The truth is rarely pure and never simple. I’ve been on both sides. The one giving truth and the one receiving it. I understand. I guess i just wish it was done with grace and sooner. I understand why it wasn’t though. I wish it was all face value from the beginning, that the doubts were communicated.. that I was used as someone to confide in rather than shun. I wish a lot of things, but nothing will change if you do not believe in it to change and i’ve come to terms with that.
You had also said you treated me equally but with the big blow up that one night, you’ve reminded me i’m just a server right now. I said you were damaged, though i don’t believe it at all. I was mimicking past accusations from distant ex’s you’ve had that have said the same things. I wanted to make you feel something, anything. Looking back, I forgot that you absolutely cannot let anyone see you show real emotion and that you do feel it. I was so very frustrated and I hope you understand. I’m so very sorry for that.
You’re a clever girl, one of the smartest people i’ve ever had the chance of knowing but I can’t help but feel as though you’re wasting your emotional intelligence with the walls you’ve built towards the world. This almost untapped side of you, when revealed, is enough to make people fall in love as I did when I had encountered it. Real. Genuine. Unfiltered. I know that it’s not easy to put yourself out there, I struggle with it a lot.. but I believe you’ll feel a lot less of a burden on your shoulders. It was always visible. I can see the conflict, and you can say it isn’t there but I don’t believe that to be true. I hope that you stop running from it and confront it as a real threat to your sanity before it catches up to you.. and that you realize the strength you possess that i’ve always viewed in you to face it.
Though you’re sitting in the next room, while I’m on the couch, I can’t say these words to you. I’m drowning in the memories we’ve shared, and I don’t know what i’m going to do when I have to move out of here. I’m bursting at the seams with all the love I want to give you but will not have the chance to act on again. All the while trying to hold it together because I’m still around you while you want nothing to do with me. I think if I can’t be with you, I don’t want anyone. I’ll just bury myself in hobbies and work now. The life I once knew is over and I don’t think I could be anymore heartbroken. I’ve become mute around you, just ignoring your existence so i’m not thrown into anything within your world. I’m trying to cut myself off from you, it’s testing me to the max. I miss you. Though I rarely say it, I love you.. regardless of anything I say or do, I will always love you.