Jan,
this letter contains no hatred, no anger and no pain, even though I feel so. Next to the shock and disappointment it is also the lost trust, the very basic of any relationship (between friends, family members,…), and the fact that as a boy who claimed and pretended very well to be an honest, fair and just man, that you lied me the whole time.
Because I can not find another reason. Why would you so heartfully, so truly speak out your love, planned on buying us a vacation, all the words you said in a manner of honesty, all the tears you cried actually even, all this bullshit you convinced me into… threatening that if anything happens to me, you could just easily cut your throat…
Just a week. One week, and from this you “don’t feel anything to me anymore”. Cowardly having me pull it outta you like an actor on a stage, creating silence to give it effect, like in a TV show. Enjoying another part of this performance, like Batman’s Joker pulling another ace out of your sleeve. “Watch me, dear ego of mine, as I finish this marvelous game of a broken heart I’ve been hauled through five years ago by a different girl, watch the dying animal writhe on the floor and cry out all the pain, pleasure yourself – this is what you went through yourself.”
Yes. You fell into deppressions so deep, and I know well becoz I were pulling you out. I lost a good dose of my life energy on saving you becoz I believed that you, a man of manners, of truth, of a great imagination, deserve with your potentials to live. I knew I could never hope you’d love me back, but you told me so. After I watched you raise from the ashes, you fell to my knees crying of guilt and shame, apologizing, showing love.
What happened. That you after a year of this sweet dream and miracle for me you just one week let me get angry on you for showing no interest, no effort in a relationship at all, a week after I believed everything is alright.
And out of all reasons I could better understand, another girl you fell in love with (yeah, we haven’t seen each other for a month), you would stop being interested a long time ago, if I with all my empathy that saved your damn life would sense that it’s not working well, I would be able to reason this to myself.
But your false silence, movie break up lines, the tons of pure BULLSHIT you had me hear.
Oh I hope you scream in silence of your soul and pity your fucking games you played with me. Oh I wish all the glass flowers I ever gave you and you needed will someone poison by the falseness, some cheap girl will whisper you what I was saying with such a sacrifise, and she’ll go just for the advantages of having a boyfriend like you.
You’ll remember me, one day, a girl who silently smiled with your uncertainty in a relationship, a girl who never demanded flowers becoz she knew you’re not for such kind of things, a girl that had you have all the time in the world you needed.

AND HOW DID YOU REPAY ME!!!

Do you have no respect to me? Am I just a towel that you cleaned your dick in after being lifted by the endorphines?

Where is your love. Where are your words of not being able to live without me, where are the long gazing looks. Where are your eyes that looked so, so, so damn truthful.
Like a snake you hypnotized me. Like a filthy cold snake you lied on my chest as if made of the heaviest metal.

I wish the flames of my fire burned you, burned you badly.

I wish you’d stand up as a man and show that you at least behave to me and think of me as of the one, who did what I did, after all what I went through in my own life.

Go drink yourself to death, go smoke out your lungs so you can’t poison anyone else anymore. Somebody so poor to have met you.
And I dare you to ever, ever come closer to anyone I love. My sister. I dare you to take the only dear thing on this world I have left. I will come and I will kill you, if you ever hurt her or use her in any way. We both know I am the one who does things.

I want to get rid of the horrible anger in me that is here. The terrible pain you created, and were succesfully creating over, over and over again.

I want to hurt you. I want to come to you and slap your face. I want to show you that I am no such rag you obviously think I am.

I am what you used to call me. So you can imagine the revenge I want to take on you. You can imagine the torture.

Die. Please, die for me. I don’t want to know that you walk on this world, happy laughing with friends while you fucked me off like this. After all your emotional soul has let me to believe in you.
Christ. You really do bring up the worst in me after throwing away all the good I gave you.
Good job. Psychopath.