The first boy I ever loved

The first boy I ever loved

The first boy I ever loved

LTME-postDear Ex

You aren’t merely an ex boyfriend, you are an ex best friend as well , and ex soulmate. You were a person I thought I would spend the rest of my life with in some way or another, yet here I am now nearly a year since we last spoke so look how that dream turned out .

To find someone with such a similar experience in life as myself was a miracle, you were a miracle to me, the person I’d been seeking for for years. You understood better than anyone my unique experiences in life and that’s ultimately what tied us together so closely. That’s what made us share and bond so fast . I called you my best friend in a matter of months and within maybe 6 we were together.

I must admit you never explicitly stated what we were so when we eventually broke up although I was heartbroken I still had so many questions. For months following I felt no right to be so hurt because maybe technically we hadn’t been together. Yes it was my fault because I wanted a break but after 2 weeks you claimed to have no feelings for me and were back to the girl you had been persuing when we first met .

Those late night conversations listening to you talk about the way you felt about her literally a week post break up were some of the hardest I had to endure, and yet I mustered all I could and encouraged your happiness because at the end of the day that was all I could want . For you to be happy .

We tried to remain close friends but soon we became toxic and I wish I told you sooner that we should stop being friends , that nothing good was to come of us but I was 17 and head over heels in love with you . If I was going to lose you as a boyfriend I was sure I wouldn’t lose you from my life altogether .

But you changed, suddenly I felt I couldn’t express my own opinions without being shouted down by you , always walking on eggshells. You would make my opinions seem invalid often citing me as wrong. When I would try to share with you but ultimately close off because that’s the type of person I am you would tell me what I should have said and pick a fight with me .

Every time I ended the friendship 3 times total before complete contact cut off you would blame me and tell me it was me that needed to fix my issues. I would be certain I would stay away but you had a pull and then we’d falll back into the same routine .

I wish you knew how taxing all your gaslight techniques were, how awful it was when you planted ideas in my head or painted me in a certain way. I wish you knew how much I hated it when you insisted that how I felt was merely my opinion or that you knew better my own feelings than I did. I wish you knew that I was so scared of you and that we’d end in disaster and so Willing to change myself for you I had a friend monitor everything I said to you over text so I wouldn’t come across as aggressive. I wish you knew that I hated it when you would subtly suggest something so when I began to question you about your intentions I came across as obsessive and crazy.

I tortured myself for months over you and deciding to cut ties with you was one of the hardest decisions I ever made. Ultimately it was the best but hard nonetheless. However I wish you knew that now not even a year on i crtiticise myself through your eyes , I cry myself to sleep sometimes, I overanalyse and apologise for all the small things. I wish you knew I no longer love myself as much because if someone who purported to love me as you did could hurt me to such an extend there must be something wrong with me.

I don’t hate you, a part of me definitely still loves you and it hurts that one of our last conversations was us admitting that we probably both loved each other. But also I dislike you for all the emotional manipulation you put me through, that you have lowered my expecations of love and that you have made it harder for me to open up my heart to people. I dislike that you have made me afraid to love someone else because they might see me the way you did and the way I now see myself . Most importantly I dislike that you broke me and my faith in love and that you are the template for love because you are the first boy I ever loved.

I have learned from this experience but this learning comes from pain as I wish it didn’t but it does. I forgive you for everything you did to me and the mind games you played because you are flawed as I am, and I’m not saying I was perfect. I wasn’t . I did and said and lot of things I’m not proud of but I wish you knew that I learned from them and I’m not sure you did.

I hope you treat your future girlfriends better than you did me and that you better yourself like I endeavour to do so. Someday I won’t love you even slightly and someday the pain of my first love will subside but until that day I will hope that you take responsibility for your actions because you never did when we were together .

So I dislike you and all the awful things you did but I forgive you and I forgive myself for letting you do them to me . Now I will work on myself. Healing. And looking to the future
Your ex.

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