Yoru no Suisho,
It’s been years since we broke up and yet you still pop up in my head from time to time. Is it because I still love you? I can firmly answer: no. But we didn’t end things in a good way and I would just like to get my thoughts about that off my chest.
We were young when we got together and we just grew apart in terms of compatibility. But I clung to you for the last few years because I was young, naive and so lacking in confidence that I used you as my confidence booster and my solace from the dreadful things in life. I became a burden to you and looking back, I know that you made the right choice.
The only thing that I hated about you after the breakup was the way you played with my feelings. You would text me using MSN messenger only on my birthday and Valentine’s day for 2 years in a row. For what purpose, I do not know. But just so you know, you really hurt me with those actions as I was the one who was dumped while you were out and about and happily meeting new people.
The worst bit was when I decided to make good of our promise to still be friends when I’m ready and contacted you. Unfortunately for me, my timing was so impeccable that it was when you already had another girlfriend and therefore, my offering of the olive branch was interpreted as my wanting you back when all I wanted was to reciprocate your seemingly “kind” attentions to me in those 2 years. Needless to say, you first offended me when you kept saying that you would not be free for a long time. By then, I already had gotten the message so I just tried to end the conversation as politely as possible by replying that it’s alright and maybe when you’re free later on. Then, salt was added to the wound when you immediately replied by saying that you have a girlfriend, that my best friend should have mentioned it and if I wanted to meet up, we would have to meet with your girlfriend together. The only thing I would like to clarify here is that while my best friend may be your friend on facebook, we’re not such idiots to be stalking you so my best friend was equally offended by your comment as she knew we were not suitable with each other and was and still is not bothered about your facebook postings. If I were your girlfriend, I would hate to be in that position of going for a meeting together with your ex and also, your answer told me that you were not willing to be friends. That was why I just rejected the offer based on that grounds and ended the conversation.
But I am only human so in anger, I sent out a retaliation email asking that you decide if we are to be friends and if I did not receive a reply, I would know what that meant. So when you did not reply me, I had already gotten the message. But for some odd reason, you chose to message me a few days after your birthday (which was 3 months after I had sent the email) to tell me you did not want to be friends. It was honestly the oddest conversation for me and I made the mistake of saying my usual phrase of ‘see you around’ when all I wanted to say was ‘bye’. It may sound like an excuse but by that time, I finally realised that I was already a very different person from the one you dated and that we could not be friends any more.
But the trauma from how our relationship ended up and all the hardships we both went through in our relationship (and I will admit that it not just caused by ourselves but by my father as well) still is causing some lingering fear in me to start any new relationships so having come across this website, I would like to just let it all out and put that 9-year-old ghost in my heart to rest for good.
I still remember both the good and the bad of our relationship and I have a feeling that I will never forget them. In fact, both the good and the bad would probably be be some of those things that I would share and talk about in a mother-daughter conversation with my future daughter. I do notice that I now can look back on our good times as just fond memories of my youth and our bad times as lessons that I needed to learn. I doubt our paths will ever cross again and even if they do, I’m very sure we will both just walk past each other without acknowledgement. But I would like to say lastly that your existence in my life has taught me a lot of good things (cooking, sex, how to fix my own computer, what men can be like etc… ) which are things that are useful for me to know in life and now that I am truly my own person, I would like to thank you for having a part in shaping me for the better in both the good and the bad ways you have treated me. We had the karma to meet and to part ways and that is all there is to our previous relationship. I wish you well in your life and all the happiness the good karma of your actions bring you.