The boy i never had

The boy i never had

The boy i never had

When you ask people about love, they’ll often tell you of a heartbreak. To me, falling in love with you was like diving into deep water. Some reach the surface cold and out of breath, while others never even make it back to the shore. I have no earthly idea where I was on that spectrum, for you made me feel as if I was a part of both. Some days were complete heaven; refreshing. Other days I was drowning. What we had was something special (at least I thought), but our friendship became unhealthy towards the end. You were the first person I actually loved and probably the last person I will fall for so foolishly because the love I had for you was so strong and pure and something that can’t even be put into words.

I hate the fact that I can’t hate you. Even after you continued to hurt me the way that you did. I know we ended on a bad note. But they always say the hottest love has the coldest end. It’s odd to think that I have become a stranger to you. I guess that’s what happens when you become so emotionally and physically involved with other people in such a short amount of time, you end up forgetting about that ONE person. We had a great bond.

If you only knew about how much you hurt me. About the pain in my lungs when I think about you. About the uncomfortable lump in my throat when I swallow back my tears. About the crippling sadness I feel when I wake up from seeing your face in my dreams. About my stomach that was once filled with butterflies from every memory of you, now filled with sharp nausea. If you only knew about how much I miss you. You promised you would always stay in touch with me. You promised a lot of things that just didn’t work out, though, I suppose.

I know you’re happy now that you’ve left me because I make everyone’s life bad. I hope you have found something worth your time, in the girl you one day will find and I hope you treat her better than you’ve ever and give her the world. Communicate, be honest, be open with your feelings, be loyal, consistent, and decisive with her because those are things that any girl wishes that they will ever have in life. I wish I had a chance to leave things on better terms with you, but you never want to fix anything with me. I never gave up on you even when I knew that I should have. You were my entire life. That isn’t something that just goes away.

Even with everyone telling me how bad that you might treat me and what i should expect, I still defend you. I still tell them that you used to be an extraordinary person. I had my very first day to myself Saturday.  I’m doing as much as I can to keep myself busy from thinking of you but I still can’t help but get reminded of you with everything I see. And I really hate it. I hate the fact that after everything, I still love you so freaking much. And I hate the fact that I know I am never going to stop. I don’t know if it matters to you, I assume it doesn’t but I’ll always want the best for you. No matter how long we’ve been apart. No matter what we did or what was said. I’ll never stop wanting the best for you.

You know, I never really wrote about my thoughts or feelings before I met you and I just feel like I should stop writing now. I wish you’d write about me like how I write about you. I will truly never understand how when breakups happen, people like you are constantly tempted into believing that they could be happier or do better. How can people grow together if they exit every relationship as soon as it gets challenging? It breaks me to say goodbye to you. In fact, I wanted every fibre of my being for us to get the chance to meet in person and be able to say that we made it through the hardship.

Thank you for wasting a few months of my life but most of all, Thank you for giving me my first experience of “love.” You treating me the way that you did will haunt me for the rest of my life. I know that I act like I don’t care about a lot of stuff but I really do and I told my whole family about you because I thought what we had was something“special”even though it obviously wasn’t to you but it was to me. Thank you for leaving me so emotionally scared. i told u all of the problems that i have ever been through and you said that you would never hurt me like they did. You were right you hurt me way worse. i hate the fact that i cant hate you for what you done. i love the fact how u say u lost feelings for me and that you don’t care about who i talk to anymore but when u find out i kissed and made out with someone else u got all mad about it. there are days when i just want to come to you and tell you everything that happened to me today and who all messed with me and hurt me in the smallest of ways. but if i do that then i realized that i would only be talking about u.

You said that you wouldn’t let allie get in between of what we had but u did exactly what u said u wouldn’t do. i still miss the hour long phone calls over nothing and me calling you to tell you that i miss you and what i done that day. i cant believe that i told my whole family about u just for you to up and leave me like u did.

The first night we got into that big argument which was 4/10/21 i went to bed as sad as could be and my mama even got up because she knew that there was something wrong with me so she took me out the next day to get food and ice cream and then we went shopping after. i know that i have done a few things to make u mad at me and i truly am sorry. i cant look at anything without it reminding me of u and i hate that so freaking much. also the facts when i am just about over u here u come again bringing all of ur charm knowing that imma fall right back under ur little spell.

Thank you for showing me what true love is and how to not trust people the way that i trusted u. i hope the next girl that u have u love her with everything in you and treat her like she is a queen and give her the world please. and if any girl and i mean any girl ever hurts u tell me and gimme their snap because u don’t deserve to be hurt and treated bad. u need the world to and never let anyone else try to tell u other wise. i know that u probably don’t want me saying this but levi i love u and i always will no matter how many times u hurt me. but imma end this here i just needed to get all of this off of my chest. thank you for showing me what true love is but also thanks for being my first real heartbreak.


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