Where do I begin. As I sit here typing this it is your favorite month of October. Feelings I thought I had moved past from have come back to the surface as it seems no matter where I go or what I do recently reminds me of you. I figured I’d finally try to put into words everything I have felt for the last six months or so of being apart from you. It’s funny how when you miss someone you remember only the good things about them and the worst parts of yourself. I can still remember being an average 17 year old kid looking at my facebook page probably posting about some song lyrics I thought were cool, or about bragging to my other friends how cool i was for “winning two games of BP” the weekend before. But then I noticed a friend request from a girl I did not know, who apparently lived close by and had mutual friends. Never did I think that a simple friend request would lead to me spending almost five years of my life with you.
What can I say about those four years? It all started so innocently, going out to eat almost every weekend, or watching pretty terrible rented movies down in the basement. I was so nervous to make a move in the event that I would come off as being too forward so I never did. Until one day I met you outside your job and we finally kissed, with an audience of a few people shopping in the strip mall we were in. We came such a long way since then, going to our respective proms together, spending that entire summer before we both went our separate ways to college together. I still remember how hard it was when it was finally time to say goodbye. That first night in my dorm room I cried at the thought of being apart from you. Even though we eventually would be able to see each other every few weeks or so it always seemed like an eternity. I will never forget when I showed up to your school for the first time and saw that look of excitement in your eyes and how happy you were to see me. It is moments like that I will cherish forever.
But fast forward some time and eventually things started to go wrong. We had gotten to the point where it all became too routine and not as special as it once was. You were not sure if you had feelings for someone else and we decided to take a break. We still remained in contact and went a few months before we got back together, and instantly everything felt new again. However, this too would not last for long as eventually we fell into the same routine again. And six months ago we broke up for good.
I still remember laying in your room when you first told me you were unsure of our relationship. I did not know why you would think like that. I was so confused and taken back by it I told you that if you weren’t 100% into being with me there was no reason for us to be together. Looking back now all of the signs of us growing apart were right there in front of me, and I for some time wasn’t giving you my best. I always thought when you were with someone for such a long time not a lot of effort was needed. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Loving someone is a choice, a choice a person makes every day.
Looking back on everything I do have a lot of regrets. I watched you grow from a shy catholic school girl who studied hard into the even harder working woman you are today. You matured so much, and I still was very much that immature 17 year old kid. I had a second chance to right my wrongs, but sadly it had never felt like I lost you. That cliche saying you never know what you have until it is gone is very true. I regret not listening more and often times being too focused with the physical things. Everything I took for granted about you, is what I miss the most. As i see you today with your new boyfriend the thing that keeps me up at night isn’t the reality that you are sleeping with someone else. What haunts me is that I no longer have someone who I can talk about anything with, or a second family that treated me like I was one of their own. Someone that when I looked at her I almost didn’t see another person but rather a reflection of myself. That privilege now belongs to someone else. The dreams I had of finally getting all of my shit together and starting a new chapter in our lives are now recurring nightmares of watching you start that chapter with someone else.
Despite all of this, I hope for nothing but the best for you. I always thought break ups happened when people hated each other. That wasn’t the case with us. Had we met today for the first time today in our 20’s and not teenagers maybe the end result could have been different. Nevertheless I am glad you were in my life, and I promise to never take anything or anyone for granted again. That prom night when we experienced that first time together and you made me promise to never leave you.. I can’t speak for how you feel but I want you to know that no matter what happens in my life I will carry the memories we had together with me forever.