You were my first. You were my first crush. You were my first kiss. You were my first love. You were my first everything. Remember when we went from childhood sweethearts to boyfriend and girlfriend? Remember when you used to look at me with eyes full of love and talk about our dreams for our future? Remember how everyone around us used to believe that we were real, that we were forever? Remember how much we taught each other and how we brought out the best in each other? Remember everything we used to do together?
Remember when you threw it all away? Remember when you cheated on me? Remember when you moved on to her right after we broke up? Which is why now, I’m forced to sit here wondering, how could you?
How could you lead me on for months, pretending you still have feelings for me? How could you go see her behind my back and never want to spend time with me? How could you let me spend every last ounce of energy trying to deal with your endless mood swings, trying to get acquainted with your newfound interests, trying to ignore every warning sign in hopes for the best, trying to fix us? How could you?
I get it. You moved far away to college, I stayed in high school. You lived in dorms, I lived at home. You got a summer job, I went on a summer trip. You became an adult, I stayed a child. You yearned for nature, I yearned for the culture. Your interests changed, mine stayed the same. Everything that once brought us together now tore us apart. You moved on, I didn’t.
Our circumstances were dismal. While the child in me yearned for everything to become fixed and lead the path to our fairytale ending, the adult in me understood that things were coming to an end. If our relationship had ended on the notion that due to our unfortunate circumstances and our bad timing, we couldn’t work out, I would be content. I would be able to move on. Maybe I wouldn’t be this heartbroken at how fast you moved on. Maybe we would still even be friends…
But that’s not what happened. You met her. I don’t know when, I don’t know how,
I don’t know for how long your feelings for her have been going on. All I know that is you ran to her while you still had me. She’s in college. She lives in dorms. She has a summer job. She’s an adult. She yearns for nature. She shares your interests. Everything that tore us apart brought you together. You moved on, I didn’t. I stayed to fight for our relationship, you left. You didn’t have to bring her into this? How could you?
I don’t know when I’ll be able move on. I don’t know when I’ll be able to go on a date without thinking about you. I don’t know when I’ll be able to trust someone again. I thought you loved me. Maybe not for a while now but at least for part of our relationship, you did. You were the person most important to me, which is why your betrayal hurt the most. You ruined my dreams for the future. You showed me nothing was real for you. You taught me that love is just betrayal. Which is why I’ll probably never stop asking, how could you?