When we first broke up everyone said ‘Time Heals Everything,’ but in our case what time really did was reveal what I was to blinded by love to see…. or accept.
I’ve been busy these last three years. I fully embrace every day, I live life to the fullest, I’ve traveled the world, I have a ton of friends who have become family, I’ve had passionate affairs with sophisticated and charming guys from London, Argentina, Italy, Netherlands, all over. My life is better then I could have imagined.
As amazing as my life is, three years later, I am petrified of being in a relationship because of you. Three years later and I am too afraid to have sex with someone I have feelings for, and only give it up for guys I find attractive but know I don’t care about and cant get attached to. Three years later and I feel safer thinking that I’ll never have a real connection to anyone. Three years later and I hear your voice telling me I need to loose weight, I have duck lips, I have an ugly nose, a weird smile, wear too much makeup, that I don’t show my boobs enough, that my eyes are creepy, that I should skip dessert, that I don’t wear enough designer clothing, that my skin is too pale, that I’ll never be good enough.
I would go to the gym everyday, pay a fortune for my personal trainer, and throw up after every meal. I looked in the mirror and saw an ugly girl who was fat and unworthy of your love and attention. Now I look back and can’t believe how tiny I was, 110 lbs, and I thought I was huge.
For that small time we would talk after breaking up I wanted to come off unaffected by you, like it was no big deal, and I deeply regret it. It took me a while to build myself back up, and it wasn’t until then that I started seeing you for who you really are. I cared about you more then anything, I would have done whatever you wanted to make you happy, and in return you tortured me for it. When I would show self respect and leave, you couldn’t handle the rejection and would drag me back, just to abuse me more. You should have to feel the damage you did, how low you made my self esteem, and how much help I needed after dating someone like you, your conscious should feel the weight of it. You are a monster, and don’t deserve to think that I still miss you, that I would get back with you in a heartbeat, that I still think about the good times we had.
You’re afraid of being alone, so I’m sure you have a girlfriend now, and I pray to God that all the manipulation and sick mind games you played on me, that you don’t do to her. I hope no other girl has to deal with the narcissistic, selfish, zero confidence, pathological lying, freak that I had to.
What gives me peace of mind is knowing that sure there are still cracks, but I was able to pick up the major pieces and glue myself back together. That the kindness, care, loyalty, and love you resented me for possessing, are qualities that gave me my big support group of friends and family who love me and helped me bring myself back. That I can be single, and yet I will never go through life alone and unloved. I know there’s a bigger picture and ultimately the price you have to pay is much deeper then anything you made me endure. See the reflection you you see in the mirror, going the rest of your life being you, that is the price you pay.