I hate you but I (still) love you so much more

I hate you but I (still) love you so much more

I hate you but I (still) love you so much more

LTME-postHi,

Nothing.

Everything.

Why can’t I feel anymore? I miss you so much, I hate you. I don’t care about you. I don’t want you.

I’m sorry. I hate you. I actually hate you. I hated you so much. I hated you all along. But I wanted your hair. I lusted after you, everything you looked like you were to me. I got close, I snatched, I caught you by the mouth, I wiled at my catch, like a fisherman next to a wild salmon, not that you were that hard to catch.

You don’t matter to me anymore.

I ate you down to the bones and wanted to bring you back to life. I wanted a meal when you should’ve been a love.

You don’t even exist anymore. Not in my world. How can I live? How…?

Why do I keep making you mean something? Making something mean something out of what we had?

I miss you.

I miss our life together.

I miss the laughter, the life, the meaning, the pain, the lovingness, the kindness, the sweetness, the gentle and quiet moments, the quiet that I used to share with you.

I am not alive anymore.

I was never capable of loving you, but you were capable of loving me all along. Tolerating my bullshit as it took the shit out of you, took the light out of you, took the love out of you.

I hope you live a life I never see, one so beautiful that you can’t contain the joy.

I wish you the best of joy, the best of life, the quiet moments, the joy, the contentment, someone who means something to you.

I’m mostly guilty that I didn’t see how precious you were to me before it was too late, before you decided you loved yourself more than you loved me.

And that’s good. Hate me all you want. I don’t want you to, but you will.

I hate you.

Don’t remember that.

Love,
me again

4 Comments

  1. alana 4 years ago

    this one hits home for me. im on the phone with my ex of four years as i type this. he is demeaning, nasty, insulting, and just plain condescending. i cant explain why i am still in love with him as deeply as before after five months of not seeing each other. it makes me sick to my stomach. i truly hope you feel differently than you did when posting this letter. nobody deserves to live in agony loving the same person that they despise. it is a disease, a curse. it makes me want to rip my heart out or drive off a cliff. yet whenever i see his name i get those same butterflies in my stomach and my chest tightens just like before. i wish i could get over this feeling. it seems as if this is ripping my soul in two. i dont even know what to feel. almost a year after our demise i still feel weak and as heartbroken as the first day. i think i will live with this feeling forever. i truly want to die.

  2. Jane 4 years ago

    This is messed up

  3. Mel 4 years ago

    What is going on with this letter? So confusing

  4. Not me 4 years ago

    Its beautiful.. Thanks

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