I’ve done a lot of thinking over the last few days. I’ve come to realize that I don’t really miss being with you, in fact – just the opposite. I feel relief, I’m glad that whatever demons inside or leftover angst is finally evaporating and I am feeling more free than anything. What you do with your life actually does not concern me at all, and I actually do not ever want to see you again. If I do, because we have mutual friends, I will just ignore you, because at the end of the day, it would have been better if you were never a part of my life and we had never met.
Perhaps the role of some people in our lives is to teach us lessons and sometimes there may not be a good reason for these people, except that we have bad things happen to us. Of course, I am not innocent of dealing with the issue at hand – even if someone mistreats me, should I not walk away sooner? Perhaps that was part of my lesson – to learn to stand up for myself in the future and be less idealistic and naive.
One of the last things I told you was that I finally I will learn not to be naive in the future. Perhaps I did learn a little bit at the time, but I did not learn my whole lesson to let this drag for so long after.
I don’t know if every girl thinks this way – but I am most saddened by the thought of having loved someone of your caliber. No one really wants to admit that they gave up so much for someone who would end up treating them this way in the end. It is embarrassing, degrading, and most of all, too hurtful to fathom. So I started to paint a picture of an alternate you – and that’s what ended up hurting me more in the end actually. Because I gave you the power to hurt me even more. But I’ve finally woken up and I will not let you hurt me anymore. I didn’t want to admit that I had fallen in love with a cold heartless jerk, I had wrongly trusted you, and most of all – that you’re selfish and you never really cared about me. When you for whatever reason got bored, that was it – who cares how I felt. That should have been enough of a wake-up call that I was simply used. But I wanted to believe that there was another reason – and from time to time, my stories would change. You were misunderstood – you were hurting – and most ridiculous of all, perhaps you were looking out for me.
But now I know, you never once even really considered how I felt throughout all this, did you? I’m sure I’ve crossed your mind from time to time, but now knowing what I do, I don’t want to know what you were thinking because obviously they were either cruel, crude, or selfish/competitive. And now you feel that you’ve won. Because at the end, that’s what it’s always been about.
In the off chance that one day when you find your own happiness, when you have children, perhaps when you think about how you’ve treated everyone in your life – I wish I could actually tell you this. In fact, I wish I could actually just tell you now but I can not. You can not treat people without respect and you can’t just throw other people’s feelings without taking responsibility. We are all selfish in this world, but what separates us from animals in the end is somewhat of a decency and set of morals. Everyone’s line is drawn differently, so perhaps you feel this is all fitting. I wish to tell you that although I have walked away and now out of it, you did hurt me deeply and for better or worse, I will have a harder time trusting guys in the future because of what you did to me. Whether your intentions or not, I do not know and it does matter. Maybe you will carry on this way forever, but maybe one day you will wake up and think back to that girl so long ago, and realize that it was not a decent thing to do to take someone’s trust and throw it away like that. Just because you believe that you have deleted someone’s existence from your memory doesn’t mean that they have disappeared in reality and that all your actions and promises you have actually rid of your responsibilities. Only cowards run away from turmoil.
I wish her good luck. Perhaps you have changed, perhaps she has the power to change your selfish and cold ways and good riddance to that then. But more likely than not, it is only a matter of time. And I do not wish this type of treatment on any other girl – friend or foe. It is not fair and not decent. So I sincerely hope that you have changed but I will certainly no longer stay around to find out.