I did not want this to end without the opportunity to share my thoughts on all you have done. You might not even open the envelope. You might not even get past this sentence. You might share this with Wavy and give each other a high five for your two year long deceit of seven innocent people two women and their children. I don’t care. This letter i
s for me – not you.
For two years you told me you loved me; you told me you wanted a life with me and my kids; you told me we mattered to you and for two years you have been a daily part of my life.
For these same two years you have been living a double life; you have been lying to me and my kids; you’ve been making a life with two different families and you’ve been pretending to be someone you are not. I have been trying to see what clues I might have missed. This is all I’ve come up with:
1. When you introduced me to David at your mom’s funeral and he said “which one is this?”
2. During the year you were a drunk and at your house – you sent me a text at midnight asking if you can come over
3. During the year you were a drunk and at your house – after talking to me on the phone and saying good-night you didn’t hang up right away – I heard you yell to someone that your “brother wants to go on a date with your sister”
4. And of course, those times you would disappear and not contact me for a day or two.
But honestly with the exception of the last item, these are small things and only visible with 20/20 hindsight. You must have other times you felt like something slipped but if so I didn’t notice them. You are really good at lying and deceiving those you profess to love.
First and most importantly – fuck you for messing with my kids hearts. Making them feel like they had someone they could depend on; someone who was going to be there in their lives. They didn’t share a Christmas with their dad because of you. My daughter didn’t have her dad at her 18th birthday dinner because of you. Because like that birthday and the two Christmas’s,
my kids stood up for you. And you just sat there and you let it all happen – like you actually deserved it. Fuck you for breaking their hearts and showing them how cruel and awful a person can be. That life lesson is meant to be taught by some stranger in a dark alley – not by someone they loved and trusted – and certainly not by someone their mother brought into their lives.
You are an expert liar. We (Ruth and I and our kids) are surely not the first or the last of your victims. Seeing Ruth’s FB posts and seeing what you were texting me when you were actually with her:
- telling me you were working so hard on the job
- that it was taking longer than expected
- that you missed me and loved me and couldn’t wait to see me
- that stupid “love you madly miss you sadly” crap
All while you were with her and doing the exact same horrible thing to her.
You do not know how to love. But for a minute, let’s pretend you do. Let’s pretend that you actually did love me these last two years as you professed you did and that you always would on August 14th , when we held each other tightly and we both sobbed knowing it was over… but me not yet knowing exactly why because you were too much of a coward to tell me. What woman would really want your love Russ? Your definition of love includes lies, infidelity, and incredible deceit on an overwhelming scale.
You are a coward.
I did not know this about you until that night Ruth knocked on my door and you wouldn’t tell me why. And I knew it with certainty when you came to my house on August 14th and still did not have the courage to tell me the truth. But I realize now only too late that I didn’t really know you at all. You are not at all the man you led me to believe you were.
When I broke up with you because you were a drunk – why did you cry? Why did you ask me to please wait for you to get sober? Why did you send me this text? “Just wanted to say I love you. All I wanted in my life is someone to love me for me. I always wanted that person to be there and say I love you when I come in the door. I’m sorry you have seen some of the bad side of me. I promise a great life. I will take care of my demons. I love you and the kids so much. I will step up and be a man and end this addiction. I just want to know you are in my corner. No response is needed. I know you are there for me.” Why did you s
end this to me when you were also seeing someone else?
You weren’t there for me when my mom was dying. Why the hell did you ask me to come to your mom’s funeral? I washed your mom’s hair. What were you doing when my mom was in the hospital?
I had something in my gratitude jar about you. It was a memory of me on top of you whilewe were making love. I had my eyes closed and when I opened them you were lying there on your back with one hand behind your head and the other holding my hip looking at me with this amazing look of love on your face…really… it was a beautiful look Russ. But it was a lie. You did
not love me. It was not love.
Nothing that’s happened these last two years means anything to me anymore:
not that gratitude jar entry
not the man in the restaurant taking the time to stop and tell us he’s never seen two people more in love
not the multiple times you told me the only first kiss you remember is mine
not all the times you cried out my name when you came
not all the times you looked at me with love
not all the times you told me you loved me
not all the times you told me how great I felt in your arms
These are all irrelevant and meaningless to me now. They are all born from your lies.
What was going through your head during rehab and all those AA meetings? A time when you reflect on who you are and what drives you to do things you shouldn’t. How many times did you say this out loud?
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference
How could you go through all of that and not think about the kind of man you are and what you were doing to me and my kids? When you finally got in touch with me after rehab you texted me “I will be a better man”. What is your definition of a better man Russ? Where was that courage to change the things you can? Why didn’t you just break up with me after rehab?
You were awful by not responding to me when my mom was dying. And yet I forgave you because you were doing exactly what I had asked of you; to put your well being first and foremost. I just didn’t realize your definition of well being included putting your dick in someone else. I mean, really… why would I? I was so proud of you for going through rehab and actually getting sober. But you were seeing her throughout those weeks you were shutting me out… during the weeks my mom was wast
ing away and dying and I was reaching out to the man I loved with such desperation… only to get silence. Why did you let us get back together?
What did you think about when you were alone these past two years? In the shower; driving your truck; laying tile; the times when you were alone with your thoughts… did you think about the two of us… did you think about what you were doing to us? Did you realize it was wrong? Did you even care?
You did not deserve me for one minute of the time we were together Russ. You lost the best thing that ever has or will happen to you. I believe nothing you have ever said to me. I do not mourn the loss of the real you. I mourn the loss of the man I thought you were. I was in love with the man you pretended to be – an imaginary person. But my love was real – even if the person I gave it to was not. I loved this man with passion, kindness, patience, selflessly, with forgiveness and with reckless abandon.
Last but not least, fuck you for messing with my heart – for telling me you loved me – for making me believe it. You are a horrible person and you played me so well:
You made me think you were a nice guy
You pretended to be vulnerable
You told me every woman you’ve cared about has hurt you
You told me you were afraid I was the one who was going to hurt you
You told me you would never, ever cheat
You made me feel loved, wanted and cherished
You made me feel like I was the only person in the world who mattered to you
All of this while having a relationship with Ruth and telling her the exact same bullshit. Fuck you for making me believe all that. And fuck you for stealing two years of my life.
I can continue to spend minutes, hours, days, weeks or even months over analyzing this; trying to put the pieces together, trying to figure out what could’ve, would’ve happened… or I can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on. I want you to look at my signature and know that the moment the pen left the paper I had moved the fuck on.