Dear Wayne,

Its been 2 months since we separated. I know I shouldn’t be counting on the days but 2 months seems forever for me. Just to let you know what I’ve been up to… I spent the first two weeks packing and moving out of my apartment because you said we would move in together and then changed your mind and decided to have a stranger (who was a girl) move in with you. After we decided that we would, you sent me a text message first thing in the morning while I was asleep in your bed that your letting me go because you don’t see yourself getting married again. Oh yes, after a kiss goodbye in the morning and I’ll see yah later at go karting. And I was meant to get out of bed have a shower, pack my bags and go to work. I hate acting mature in these situations. How I wish I bashed your TV or at least even scratched your bike or maybe dipped your toothbrush in the toilet bowl or turned your heater on the whole time so you would have a higher electricity bill or maybe stained all your white shirts with my red dress.

But no, I had to take the higher ground and just write you an amazing letter of how much I love you that you were the love of my life and thank you for giving me a chance to find what im looking for and that i’ll miss you..blah blah blah. I had to drive to work while screaming in the car doing 110 on the freeway wishing a truck would just crash into me. I had to control the tears in front of the people I was training. I had to run to my counsellor bawling my eyes out who I just spoke to a week ago saying that we seem to be doing okay this time. And then you message me saying thank you for the letter, that I forgot to leave your laptop and that you’ll miss me! Oh gee, it didn’t seem like we just separated. Oh you were heartbroken! ugh…

For the next few days and weeks I lost my appetite, I couldn’t sleep, my eyes had an endless supply of tears I was waiting for a text message a phone call for you to say that you want me back. Just like so many times before for the last year and a half. You would push me away, but then you’d always ask me to come back… and now im starting to realize I was such a masochist when I knew it wasn’t going to work out each time anyways…And then I had to message you to return your laptop and you had to reply and say that you would love for us to remain friends and that you would hate for us to completely cut off communication. I mean are you serious??? You tell me you cant marry me but you want to be friends???

Oh but yes, a few days later in my moment of weakness I messaged you… and yeah you were so nice to me.. told me that you love me and you want me to find what I deserve.. these friggin lines… and i was starting to give in to the thought of being friends… really? a week after the break up we could transition to being friends??? who was i kidding? i was going to be a booty call… because you knew i was weak around you… i was so in love with you and i would do anything you say… thank God for knocking some sense in me in those few hours… thank God for not picking up your call that night…God knows i would be in the dumpster searching for my gross self-esteem. And i wish i told you that time all i wanted to say but instead again i took the high road and said that im struggling not being with you so i need to move on and cut off communication.

Damn taking the high road! Damn being mature during breakups!

So I’m writing you this letter to tell you everything i wish i did back then!

Yes i know im 13 years younger than you are but i am not a child! Each time we talk about commitment you say “shush” “shush” give me a kiss and a hug. And then when i start to get annoyed at our lack of communication you say that i should be more assertive?! Whaaaat??? I just tried saying what i wanted didn’t I? Oh and was it my idea to move in together??? No sir, it was you! You said let’s move in when your lease ends… and i say my lease is ending and you say oh you cant move in because my parents might move in… and then we break up.. then we get back together and you say im ready for you to move in anytime…then a week later oh i cant do this… what the???? Then you say im ready to give you what you want (commitment and marriage and kids) then apparently not…Commitment issues you say? Yeh blame it all on your ex wife shall we… Then you say im needy and you feel you constantly need to reassure me… uhm… what?

You comment on girls on instagram from your gym saying you love their eyes and that their booty looks great and that their stunning and i end up being called insecure for telling you off for it??? What does this remind me of? Yeh that music video by Beyoncé if i were a boy… oh wait i remember a few things you said… your ex wife used to tell you off for speaking to other women… hmmm… now i wonder why? yes, coz you aren’t doing anything wrong and you wouldn’t jump on the opportunity to flirt with other girls!

