I wish we were brave enough to have this conversation a year ago. We were both terrible at communicating what we needed from each other. I remember you mentioned how you liked that movie “Crazy, Stupid Love”. It’s a fitting description for the chapter in my life that was affected by you. I’m not sure if you did more harm than good to me this year, but the past is the past, and what’s more important is the present and future.
Our time together made me feel how I want to feel in the future – when I feel like I can share the joy in my life with someone and trust they will take care of me and make me happier than I already am. I wish so badly I could just fast forward to that point, where things are stable and I know everything is going to be alright and I can just relax. That’s how I felt with you even when everything else around me seemed like one big blur… I was certain that you were the guy for me. Being in your arms, feeling you next to me when I woke up in the morning, the way you made me laugh and smile… Those are the moments I felt most at home… so safe, happy, and satisfied. I wish you knew all of this so you would know the right things to do and say, but our damaged hearts and bruised egos are still healing and it makes me sad seeing how hard it is for you to open up to me and be confident in your ability to win me over again. I know you will never want to admit how torn up you were when you realized things had changed. I hope you know that I never wanted you to be hurting the way I was… but I think burying that part of you that allows you to be open and vulnerable is also why things didn’t work out. I hope you know that deep down I never changed, I was trying to cope with circumstances and trying to be strong on my own so I could learn to take care of myself again. It’s crazy and stupid… what a year of heartache and confusion can do to a person… how two months of bliss can take so long to get over and move on from… It goes without saying that kind of chemistry is not something you come across too often in life.
I’m not forgetting or completely letting go of what I had with you. It was great and nothing will ever change something that was truly wonderful. When we are together it amazes me how it feels like no time has passed since those two months even though so much around us has changed. What I fear is the consequences of seeing each other when the time isn’t right and when neither person is entirely ready to make compromises… Will it be as good? Will the chemistry and how much fun we had together last while we are both still trying to figure out our lives and learn how to date in the city? I have a lot to learn… But I think you need more time and space to figure things out and I completely accept you for that. I accept everything about you and I never want you to resent me for trying to make you something you are not ready to be. I’m at peace with the fact that maybe I am just not the right girl for you. I want you to be happy, I just don’t want to see or hear about other girls you’re seeing when I’m not there. Meanwhile I just have to keep moving forward and not feel guilty about wanting more from a relationship. I think one day you might think back to what you could have done better with me and wish you knew how to adapt to change and continue to make me happy. I wish I knew how to tell you without making you feel criticized. Whoever gets to be your girl after you’ve had more time to mature is going to be really lucky and I wish that could be me one day. This is still in your hands and I’m still on your side rooting for you — don’t ever forget that. If we were right for each other, things will work out the way they should.
You were my first love and nothing will ever change that. Even more, you were there for me when I was at my lowest point – not because you needed to be, but because you wanted to be – and part of me will always love you for that. I know you miss me from time to time and I miss you too, but I hope you understand why now is not the right time for us to see each other consistently and exclusively. I know that’s what we both want deep down… and maybe it’ll happen again. I really think good things happen to good people in the long run, and you and I are no exception. Maybe one day we will get together and it will be amazing, or maybe we will meet other people who are better for us and we will look back and laugh at how stupid we were for holding on. I miss you more than I’d like to admit, but partially thanks to you, I am stronger now on my own and more confident in my ability to find true love one day. I want to always remember you for all the good and with softness in my heart… and I truly wish you all the best.