Closure

CMT,

So what a journey it has been! A book of journal entries in hoping for a quicker healing. The process of healing needs to be faster. So I figured I write a letter in hopes it make healing faster and quicker to find myself again. I just deleted our email account. In there were all my entries. I guess I was really hoping it would be like the movie the “Notebook” where we find each other again and read them. But that’s only in movies. Love like that doesn’t exist. I try so much to move on and when I finally feel like I have something of your remembrance appears! Why? Why can’t I get you our of my system.

Many times I wanted to give up in life. And Waking up felt like my punishment. Not that it matters to you but I really thought you was a good guy. I really felt like you fell from the heavens and hit hard on the ground & bended your halo. I really thought you came to rescue me. And you was my soul mate. But instead you poisoned me and had me die a slow death. I fell in love with someone who didn’t exist. You took so much away from me. Not only did you take my money and run. But you took my heart and soul and damaged it. The great things that are to be cherish in life was taken from me. I can’t look at the moon and admire the beauty and fasciation of it. It was our way of being connected to our long distance relationship while we spoke, whispered, laughed and slept on the phone. So many things I so loved and shared with you has been damaged to me. Can’t listen to music it supposedly good for the soul. Not mine!I am in the mountains where the air is clean and starry night are amazing. The moon so big and shinning gleams on the house and roads. How stupid of me! It’s so hard for me to enjoy the beauty of our world and universal that we both share and it hurts to see it! Why did you have to hurt me so cruelty? I agreed to the break up but how you did it was so wrong and so painful. The way you left I needed my closure so I can move on. I needed to speak and get it off my chest. An apology from the heart would of made such a difference. But like Matt says “what use is an apology if its not meant from the heart”. So I know I meant nothing to you. I have everything what I need. But what I wanted I couldn’t have. But just like that I disappeared from your mind and soul. You was my nerd. I believed in you. I believed every word because I loved you so. But there was something you was wrong in and that is hate! I couldn’t find hate in my heart! You one time said “everyone has hate in their heart”. I tried so hard to find my hate for you. But I couldn’t find mine. As much as I want to hate you and everyone who has ever hurt me I can’t find it. And that causing me more a heartache. And that what makes me different from others. Who knows maybe your wish will come true I’ll find my hate! In the meantime if the real CMT (the one I feel in love with) reads my letter please let him know “Our hearts was forged from the core of the same star” I loved you! And the CMT (I would of never fell in love with) read Deez? huh? Deez Nuts! Fuck You!

3 Comments

  1. Feeling Lost 5 years ago

    Hi Amanda, I just finish coming out of a break up! I sit here reading everyone letter’s and I came across yours. Reading your letter showed me I am not the only one suffering a heart break. My boyfriend broke my heart and it feels like the end of the world. I cant sleep. I cant eat. I feel like I lost of function. You seem to be a good person to not have hate in your heart. I hate my boyfriend right now for making feel this way. I love him so much but he cheated on me. Does you ex know how you feel? If the moon was your connection maybe he is looking at it too? I guess I still like to believe my boyfriend is still thinking about me. But I don’t know if I should hold on to the memories or to let them go? It hurts my heart!! Please help me? I need a good person to help me get through this. I feel like I lost trust in people.

  2. A man da 5 years ago

    Hello (Feeling Lost),

    Replying to your comment. I am not a good person. I did wrong. I fell in love! He was not mine to begin with. But I thought our love was real. He was a childhood crush of mine. And 25 years later I thought I had a chance in love. I have done everything in the book right. And the one time I decide to allow love happen and be selfish. It back fires on me. I gave up everything for him. And when he left I cried like he died. I had died everyday waiting for him to come back to me. So I don’t know if I can help you. Because I am still dying a slow death!

    You asked if he knows how I feel? I would say No! I tried but I been blocked and deleted from his life :'( I don’t exist. He left me with broken promises and a broken soul. Left me with no closure. Left to die with a broken heart. So please don’t ask for my help. I am lost myself. In my world there is no moon, no music, no light. I wake everyday just waiting for the day to hear from him. I desperately want to move on! God knows!! I pray every night and every morning for me to move on. See he was not like everyone else. I loved his mind! And we talked for hours, for days. We laughed and we cried. I simply loved him! He had nothing to offer me. I just knew I was happy with him. I trusted him :'( He was not just my lover but my friend. But it was all a lie. So when I lost him, I lost myself!

    Please forgive me I can not help you. I am still weak. Only you know what’s good for you. If the memories keep you alive. Hold on to them. If the memories are to painful let them go! Only you know! All I can do for you is give you my wish. I wished upon him many years ago. And he came into my life. Late! But he showed!! So Tonight I will gain the strength to look at the moon and at 11:11pm I will give you my wish. I wish you find LOVE again. Sorry, I know its corny but its all I can do for now. For now I am not able to wish upon stars. I don’t think mine going to come true! My soul has been damaged. But If you believe your wish can come true!

    -Best regards, Amanda

    P.S. I know you not reading this but if you do, I still Love You :'( 143900 because infinity is forever. Please contact me so I can have closure to move on.

  3. Amanda 4 years ago

    Hello (Feeling Lost)

    Hoping when you receive this letter you are doing well. I want to apologize to you on my response to your letter. I definitely was not in the right state of mind. And of course what felt like grieving ends up being a blessing! For months I felt I had lost the love of my life but in fact I didn’t. Love comes in different forms. I thought I loved CMT but in fact I feared him. I firmly believe he has mental issues of having Narcissistic personality! So trust me when I say it’s not my loss but a blessing for me. Just poison to me! And I certainly don’t need to deal with that. The flaws on this guy was huge! I mean huge! You have no idea that he brought nothing to the table. So I want to tell you I hope you find the love you deserve. Forget that person that hurt you it is their loss not yours! I’m pretty he has issues! I know this now. I am happy to say I am happy! I made manger to the firm, got salary increase and have bought a home. And I have the most amazing family! I could of really lost it all. I may have not got my closure and that’s okay cause at the end. He is not my problem! He definitely did me a favor!!

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