Dear HDD,

There’s been so many times I’ve sat down and began to write to you because I have so much to get off my chest, but I’ve never been able to work up the courage to send you how I feel because I don’t know who you are anymore and I know you’re happy with her.

It’s hard to believe it’s been a year and a half that I’ve went without you, but there hasn’t been one day since I lost you that you haven’t crossed my mind. There’s been times, even recently, when I don’t have the motivation to get out of bed because I know it’s another day I’m going to have to go without you. I can’t do anything without thinking of you. I go to baseball games and think of all the times I took you to your games and sat through 10 of them every weekend supporting you. I loved that so much. I get in my car and a certain song comes on and I remember all the places we drove together and the memories we made just driving for hours and talking about our future. I remember all the times I promised you I was going to love you forever and I really though you were the one I was going to marry. The first time we talked, I knew you were the one. The way my heart filled when I got one simple text from you, or how excited I got when I finally got to see you all weekend. I swear to God I will never love anyone the way I’ve loved you. I’ve tried.

When we started to fall apart, I was a dumb teenage girl who had a confused mind. I guess I thought there was better out there but eventually my mind always led me back to you. I never really knew that I loved you like I did until I lost you for good. I didn’t believe it would ever happen. I know I took you for granted and for that I am sorry.

What hurt the worst was the fact that you went straight to my friend after we split. A month after the break up, you were dating one of my closest friends. I could never believe that or even begin to accept it. I still can’t. I told myself when that happened it would never last because you were going to college and she still had 2 years of high school left…but here you are, still together and you seem to be happy as ever. That kills me.

I remember our last deep talk after the break up. I asked if we would ever have a chance in the future and you said sternly, “maybe.” I’ll hold on to that forever. I miss us. I miss the laughs, the fake fights we had, the long nights staying up crying because you thought you had no one, I miss comforting you, letting you know it was all okay, supporting you, kissing you in the morning when I woke up, and at night before I went to bed. Living with your boyfriend at 16 and for a year really gets to you. I am still attached to the endless time we spent together. I was so young and so were you but our circumstances led to us becoming so close so fast.

I would do absolutely anything to sit and talk to you again. To just get to know you all over again. To hold your big, strong hand. I can’t explain the pain I feel everyday knowing that I may never get to be in your arms again, and it’s my fault.

It’s a waiting game from here on out. I’m waiting for you because no one compares to you. No one, absolutely no one can make me feel the way you did. So here I am saying I will love you forever. I will love you through all of your relationships. I’m waiting until the day you’re single again and I’ll take my chances then but it’s too risky now. And if you end up with this girl forever, well I wish you luck. But, I’ll still love you. And if I ever find someone comparable to you who can sweep me off my feet, I promise you a piece of my heart will still be missing. You are that piece forever. I love you forever and always and I’m sorry for the pain that caused you to walk away. It’s you. It’s always been you. Always will be.