My unaccepted apology

My unaccepted apology

My unaccepted apology

I know I went off the rails with you, and for that I’m genuinely sorry. You took me by surprise, and I wasn’t prepared for it. I thought things were going well, and I had no idea you didn’t feel the same. I know I acted pretty insane when you ended it — I’m only human, after all — but now that I’m myself again, I want you to know that even though I’m sorry that I acted crazy, it was just because I actually gave a shit about you.

You totally blindsided me and I had no time to think. When you stopped answering my calls and just wouldn’t talk to me I got nervous — and rightfully so. I was having so much fun with you and I thought you were too, but as it turns out, my crazy button was activated on a gut feeling. I knew you were pulling out; I just couldn’t admit it or rationalize it to myself.

Sometimes people get irrational. Let’s be real here – when people catch feelings, all common sense goes out the window. I didn’t wake up one day and decide I was going to flip the switch, it just kind of happened. A feeling inside me took over and I temporarily spaced out on my sanity. I’m truly sorry about that. I told you I generally kept a lid on feelings and emotions. That lid came off for you. I’m sorry.

I did completely believe that you cared about me in some way, shape or form. I didn’t just imagine the click between us — you played a part in it, too. The times we spent laughing and sneaking kisses between sentences while cuddling next to each other were all moments that led me to fall for and trust you more. Oddly, despite the circumstances of whatever we were, I trusted you implicitly. Which doesn’t make sense even to me. We were connecting and it was meaningful — at least for me it was. I thought what was happening between us meant something to you, too. In some way.

I only power called and text messaged because you went mute. Immediately after walking out the door. When I blew up your phone, I admit that was definitely insane on my part. Thankfully, that didn’t last forever and I eventually gave up, but you should know that the only reason I felt desperate to reach out to you was because I was in denial about the way you were ending it I guess. An ending I didn’t want with you with whatever this was. In hindsight, I’m not sure what would have been better — for you to pick up and give me the brutal truth, or for me to stop trying. In the end, it would have all been the same either way. I know that now. Please believe me whatever your last message was in connection with it was not me. I am sorry if it was inadvertently caused by me but it was not me. That is not me.

I need more closure than you gave me. You didn’t give me any closure at all. You walked out of here albeit upset with me which I didn’t see at the time. But I wish we could have had a better ending than the way things turned out.

I wish we parted ways peacefully, but I realize with my behaviour at the time, it wasn’t completely possible. On the other hand, you could have manned the fuck up and ended things thoughtfully instead of brushing me off like yesterday’s news. Instead, you chose to treat me like I was nothing, and it made me lose my mind. Can you really blame me for going a little rogue? Given the circumstances.

I wanted things with whatever this was to work between us. This was new territory for me. I did not handle myself greatly but the whole thing between us took me by surprise. I wasn’t asking for you to leave home or to change your status quo but I really thought things wIth whatever we were could work in some way. To be fair your stories about your friends in Bouremouth I think it is gave me the impression thats what you were considering. Time with you, talking of doing stuff even the whole potential of dragging you to Ireland – it got me really excited and gave me that extra little something in my life to look forward to. When that option came to a screeching halt and you closed the curtains before the main show, it really hurt me. Do you know I had even asked about renting a place over there. I enjoyed time with you. More so just the time with you chatting.

I’m owning my crazy. Look, you weren’t perfect either, but I know the story you’ll tell everyone else. I was the crazy one, I’m a psycho… I know what men say. I know what you’ve said and by your actions. I’ll be the first to admit I definitely wasn’t of sound mind when things ended between us, but my crazy didn’t come out of nowhere. It was for a reason, and it’s just unfortunate that it was a reason I couldn’t control at the time.

I’m sorry you think I’m insane. I know you think I’m batshit crazy based on the last side of me you saw, but deep down, I know you remember all the rest. I know you remember the sweet woman who was there for you, who cared about you, was affectionate and who went above and beyond just to put a smile on your face. I know you remember the other, rational, fun loving and completely tame sides of me, too. So, let’s not pretend that the label I deserve is the crazy one, because you know there’s more to me than that one moment in time.

I just really liked you is all. I really liked us. It’s been a while now, and even though we’ve both left a bitter taste on each other from the way things went down, I want you to know that I really did/do like you. And even if I’m not the one who will make you happy in the end, there was a time I wished I was. It made me a little bit crazy, but it’s only because I actually give a shit about you. I still do but know that you hate me. That is one of my biggest regrets. And yes I am still struggling with this because you mattered and we clicked. I lost a friend.

I hate the fact you hate me. And no there is nothing I can do about it because you will not let me.

Whatever else we had a connection. And yes I know I overthink, negative and overanalyse. I’m female that’s what we do. But above all else I had your back. I’m so sorry I made you feel unwelcome here too. That I know is all my own fault. I just didn’t deal very well.
Please just remember the other sides of me as well as the rogue sides. Stop labelling me.

Mental connection = Friendship
Physical attraction = Lust
Friendship + Lust = Romantic attraction.

If both people are romantically attracted to one another=Click.

We clicked. And you know it.

Be kind and be compassionate. At the end of the day I would have tried to stop the world for you. I do not deserve this contempt. I believed what you said. More fool me.

Above all else be happy. I want you to be happy. Im now done. The stress of this is too much. Its cost me too much. Just be happy. I hope the new year brings you all you dream of.


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