This is a letter I sent to my friend, someone I met at work in a collaboration when she came to Mexico (around 6 weeks), someone amazingly perfect because of her soul and personality. I fell in love with her slowly but incredibly deeply. We hold a friendship relationship through the distance by what’s app for months till I finally told her what she made me feel. By then I had quite my job and she was starting a divorce process. I never thought I was going to have a chance with her at the beginning when I decided to talk to her because I couldn’t content what I felt for her. There were a long list of inconveniences like she was 12 hours away from me, she was from a different culture (European), she was married by the time (now she’s divorced) but no one of them were a stop if she felt something than just a friendship feeling for me. Unfortunately, despite she has a great appreciation for me, she doesn’t love me back. It was confusing for me since I thought she was going to stop me right there when I confessed my love to her but she didn’t, she said she was confused and asked me to give her some time to think about… Who says that if doesn’t feel anything for the other one? Finally, she said she couldn’t make me think there was going to be something more than a great friendship between us… of course she didn’t want to loose my friendship so I accepted after many many argues and emotional conflicts (by me). We had good and bad times during about 9 months after my confession but what really breaks my heart is that she makes me feel the most ordinary person in the world to her, that’s something I can’t understand when she says I’m a dear friend to her and that she loves me too (what I interpret as a friend love). I’m too sensitive, extremely sensitive maybe because I couldn’t understand how someone who says that is not able to reply your txts, to have a call with you, to text you more often so I couldn’t hold on anymore and after the last 3 months keeping myself away I decided to end our friendship this way…

Hey baby,
It’s been hard to be away from you. Here, thinking of you, loving you from the distance, from the silence, missing you every day, every night, trying to convince myself that being away is the best for both of us. No, I haven’t forgotten you at all. I won’t ever. I already have a new number and my also my old number back and reset but this was the reason for not coming back by what’s app even when I die to talk to you again. I miss you so much.
I can’t be around anymore honey! Still not ready and never will be ready to be close to you in the way I was, in the way you want, just as a friend, I want more than a -how have you been? question time to time or a quick catch up in txt by what’s app, not even a call… I want to be with you, for you. I want you, want to hug you, want to hold you at night, want to feel you and you to feel me, want to have dinner with you, want to go out for running with you, want to cook with you and for you, want to wake you up with a cup of cappuccino coffee on weekends, want you to feel comfortable with me, want you to feel my love in every touch of hands, in every hug, in every look, in every smile, want to make you laugh and hear you laughing every day, want to fill you up, to fill up your life, your days, want to fill each other up in the way we know, because it is the way we are, want to have long conversations about everything and anything with you, want you to enjoy your freedom because we both are too independent so we need time and space alone, want to love you in a million ways but most importantly honey…
I want YOU to be happy and I’m almost sure I’m not the one you choose to share your life with. Please, don’t get mad at me or get disappointed of me. I’m sorry if I have misunderstood something but I’m too direct and I understand almost in the same way, you have to be very specific when you mean something, I’m still immature, I can’t handle my feelings and emotions pretty well yet, I wish I could keep being just your friend and so, but what I feel for you is much bigger than me.
You were right, I’m too intense, I’m too sensitive, I’m too many things… sorry, that’s me. I cannot change that, I guess… I don’t want to change that, not completely, I mean… this is the way I am, this is the way I love, too much, this is what I feel… too much. It can be a curse but it’s also a blessing… feeling such beautiful and immense love for someone. You cannot see what’s inside but this is huge and it is true. It’s just that I’m the wrong person at the wrong time for you…
I’m hurting myself and hurting you or making you feel bad sometimes (not sure how many but I’ve done it) with my reactions or words, even when I try to take care of it, you know that, just like you didn’t want to hurt me and still there’s nothing you can do to avoid it because I’m the one who is wrong, not you.
Life challenged us to deal with this to learn from each other and as everything in life, to take the best from it. I’ve learned so much from you, personally and professionally and I’m grateful for having met you. You shined my life at different levels. You created such beautiful and wonderful feelings on me! You supported me and encouraged me so much, more than I did by myself. Grateful for having made us crossed in this life path.
Just remember you’re here to be happy, to love and to be loved with heart and soul baby. No matter who’s with you, loving you, now or then, if you’re alone, if you’re back with him or if there’s a lucky guy with you. You deserve the best and I wish you get it at every level. Never accept less than what you deserve. Take everything that is not making you happy away from you, you won’t regret it. It might be painful but it’s necessary, you know it.
I’m sorry, for not being able to stick around as a friend of you forever as I promised. I could wait for you as long as you need but that’s not the problem, my main and only inconvenience is that you don’t want my love. You will always accept everything I want, I know, because you respect my decisions even when I’d wish you didn’t. But please, know this is not what I want, this is what I have to, in order to protect us from each other.
Love doesn’t have to be asked for or begged to anyone, what is meant to be for you, it will be but sadly and def you’re not for me even when I’m sure I’m for you.
Baby I do know you love me, what I mean when I say you don’t want my love is that you don’t want to be with me. Staying away from you breaks my heart because you really shine my life, my days even with the little time we could share by what’s app but I just can’t keep going when I’m where I’m not needed. It might sound like drama (again) or an exaggeration but as you said I’m too sensitive and you are what I want, a chance with you and I’m far, far away from that.
3 months away from you that seemed like an eternity to me, I don’t know how it was for you, i just can’t imagine how a whole life without you will be like. But I have to let you go, for your best and mine. You really don’t need this in your life, the friendship yes, it might be good but not the plus (me in love with you).
I’m still falling asleep thinking of you every night… God! I love you so much. I still can’t understand how someone could ever let you go having you in his life, having your love. If there’s no other way than loving you back, take care of you and making you happy for the rest of the life.
It’s useless and always will but I love you.
Please, take care of yourself. Don’t worry about replying if you’re going to say good bye or that you respect my decision, I appreciate that but please, don’t say it. Believe it or not your words will hurt, they’re hurting already. I know it baby, no worries. I’d wish to have met you in another life where I could love you as I dream to.
Always going to be you…

I love you