Realization: Was I really in love?

Realization: Was I really in love?

Realization: Was I really in love?

LTME postIt’s 1:26 in the morning. I had been staring at my screen for a couple of hours and the last thing I know, I am opening a blank email typing everything I have in mind. And silly me, all I can think of is about that dream.

For the past few days, I have been consumed by a dream of that person in my past. Three times in a row and the scenes are purely of those sweet moments we spent together. I have no idea as to what triggered it, it’s not like I’ve thinking of him before sleeping.

Back when I was in college, when my friends have been sharing stories about their relationships with the opposite sex, I wonder how does it feel to have that someone who sends you sweet messages every hour of the day, who says “I love you”, who fetches and brings you home after your class, and who makes you feel so giddy every time you hear his voice over the phone. I marvel over the feeling of “butterfly in the stomach” when you are with him. A romantic novel reader as I am, I idolize those writers for being that creative, imaginative in all senses that they can make such stories which make you cry with the characters because of the pain, the hurting, the heartaches they are going through. I admit, I had questioned the existence of love. But yes, I prayed and hoped to find someone who’ll prove that I was wrong all along.

And then I met this guy who, I think met every qualification I set for an ideal boyfriend. Days passed, we became friends, close friends. I must say that the feelings have grown stronger since the moment we started texting each other. He started courting and I entertained him. He gave answers to all those doubts that had been running through my head about LOVE. As days go by, I said, “I am inlove”. Then, we soon became lovers. Sending sweet messages, saying I love you’s and I miss you’s, calling each other every time, going out together once in a while have been the best moments of my life. I felt so special and loved.

And when reality stroke, we have to go to separate ways for our future. We believed that we have that enough trust and love to make the relationship alive. We survived the distance. We make it a point that we communicate once in a while.

And then, never did I think that after eight months, everything just fell apart. All of a sudden, BOOM, we broke up. The relationship I thought I will hold on forever ended in a blink of an eye.

I broke up with him, literally. But it is because I have all the reasons to do such thing. It’s not just some sort of pride but more of self-respect. The communication had been receding, which I tried to ignore because I had been too understanding. The affection, the love had been doubted and I felt like I was being taken for granted. Now, tell me, do I still have the reason to stay in the relationship?

Then just recently, a friend told me that maybe, what I had for him wasn’t really love. That what I felt was nothing, I was just obsessed with the idea of being inlove because of the stories I have been told, the stories I have read and simply, the idea of being inlove. He made me realize things that weren’t that clear to me before and I guess, he was right. Was I really inlove or just inlove with the idea of being inlove? If you get what I mean.

Then I recall those days, of what I went through after the break-up. And maybe, just maybe he was right.

I sent him messages, yes. I told him I miss him, yes. I wished to have him back, yes. I was hurt, yeah, I admit, but that was maybe, for those time, effort and emotion invested to someone who wasn’t really worth them all. I wasn’t that devastated when he left me. I didn’t feel that ache inside just thinking of how he left me that easily. There weren’t those nights I cry myself to sleep. There weren’t any day that I chose to stay in my room alone.

And now, I can say, if our paths will cross again, I can now look into his eyes and smile. I can befriend him again, holding no grudges because he wasn’t responsible of the “pain” I’ve felt before anyway, I was. But I don’t regret those days, but hopefully, someday, I will be spending such sweet moments with someone who deserves me.


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