never hold back. To not pretend I was ok when I wasn’t with you. Part of this is my refusing to believe that you’re ok with this too. Because I don’t believe you are.I think you’re hurting too. And you don’t need to. I’m too broken to try to pretend I’m being positive and doing just fine, this took what was left of who I used to be, who you brought out in me. That amazing,beautiful, caring, loving person who wanted to give you the world or at least share one with you that you got the rare opportunity to see is just gone. You took her with you. I’ve got nothing good left in me anymore. It’s all just been shattered.I’m full of hurt and resentment, I feel nothing warm from you anymore. I’m thinking that happened when you quit loving me, when I just started feeling cold. When everything started to fade. I don’t feel you getting back with me but damn I miss us ! plz can we be together again??

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