This is just too much to forgive

This is just too much to forgive

This is just too much to forgive

LTME-postDear JP,

Man this is rough. Everything with us was always relatively cordial and mature. We treated our friendship and our relationship like a piece of glass. We were ever so careful not to break us. We understood that our fights had long lasting effects so we tried to sugar coat and avoid having them as much as possible. We understood that depression is a disease that rears its ugly head at the most inconvenient times and that the person you become during those dark times isn’t why you really are. I understood that you needed help and guidance and to be taken care of. I wanted to be that person who helped you be the man you wanted to become. I dealt with the grief everyone put me through for babying you too much or being too pushy because you knew my true intentions and that’s all that mattered. When the distance became too much and depression overtook us it was the most unbearably raw pain I had ever felt. Here are these two people who love each other so genuinely and purely, that everyone thought “these two are gonna make it through it all”. You were my person and my best friend and we decided that wasn’t going to change before we broke up. This break up was as amicable as it could be. Our countless conversations and promises that we were going to stick by each other and get the closure we needed and not change ourselves afterwards. I was so safe with you always.

Now my worst fear, as you damn well know, is the people in my life pulling the rug out from under me. Looking into someone eyes and seeing that they simply aren’t the same person anymore. It’s truly a loss. You knew how that would impact me. You knew the second you started to pull away and resist me how deep of a cut that would be. I kept warning you too; “the elevator door is about to close”, “you’re about to lose me”. I know it was and still is the depression taking over your mind, body, and soul and I would’ve continued sacrificing myself and my feelings to support and love you through it all. So why did you ruin it all last night? Why did you look me in the eye and tell me my best friend was coming to stay with you in a month? That she was looking at schools and she needed a place to crash. Neither of you thought to ask me if that was okay. She’d almost broken us up before, being well V. V, no matter how much I love her, is a self sabotaging, dishonest, impulsive, aggressive, and truly hurtful friend. So I expected this from her but you? You know what she’s done to her own boyfriend and old friends. You know the wonderful anecdotes and stories. So how? When you know all this, how could you look me in my face and say you didn’t know it would be a big deal? I’ve justified all of the jabs you’ve taken at me the last couple months. I’ve defended you on more occasions than I can count and I’d do it all over again, but this I can’t justify. How you could be so blind and inconsiderate? How you didn’t think about my feelings when all I think about are yours? It’s not just some surface petty bullshit of whether I think you guys would sleep together. It’s being lied to and being betrayed and not even being relevant enough for you to think about. It’s that I’ve been extremely considerate and open about everything and everyone that has come after you. The thing is I wanted to be your friend and one day be in the same place at the same time again. I wanted to always be patient and be the bigger person to make sure we didn’t lose each other because at the end of the day petty squabbles are just not worth losing each other. But this is just too much to forgive. It’s just selfish, careless, and unkind. You left me feeling unsafe and naive and really blindsided. I can’t feel safe with you anymore. You broke the glass.


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