To the father of my children,
For the 3 yrs we were together, i didn’t really get the chance to express myself much. Because i was tormented by the happenings around us. We were both married to someone else when we first met in nov 2014. U were just helping me out then and suddenly in feb 2015,we re-contacted again as i needed an info from u. I didn’t have any ulterior motives. Because i was devoted to my husband still. But slowly and steadily, our conversations just advanced to deep and emotional topics. We clicked right away. Our thoughts and feelings were complementing each other’s.
As time goes by and the feelings grew deeper, jealousy started to kick in and possessiveness controlled ourselves. We started becoming more and more blunt to the outside world, ignoring the fact that our relationship was just wrong. We were in our own world. But couldn’t care less anyway. You introduced me to your family and everything just hit the right spot right away. We were happy.
And when we met, we’d joke the day away, kissed deeply and hugged tightly. That, to me, was and will be irreplaceable. No one can ever hug me the way u did. And i’m not looking forward for another hug because right now, i am really afraid to surrender my heart to anyone else.
The way u treated me right was all buried in my heart. U said i didn’t notice your kindness. But i did. I did and appreciated it. The way i gave it back to you was from my gestures. When you were sick i didn’t mind having a sleepless night. I just wanted u to be well. When you were ranting about work, i listened patiently via phone. U said i didn’t respect u but actually i did. I didn’t do it in front of u but i defended u during ur absence. When people judged u,i fought for u. I denied every words. But little did i know u were doing the opposite. 🙁
U asked me why i kept on raking the past. Because the ur past is currently with u presently. I told u many times i am disturbed because u wanted me to change the way i am. But the way i am was because of your actions. Why cant u change your actions? U said everything u did was unavoidable. U had to. So what am i to do? When i was angry and upset u didn’t make me feel better. U just had to rub salt into the wound. U would criticize me and say i am being unreasonable. But how could i tolerate an ex wife sleeping in your house when there’s no one else around but only u and ur 2 toddlers? They don’t even know whats happening!
Have u ever spared a thought about my insecurities? Have u ever thought of my feelings when u were at home on ur off days? Have u put urself in my shoes with this 6 months pregnant belly and crazy emotions going on ? U never.
U never really understood my actions but u judged me anyway.
U thought i acted that way because i am a selfish, insolent and rude woman. But remember who i was when u first fell in love with me. That is me. U never made the effort to connect what happened in our relationship to my behavioural problems. U just labelled me.
I don’t mind u not caring about our first child. But u treated me worst this time when i’m pregnant with ur 2nd child. Somehow or rather this baby is giving me strength to just go on even though i might spend my last trimester trying to just get over what has happened. It wouldn’t be as hard if we didn’t have any children. Now i’m sitting here and thinking why and how. And what ifs. While u are there, just trying to fix whatever’s broken between u and ur ex wife plus your children with her. U said u just started caring aboutt ur 2 children with her. As if the 2 with me don’t deserve any love from a father at all.
At the end of this whole thing, when i am officially out of your life and there are no more news from me, u will realize one day how much i have gone thru for you. I took the responsibility of taking care of ur 2 children without asking a cent from u. And i did not disturb u ever since we weren’t together. Everything will make sense later on. For now, i know u are being ignorant and heartless as u are working towards what u want. U just brushed off every facts and deny every truths. Its ok. May God bless u, always.
I just want you to know that this heart misses u but my mind knows its not right. And thats why i do not spout a single , ‘i miss you’. But only the heart knows what it feels. I do not want to stop u from mending ur life with ur family because u would blame me later on if something doesn’t work out. Although u should be mending the mistakes with me since its over between u and ur ex. But its ok. I give in.
Have a good life. Miss you. Always.