This letter is really just me still trying fruitlessly to hang on to something that is gone already. I know it is my own fault. But that doesn’t take away the pain I still feel inside. It doesn’t fill the hole in my heart or lighten the load on my chest. I still love you. I have tried so hard not to love you. And decisions were made in haste in that endless journey. Resulting in you probably losing whatever respect was left for me. I can’t take back my actions. I can’t take back my words. I can’t take back the hurt I’ve caused you. I have said I’m sorry. But I know that means nothing to you. And it won’t bring you back, I know.
I try to act like I’m not hurting when you’re around. I’m actually getting really good at it. I thought for a while that maybe it was because I was getting over you. But now I know it’s just my way of getting closer to you. If I act like everything is cool, and were just friendly, then you don’t avoid me. And just being near you heals me. The pain goes away. Just your presence makes me whole again. It’s really a horrible game I play. Pretty selfish right? But I need it. It’s like a drug I can’t kick. So I act like nothing’s wrong. All the while, wanting only to hold you in my arms. Look into your eyes and tell you how much I love you. Kiss your forehead like I used to do. Because I know you loved it. And hold your hand. And adore you from across a room. All this, but I say nothing. Do nothing. Only play it cool so you won’t push me away even further.
I’m not asking you to come back. Im not asking you to give a shit about me. I’m just saying that I will never be over you. No matter how many women may come and go in my life, they will never replace you. They can not fix my empty heart. They can’t repair my soul. Because I had my soulmate already. You.
Yes I have been looking for a woman to share my life with. I never wanted to be on my own. That was what you wanted. So in my loneliness, I’ve tried to find someone. Anyone. To love, and hold, and share my heart with. To no avail. I am told that I am a good catch, but no one wants me. Or maybe I just am meant to be on my own. Though lonely and heartbroken doesn’t seem to be my bag. Who knows, maybe I will meet the girl of my dreams someday? But I hope that you are her. Someday in the future maybe. After you date a few guys. Or whatever those “things ” you need to do for yourself are.
Anyway. I almost wish we could not exist to each other for a while. Then maybe I could have a fresh chance at you someday. Like a whole new start. But you and I are bound together by our awesome kids. And no matter how hard we try, well always be connected. Which saddens me even more. Because I’ll never have that chance.
Everyone says it’s gonna be fine. It gets better with time. Or I just need to meet someone new. Maybe they’re right. Idk? But for now, I miss you. I miss your smile in the morning. Your hugs after work. The way you listened when I needed to vent. I miss rubbing your head and the smell of your hair. Most of all , I miss your loving touch, your soft, gentle way that you touched my soul , and made it yours.
I wish you all the best that life will bring you. And oppologize for hurting you. I will do my best to never do that again.
Forever The Bad Guy