I’m not going to address this to you because I know that you wouldn’t read all of it or take it how I mean it, so I’m going to write it as if I’m saying it to you.
I’m 16 going on 17 and you are 22. You were my first boyfriend and my first kiss. I thought that you must have had dillusional sensibilities if you found me attractive but it felt nice so I let it happen.
We had some good laughs but there were too many problems between us; you couldn’t ever admit you may be wrong because it hurt your pride. But not nearly as much as when you couldn’t afford things, you didn’t like my background even though you didn’t know that much about it. You think I’m a spoilt rich girl but the truth is that my beginning is as humble as you aren’t. Bodybuilding is your life and that’s great because you love it, I don’t want to get in your way, so do what you love and go where you need to.
Sometimes I imagine you singing to me when I’m sad like you did to help me sleep. The truth is that despite the problems; your stubbornness and arrogance, your sister and your problems, I miss you and do love you in my way. But I can’t tell you that because I’m too proud. I can’t let myself be open to get hurt and I can’t I just can’t do this anymore. Seeing you share statuses about ex’s and ‘going it alone’ makes me sad because you want to hurt me. I feel so bad because I’ve basically said the reason we’re breaking up is because you don’t have money but that’s not the reason, the reason is because I’m not ready to be in a stable relationship; I also have uni and my a levels and my life and you just get in the way.
I wouldn’t know what to do if I bumped into you or if you messaged me. Because I don’t know how I should or do feel.
I’m guessing this is just what happens when it’s not real love. You didn’t want me you wanted your ‘ego’ rubbing and at the moment that’s all a relationship can offer you. You’re constantly fighting this intrinsic internal battle and I just wish you’d see that the world isn’t against you. If you’d just let me help? But no. So it’s done.
Eventually I might be able to kiss someone but for now I still feel like I’m yours, I don’t want to be anyone else’s I just want you to improve and be done and ready for me.
In life things are as they are not as we want them to be so
Bye S