Dear Dannie,

When you are in love with someone , there’s a sense of calmness when they are next to you. It’s like every worry is blurred for a while. You feel safe and wanted. They don’t take away all of your problems but all of a sudden you have the strength and courage to keep going because you know someone is there, to appreciate your endeavour. That’s how I’ve felt before you left.

Tonight I am wearing your white T-shirt with sulfur scent, the one you forgot in my luggage in Denmark, and I am feeling particularly nostalgic as well as a little lonely, truth be told, and I miss your hand and your voice encouraging me to reveal my thoughts. I would be literally the biggest liar in the entire world if I said, I’m not jealous of the way you are happy without me. I still (after 5 months ) find you crossing my mind through the day, wondering how you kissed me in the airport’s elevator in Copenhagen on the 12th July and told me both the differences between us or the distance are too insignificant reported to our love to be considered impediments. I can’t affirm I am still in love with you because saying this requires reciprocity but there’s something about you,and I have been struggling every day since August to figure out what it is…and I still haven’t found it yet,however I’m 100% sure it’s something that won’t ever leave my body/mind/conscience. I’m stuck behind a brick wall at which I’m staring blankly wondering how to get over it. A brick wall that comes crashing down if I touch it. At a loss for words when my parents or Adina asks how you are,I just smile and say “he’s good”. Sometimes I feel like I can’t be angry with you because we took the right decision or well, I hope so. But like when I thought about all the shit we’ve been through and how we were together, I can’t believe we weren’t made for each other.

I’ve been spending hours and hours trying to make up explanations for Deea and Tonia, to persuade them into thinking that I’m over and basically fine, listening to Adele’s last single, hoping you will message me or reading books where I thought I could find you. All those hours could have been avoided by a simply “hello”. There are many things in life that we do not understand ,times where we feel wronged, people who hurt us, and events that we wish we could reverse. But once the dust settles and time passes, there is nothing left we can truly do ,what is done is done and what has been said lingers each time we look back. Sometimes it is not about what is meant to be or any particular timing ,there is always something within us that propels us to pull the trigger and shrink away into the land of comfort,the land where we form walls that no one can touch.There’s still much work to be done in terms of self-control for me. I lost control of my emotions, and the frustration and pain of a seemingly unrequited love manifested as anger. No matter how hard I tried, every single thing I encountered brought me back to you. I couldn’t listen to “little things” without causing a heaviness to my chest. I couldn’t stop thinking about all of our plans together. When you ended it with me, I promised myself I wouldn’t hate you. I still think of our moments together. I remember every sensation, every detail and the excitement of our rushing hearts and our trembling, nervous touching, kissing, holding. The touch of your skin is so vivid in my mind. Your lips against mine was the epitome of bliss. You drove me crazy and I would’ve done anything for you. My words cannot do my grief any justice. I could write a book and you would still never know how i feel. Being concious about the fact that you won’t speak to me or will prefer to ignore me, is just suffocating me to the point of insanity. They say with time it gets easier, but for me it gets harder, however I’m conscious one day everything will be fine.

Things keep happening and I always find myself wishing I could tell you about them. I work every day to improve my English, to fill the gaps I accumulated these years. I’m not convinced whether you are the motivation or not, but it doesn’t matter anymore. I’m sorry I was depressed and suicidal. I should never have put that on you. The more I think about the past, the more I see how judgmental and unsupportive I really was. I hope you have forgiven me for that, Dannie.I’m sure you will have your best time this Christmas, sharing all the happiness with your friends. With only good and sweetness in my heart, although you left much bitterness there too, I truly wish you the best.
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Yours forever,

Joris