Closure

CMT,

So what a journey it has been! A book of journal entries in hoping for a quicker healing. The process of healing needs to be faster. So I figured I write a letter in hopes it make healing faster and quicker to find myself again. I just deleted our email account. In there were all my entries. I guess I was really hoping it would be like the movie the “Notebook” where we find each other again and read them. But that’s only in movies. Love like that doesn’t exist. I try so much to move on and when I finally feel like I have something of your remembrance appears! Why? Why can’t I get you our of my system.

Many times I wanted to give up in life. And Waking up felt like my punishment. Not that it matters to you but I really thought you was a good guy. I really felt like you fell from the heavens and hit hard on the ground & bended your halo. I really thought you came to rescue me. And you was my soul mate. But instead you poisoned me and had me die a slow death. I fell in love with someone who didn’t exist. You took so much away from me. Not only did you take my money and run. But you took my heart and soul and damaged it. The great things that are to be cherish in life was taken from me. I can’t look at the moon and admire the beauty and fasciation of it. It was our way of being connected to our long distance relationship while we spoke, whispered, laughed and slept on the phone. So many things I so loved and shared with you has been damaged to me. Can’t listen to music it supposedly good for the soul. Not mine!I am in the mountains where the air is clean and starry night are amazing. The moon so big and shinning gleams on the house and roads. How stupid of me! It’s so hard for me to enjoy the beauty of our world and universal that we both share and it hurts to see it! Why did you have to hurt me so cruelty? I agreed to the break up but how you did it was so wrong and so painful. The way you left I needed my closure so I can move on. I needed to speak and get it off my chest. An apology from the heart would of made such a difference. But like Matt says “what use is an apology if its not meant from the heart”. So I know I meant nothing to you. I have everything what I need. But what I wanted I couldn’t have. But just like that I disappeared from your mind and soul. You was my nerd. I believed in you. I believed every word because I loved you so. But there was something you was wrong in and that is hate! I couldn’t find hate in my heart! You one time said “everyone has hate in their heart”. I tried so hard to find my hate for you. But I couldn’t find mine. As much as I want to hate you and everyone who has ever hurt me I can’t find it. And that causing me more a heartache. And that what makes me different from others. Who knows maybe your wish will come true I’ll find my hate! In the meantime if the real CMT (the one I feel in love with) reads my letter please let him know “Our hearts was forged from the core of the same star” I loved you! And the CMT (I would of never fell in love with) read Deez? huh? Deez Nuts! Fuck You!