Where to start… Your birthday! Congratulations, it took everything in me not to send you flowers. I just kept imagining your dude looking like “wtf?” — You know I don’t want to cause any problems. This is long and I will ramble, but I just need to vent. I pray you take the time to read it.
I have to start off by saying please forgive me for bothering you. I know that you don’t want anything to do with me, and I understand it’s something I will have to live with for the rest of my life. I don’t mean to intrude in your life, or be disrespectful if you have a significant other. I know that you have moved on with your life, and probably don’t think of me much anymore. All pride aside as I am writing you this, I think about you every single day. One would think that after all of the time that has passed that I wouldn’t still feel this way, but that’s not the case. The worst part is that I can’t help but feel the way I do.
I don’t expect to ever see your gorgeousness outside of a picture. Whenever I hear your voice in my dreams I wake up with a heavy heart, wishing it all was real. Some nights i’m holding you in my arms, embracing the sparks we’d create, only to wake up alone. I’ve made more mistakes than I can count, but losing you has been my biggest fault thus far. I can’t say that I have been an emotional wreck, but I can NOT seem to get you out of my head. I’ve tried so hard to just move on and forget but I can’t.
Perhaps I have yet to forgive myself for my actions. I respect your decision to sever all ties with me, and it probably was the right decision. Before you came into my life, I had never known what it was like to actually care about someone else more than I cared about myself. To see you smile and be happy has always been my goal, and if you are happy then I am genuinely happy for you.
I remember when you would get upset at me for referring to females in a derogatory manner. Back then I couldn’t understand why you cared about how I looked at other girls. In my eyes, you were never just another female. You are so different from other women, I don’t think you even realize it. Even to this day, every time I meet a woman her chances of getting to know me are slim because she is not you. In my eyes, you were always a queen and deserved to be treated like one. I tried, but I fell short. I always loved you for who you are, and nothing more. In my eyes your past made you who you are today, and whether your past be as dark as mine or as bright as the sun, my love for you didn’t change. I am a curious soul and desire to know the good, the bad, and the ugly. Regardless of my facial expression, it never changed the way I felt about you. I know that all of these things are what God put into the pot to cook up my dream girl. I just wanted to love you past your faults, like I felt you loved and looked past mine.
I never had anyone tell me how to treat a lady, or how to show her I love her. I have been a pupil of the school of hard knocks, and my failures are many. I had no prior experience with dealing with a lady. I will be the first to admit that I overstretched myself in many desperate attempts to see you smile. I was taught that practice makes permanent, not perfect. Apparently I practiced the wrong things, and now you’re permanently gone.
I am just an ordinary man, with extraordinary thoughts and feelings. I don’t expect to get any type of response from this so please don’t feel obligated. I just really need to get as much of this out as possible. I’ve spoken with friends and family about it, but no one really understands. Not many people are actually willing to put their whole heart into a relationship, and therefore have no idea what it feels like to lose someone that you truly love. We could have grown together, and now I don’t know if I will ever meet another lady whom i’m willing to treat like a queen such as you.
Always and Forever,
Caleb G. Cooper