All of this is so hard for me for so many reasons. I love you so much. In the beginning I didn’t think you would matter to me but you just came into my life and I fell so hard for you. You have this way of always making things better. Whenever I was with you things were always better. It’s going to be hard to be without you. Our lives are going to change so much. Especially mine after I graduate college. I don’t know where I’m going after may if I end up farther from you or closer I won’t be doing that for you I’d be doing it for me. When we talked you made it seem like I saw us long termed and I had our entire future planned out. But I just want to clarify that I wouldn’t have changed my life for you, and our relationship wasn’t unfair to me. Whatever decision I would have made if I would have gone to LA anyways that would have been for me and my growth as a human. I would have thought of you in my decision making but the decision would be based on my being. I’m not mad at you for ending it. I understand that you’re going through a lot and you need to figure things out on your own. I just wish things didn’t have to end this way. I understand that you said just because things aren’t over now it doesn’t have to be over in the future and that you want contact still. Believe me I do too but I can’t do that. This is it. I’m always going to be giving more of myself away to you. I always want to be in bed with you and feeling you inside me. I always want to tell you that I love you. I’ll say that I’m okay with the breakup and I still want to see you. Just so we can be together. But we wouldn’t be together because it’s over. I feel that is a double edged sword for me because I’ll still be giving myself away to you and I wouldn’t be getting anything back in return. I can’t do that to myself that would be me waiting around for you. I want to be living my life. So it’ll probably be better for us or me at least to cut all contact. I need all the space from you that I can get so I can be myself again. Being with you has changed me in so many ways. I can’t explain it but I think your personality has rubbed off on me. I think you’re amazing in so many ways and there’s so many things that I love about you. I love how passionate you are about your music. I love how creative you are. I love how you make me feel when we kiss because it always felt so right to kiss you and to be in your arms. I always loved how serious you were in life but that you could be super weird too. I love your laugh. I also love how you would smile at me. There’s so many things that I love I couldn’t fit it on this piece of paper but I want to tell you what I love most about you. You’re always yourself. You’re so confident in life and you just have this way about you that makes you such a beautiful person. I’m so happy that you were in my life and I’m so happy that I got to experience you. I hope you don’t change that one thing about you. I’m so excited for you. You’re twenty and your life is going to be forever changing. I hope it takes you to wonderful places. I just want you to know I’m not cutting you out of my life to get back at you I just have to do this so I can learn how to be happy without you. I just want to make myself happy again. Maybe in a year we might be talking again but I know for right now I need to not have any contact with you. I need to find myself again, and to be confident again. I can’t do that if we remain friends. I don’t know if you’ll understand but it just seems like the best decision for me. I’m done worrying about things that I can’t control. I can only control my actions and how I handle this breakup. I hope everything you want in the next few months do happen. I just want happiness for the both of us. I hope you find balance between life and school. I was single for all of college before you. During that time I was able to find the person that I wanted to be, and I learned so much about myself. I feel like I no longer know myself anymore. I’ve been involved with you for the past year. I forgot things about myself during that time. I forgot how to find happiness on my own. I found so much happiness with you that I allowed myself to forget what happiness was from within me. I’m sorry for all of my insane moments I was trying to hold onto our relationship. You were being real with yourself. This is how I’m being real with myself by writing everything I couldn’t say to you in a letter. When we talked yesterday, and you said it’s over I was taken back. I didn’t have the courage to tell you that I don’t want to be friends or that I can’t cut all contact with you. I was trying to hold onto the little piece of you that I could. It’s better for me this way. I love you as a person I care for your wellbeing and your dreams. I have to put myself first. So goodbye.
It just wasn’t the right time for us.