Oh remember those times when i had you use my car because you had a shitty car then? and i would rather take the bus than you using your bike coz you didn’t have your full license yet? Do you remember when i drove you everyday the whole week and helped you out with your homework when you were at training? Do you remember all those days you asked me to take care of your daughter so you can work extra on Saturdays coz you need the money? Remember when i had to do errands for you to help you out? Oh and you thought i wouldn’t notice that you had 2 Viagra tablets in your drawer and as you said you sold it to your “friend”. Oh and that i know you don’t want to sign your divorce papers because your ex was annoying you by selling the property and not giving you any share and asking you to pay for your dog’s pup? Well good on her! If i were her i would do the same… ugh so much for taking the high road!! Remember when i helped you move and bought stuff for your place and even a night light for your daughter. Remember all those cover letters i wrote for you?

Your an ass for:
– flirting with other women and then calling me insecure for it
– sleeping with me telling me that you’ve been separated from your ex wife … but apparently you weren’t at that time
– not making plans with me in advance and then calling me needy when i ask for time
– for the endless promises of moving in together
– saying that my boobs are small and that i need to have it done
– for asking me to look like a “real girl” each time we go out
– for making me feel that being with you is a privilege
– for always saying that i only get to you see you “if youre lucky” “if you play your cards right “good things come to those who wait”
– for not paying my petrol when we have to drop off your daughter which is an hour away
– for promising me that things will be different this time
– for saying that i shouldn’t make too many plans by myself because we wouldn’t have time to spend together- when i do you say you need space (?)
– for saying that the reason why we have issues is because we don’t live together – and then you say you’re happy to just be seeing each other 4 days a week (?)
– for wanting me to always have time for you but not making time for me
– for making me feel that my main role is to please you and your daughter
– for all the times you made fun of me and my culture
– for all the small signs you gave me to make me believe that this relationship was going somewhere
—for making me a part of your daughter’s life
—for introducing me to your parents
—for introducing me to your friends
—for giving me spare keys to your house
—for saying that you will put photos of me in your house
—for asking me what to do with my stuff when we move in together
—for looking at houses together
—for saying that it would be easier to drive from your place to work than from mine
—for asking me when i want to have a baby
—for saying that we will get a dog
—for saying that i can move in whenever i want
—for saying that things will be easier when we move in together
—for saying that we will buy our café together

Yes all those signs and i still stuck it out with you til the very end! Im was so stupidly inlove with you i couldn’t stay away! And yes with all the bitterness and anger in my heart i hope your new girl has it easier with you! And that she has a really high paying job – which you wanted for me so you can stop working and as you said “look after the children”. I hope she’s enjoying your bike rides – coz your so awesome at it and everyone looks up to you as to how amazing of a rider you are. I hope she’s enjoying your one round of sex each time. I hope she strip teases for you (please delete that video) I hope she ties you up in bed. I hope she’s enjoying your mockery and your insulting humour. I hope she doesn’t complain about the petrol you use when you drop off your daughter. I hope she makes you awesome breakfasts. I hope she brings you to different restaurants for a new experience. I hope she sends you stupid photos during the day of “your daily dose of Asian pose”. I hope she can hold conversations with you about society, politics, humour. I hope she takes your daughter out to the movies and buys her lunch and makes sure she has a good time. I hope she gives you a massage when your body is sore. i hope she sings for you in bed. I hope she does your laundry and cleans the house so you wouldn’t have to do it. I hope she applies for work for you and writes cover letters for you. I hope she comes to you when you say you feel sad. I hope she doesn’t have to snoop around just to get answers from you. I hope she doesn’t have to be jealous of you flirting with other women. I hope she adores you with her whole heart and mind. I hope she never gets tired of loving you. I hope she puts up with all your crap. I hope she reads and plays with your daughter and takes her to the library. I hope she doesn’t dread the day when you would push her away again. I hope she doesn’t have to think of ways to end the relationship everyday because she is unhappy but don’t have the strength to walk away. I hope she enjoys shaving your back and your bum. I hope she folds your clothes. I hope she gives you a blowj while driving. I hope she takes you to burlesque shows coz she likes theatre. I hope she’s happy. And i hope you can make her happy. And i hope she can say “I’m happy” truthfully when you ask her.

Yeh me? I’m leaving for America in 3 months for a long overdue holiday. I still think of you. But i know one day i will get over the pain and the hurt. And someone awesome will appreciate me for who and what i am.

You’re an ass that im missing like crazy. At the rate im going… it will pass and ill soon just despise you.

G