When I first met you I was immediately terrified, you were everything I wasn’t and everything I wanted to be. I was a mess, and you were, so I thought, so we’ll put together, I was mean, and you were so nice, I was addicted, and you were so clean. I looked at you like a beautiful peice in a measeum, and when you chose me, I was so surprised. I kept my walls up, as id learned to do from all the douche bags before you, but slowly you pulled them all down. I was so sure our love was the kind people wrote poems and movies about and that you were going to pull me right up on that pedastole with you and we would be married, that this was it, the real deal. Eighteen years old and already i found my soul mate. You told me all your darkest secrets and you showed me the things you hated about yourself and I loved every piece. I was completely head over heals and I thought how lucky I am to have found a nice guy who was so good looking and treated me like a queen.
I’m not really sure when everything started falling apart, I guess I’m to blame for that, you wanted me to stop doing pills but I couldn’t do it. I didn’t know how. Then you wanted to do them too… The last thing that I wanted was to be there with you, both of us high. But how could I tell you no when I couldn’t even stop myself? It didn’t take me long to see how ugly an addiction looks on someone, and we both decided to stop.
Nothing is worse than two “addicts” trying to quit together, because when one of us craved it; we both snow balled reasons why it wasn’t so bad to just do a little.
I saw parts of you when you were high that I never dreamed you could be. I guess that’s my fault for having god like standards for you. As time went on I saw things in you I wish I could erase from my memory, the night you drank a little too much and got a little too aggressive. I forgave you though, of course, I love you and I know that everyone makes mistakes, no matter how big or small.
No matter how many times you got drunk and angry I still saw the same guy I fell in love with when I looked at you.
The things I never told you though, was that I didn’t always forgive you for everything.
It started with one girl, your ex girlfriend, Courtney.
I honest to god never once had thought you would cheat on me, I thought you were too nice and you loved me too much, I guess that’s why when you told me I started seeing you differently.
I built up more and more resentment with every “I don’t know if I love you” and every “break” and every girl you kissed while we were together.
I don’t know if it’s possible to love someone and hate them at the same time, but that’s exactly how I started to feel.
I would never want to hurt you, despite all the pain you’ve caused me. I just simply love you unconditionally, I know the person you could be if you weren’t so wrapped up in your partying and drugs, I know the person underneath the mask of alcohol and pills. But I’m human too, and I can’t always be understanding.
The last time we broke up, I heard you slept with someone else. It was a big deal to me because I was the only girl you had slept with, yeah, you’d cheated before, but a kiss takes a second, this was different. I pictured me at my apartment making you a cute card out of my cousins arts and crafts, and then you in your truck with her, being too friendly, getting too close. I was so angry. You came and got your stuff that night, denying up and down anything had happened. The sad thing is I still believe you.. Even though you moved in with that same girl two days later.
I really didn’t know how to feel, what exactly is the appropriate thing to do when your heart is ripped out and stepped on a thousand times? When you begin to question everything you think you know about a person; what’s real and what’s pretend? Why would God allow me to love so deeply and then have it all burn to the ground in front of me? I did the only thing I knew how to do when I was feeling things I didn’t want to, I started doing pills again and drinking.
I started spending time with my cousin, who I love to pieces but as you know is a little too young and a little too nieve for anyone our age, and she was dating your brother.
We all three would hang out, and it was strange. It was an uncomfortable mess of me crying about you and them comforting me.
And then it started just being me and him talking.
And he would try to make me feel better, and we would talk about God and I’d ask him over and over how God could love someone as messed up as me and how he could put me through all of this and how can I be better and on and on, and every time he would have his answer ready.
I’ve never liked your brother, I’ve always thought he was disgusting, and used girls and took advantage of them when they’re drunk.
Which is still true, but I guess I started to see that there was more to him than just all the things I hated.
And when him and my cousin broke up, we hung out.
And I don’t think I can put into words how sorry I am for even confiding in him in the first place, but I am. More than I think you will ever be able to understand.
I did something that night that I’m not entirely proud of, but I don’t hate myself for.
You had moved on, and I was trying to do that to. The fact that he was your brother was never some evil plan I made up in my head, he was just there and we connected over our religion and we spilled out secrets to each other, I still to this day don’t know why, but we did.
When you asked me a few days later if anything happened between us, I couldn’t lie to you, that’s one thing that was a blessing and a curse with you, I could never lie to you. Not even over small Things. It would eat me up.
Naturally; you freaked out and called me every bad name there is, and you told me to kill myself, I felt so low and I hated myself for what I did to you and the pain I knew my poor innocent cousin would feel when you told her, so I tried.
No one knows this, but I tried twice actually.
I didn’t swerve off the road because I was drunk and going to fast, I did it on purpose, I aimed right for that drop off, but I guess my timing was off because of the Xanax and the jack Daniels and I hit a tree instead.
And all that sounds like The saddest story in the world, but that’s not why I wrote it, i wrote it because it has the happiest ending.
And ending where we both have the chance to learn from all of The things we did.
And I pray to God everyday that you learn.
I pray that you sober up and you focus on your future, and I pray you meet a girl who changes your life and likes all the things you do, who your dad loves and they sit and talk for hours, and I pray she shows you how amazing life can be and how you’re not a bad person because you have a bad past. I pray she understands you on a level that I can’t even comprehend. I pray that you sit in your truck in the morning before work and you think about how far you’ve come and how great your life is now and you smile the most genuinely happy smile in the fucking world.
I hope I find that too one day, but I’m still working on getting over the love I have for you.